Pregnancy - 5 week update

How far along?  5 weeks 

How big is baby?  I have a couple of apps on my phone - one is suggesting a sesame seed and one is suggesting an apple pip.  Seeing as they're around the same size, you can take your pick!  Personally, I think Pip sounds quite cute as a nickname for this week.

Total weight gain/loss?  56.6kg, another 0.6kg down this week.  Really hope this doesn't keep up.

Waist?  I haven't measured it this week but my weight hasn't changed and my clothes feel the same so I'm guessing nothing.

Stretchmarks?  Not for a long time yet I hope!

Maternity clothes?  Not for a while yet.

Sleep?  Between being excited, being nervous and just generally not being able to stop thinking, I've had very little sleep this week.  At least it's preparing me for the inevitable!

Best moment this week?  Telling my mum!

Movement?  Nothing yet, way too early.

Food cravings?  Nothing so far.  I really fancied apple juice for a few days, but now I've bought some I've not actually opened it.

Food aversions?  Nothing.

Gender?   No idea and I don't think we're going to find out... but that could change.

Labour signs?  Definitely not.

Pregnancy symptoms?  My sense of smell is super heightened - it's like a really crappy superpower.  I can't save lives BUT I can tell you what the family 5 doors away is having for dinner.  Other than that, absolutely nothing.  I really want to feel pregnant, even if it's just feeling sick.

Belly button in or out?  In.

What I miss?  Nothing much this week, I'm going to a strongman gym with my friends on Saturday and it'll be annoying not being able to lift heavy.  However, the gym have just adopted a husky puppy so I'm sure I can keep myself entertained!

What I am looking forward to?  I have a 3 day weekend coming up and then start my new (old) job on Monday... I have a post half written explaining this so all will become clear soon.

Upcoming appointments/scans?  Early scan on 14th March... only 13 days to go!

Weekly wisdom?  Exercise kills fatigue.  I really didn't feel like exercising at the beginning of this week because I was so tired from lack of sleep.  I've done a couple of home workouts and been swimming and I feel SO much better, despite still not getting much sleep.

Milestones?  Telling my mum - turns out, she's incredibly excited!

Bump picture:

Needless to say - there's not been any change in my bump (or lack of) yet!

Reading List!

I absolutely LOVE reading.  Needless to say, pregnancy is the perfect time to get some reading in.  I am desperately trying to make it to my scan without worrying and I know it's early, so I shouldn't be getting too excited, but I've bought a couple of little treats! I like to have as much information as possible about everything so I've got a list of pregnancy books, that I want to read in the next 8 months, as long as my arm.

I've spent hours browsing on Amazon and I've settled for 2 for now, one for me and one for ALS (although his looks much more humourous so I intend to read that too)!  

I found this book on the Kindle and it actually had a free sample to give me an idea of what was in store.  I definitely wanted to read more so it was my first purchase!  You can find it here.

This one had brilliant reviews and I've seen it recommended on various blogs and websites, hopefully it's as good as I'm expecting.  This is another one from Amazon.

I will be posting reviews of both books once I've read them and hopefully ALS will actually read the Survival Guide so I can get his opinion, as a father-to-be.

What books did you enjoy during pregnancy?  Did you read pregnancy books or fiction?  Was there anything else you enjoyed doing to pass the time?

Grandparents & Great-Grandparents to be!

Yesterday, we went and told my mum, grandparents and ALS' grandparents our news.  We were initially going to wait until after our scan at 7 weeks, but I already felt bad that I'd not involved my mum in the IVF process and not even told her what was happening.  That being said, I was absolutely petrified to tell her as she often says "Don't get any ideas" when I tell her someone's pregnant and I also didn't want her to be upset about the fact that she'd not been involved so far.

Fortunately, she was incredibly supportive.  She knew about the IVF process but didn't know that we had already started so she was quite shocked.  However, she said she'd had suspicions because last time we discussed the process I seemed to know WAY too much detail!  She's over the moon and completely understood my decision to not tell her about the IVF due to her health (she has suffered with anxiety and depression for a long time and recently has started having stress-induced migraines).  She admitted that she'd have worried a lot about it and that this was probably for the best.  She has, however, informed me that from hereon in she will be here night and day, for anything I need.  My grandparents were also pretty pleased and my grandad (to ALS' relief) took it all very well - I think he especially liked the part where he found out that it was IVF so he can keep his image of his sweet, innocent grandaughter.  My grandma actually asked for my permission to start knitting bits for the baby (after we've had a scan and confirmation that everything is okay - always practical).

We followed this up with a trip to ALS' grandparents (accompanied by his dad, stepmother and brother) to tell them.  His grandad was so overwhelmed he actually cried - which was a beautiful moment.  They're both very excited.  They all celebrated with a glass of wine (except for the proud parents as I'm pregnant and ALS was driving) but everyone else enjoyed it!

It's starting to sink in now... a little bit.  There's still a long way to go before I actually accept what's happening and it starts to feel real.

Good news!

Sorry it has taken me so long to post this but it's been a very hectic 24 hours!

After my beta yesterday, ALS rang for the results at around 1:30pm.  I didn't get to finish work until 3pm so the poor guy had to wait again to break the news.  When he picked me up, I got in the car and this was waiting on the seat for me:

I didn't realise at first that the number on the balloon was actually my beta HCG level - it's so high!  Some people are already speculating that it's twins.  Mostly I'm just speculating that it will lead to horrendous morning sickness - which I will, quite honestly, welcome.  I intend to treasure every pregnancy symptom, good and bad!

Needless to say, when I got home I had to pee on a stick - just to see those double lines.  It was a naff, cheap test that we were given from the hospital but it still had the desired effect:

For anyone who is going through IVF at the moment, here are the symptoms I had whilst on the 2 week wait:

• Very mild cramping.
• Tiredness - a lot more than normal, bordering on exhaustion.
• Nausea.
• Sciatica - I have had problems with sciatica all year but it's been well under control recently, until the last few days.

As you well know, these symptoms could all be caused by the progesterone (aside from the sciatica, which always flares up when I stop my intense exercise regime).  They could also be signs of my period showing up.  However, this time, they turned out to actually be signs of pregnancy!

Since the positive beta, I've felt pretty much nothing to be honest.  I am exactly 4 weeks and 1 day today, with a due date of 1st November.  I have a scan on 14th March to check everything is okay and, all being well, I will then graduate from the fertility clinic to normal obstetric care at my local hospital.  

Aside from being ecstatic, I'm VERY nervous right now.  This is the best feeling in the world and I desperately do not want it to go away.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!  For those on the journey, I wish you all the luck and baby dust in the world - although my journey is far from over, I do appreciate that it has, so far, been a LOT shorter than most and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Please note, that this blog was never intended to be an infertility blog (as you know, that's not our reason for doing IVF) and was always intended to the whole journey to a family; conception, pregnancy and beyond.

When it's sunk in a little bit I will post about the rest of our evening, telling our nearest and dearest and how we're feeling...

Peace out!

8dp5dt

I realised recently that I didn't post at all during the 2 week wait last time - probably because I was quietly optimistic and wasn't agonising over it like I am now!

Beta day tomorrow, it's going to be a long day waiting for the results. As last time, ALS will call for my results around 2pm and let me know when I get home from work at 4pm. Unfortunately, he has to go to work at 5pm so I'll be left to deal alone - on the bright side, if it's negative, I will head to work with him to use the gym, swimming pool and jacuzzi then come home and have a hot bath followed by a cocktail. I already feel good knowing I have a plan in place for bad news.

In terms of symptoms, I'm either pregnant or I'm getting ill. I keep feeling nauseous, my sciatica is back with a vengeance and I'm absolutely exhausted.

The nausea is probably the progesterone. The sciatica is probably the lack of exercise. The exhaustion is probably from how mentally draining this is and also a lack of exercise.

Trying to stay positive whilst preparing myself for the worst. Wish me luck!

1dp5dt!

I'm currently lay with my legs propped up and a pillow under my bum waiting for my progesterone pessary to be absorbed.  What better time to write a blog post?

As you know, yesterday was our second transfer.  We headed down to London at 9am and made it to Guy's at around 11:30.  The transfer wasn't booked until 12:10 so we settled down in the waiting room and I dove into my book (I only started reading it yesterday on the train, but I'm hooked).  I was just putting the book down, at the end of a chapter, when the doctor called us through - pretty much on time!  I was a bit dubious as it was the same doctor doing the procedure as last time.  Whilst she was nice, she didn't explain anything to me and it felt very impersonal.

We put on our (very attractive) gowns and hairnets and sat down with the embryologist.  She explained that our second embryo had thawed nicely and was showing signs of re-expanding, which leaves us with one in the freezer for future use.  With that, we signed the consent forms and I assumed the position.

The sonographer squirted the jelly onto my stomach (it was cold this time, which confused me a little) and got in position.  I'd made sure to get my bladder extra full, as I was told it was only half full last time.  She said it was perfect but her pressing on it caused me a lot of pain, added to when the doctor inserted the speculum.  The whole procedure was a lot more uncomfortable, even painful, than last time but it was over quite quickly and my fears about the impersonal doctor were allayed.  She took the time to show me what she was doing on the screen and explained what I could see.  I guess she was just having a bad day last time - they were running on time, instead of an hour late, yesterday which probably helped.

10 minutes later we were on our way back to the train station, grabbed a quick McDonald's and headed home.  I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's certainly hard.  My colleagues have completely wrapped me in cotton wool all day at work - it's nice but I'm already bored.  I used last night to do a load of meal prep and housework so tonight I'm having a rest.

I'll keep you updated if anything happens but I'm guessing the next point of interest will be my beta on 22nd!

FET #2

FET #2 is a go tomorrow!

When I went for my scan (after 2 weeks of oestrogen) my lining was thick enough first time - last time I had to wait a few more days.  I'm putting this down to a full glass of pomegranate juice every day since I started the oestrogen.

Mr T chased up my smear results early last week and, fortunately, everything is fine in that respect so there's nothing stopping us now.

We have the trains booked to get to London and we've taken some pointers from last time:

1.  We've spent a little bit more money so we can travel at peak times, which will enable us to not have to walk around London killing hours until the train.  We walked about 8 miles after transfer last time which probably didn't help because it put quite a bit of stress on my body and my joints hurt a lot the day afterwards.

2.  I have a really good support network set up at work so I will be avoiding lifting files around as much as possible.  Last time, although a few people knew, I tried to carry on as normal.  Whilst this might not have had any effect, it's worth trying to be a little bit more careful.

3.  I will be having the whole 2 week wait (9 days in our case) away from the gym.  I'll be doing a lot of walking and gentle stretching but nothing that gets my heart rate up too much and nothing involving heavy lifting.  Once I am pregnant, I WILL be getting back to exercise though!  I've joined a new gym with a pool recently so I've been doing a lot of swimming.

4.  I got quite excited last time and ALS accidentally named the embryo, which he said goodnight to every night.  When it didn't work, I was crushed.  I know it will hurt regardless but I don't want to get my hopes up too much.  I'm running on a principle of "Hope for the best, but expect the worst" and trying to be realistic.

Hopefully, these few small changes might have a bit of an impact on my chances of success!

In other news, I found out this morning that one of my close friends is pregnant.  I'm not saddened by this at all, she's been trying for a while for her second child and was trying for well over 2 years for her first so she's more than deserving of a baby.  I'll be an honorary aunty to her new baby, just like I am to her daughter already and I'm over the moon for her and her husband.

Weirdly, it works out that she'll be 2 weeks ahead of me if this transfer works.  When my sister-in-law found out she was pregnant, it was the day of our first transfer and she's 2 weeks ahead of when I would have been due with that one.  Let's hope that this isn't a sign of failure this time.

All being well tomorrow, Beta day will be 22nd Feb - watch this space!

FET Attempt 2!

Yesterday, we had our appointment with the nurse to review our first FET and get started on the meds for FET number 2.  Fortunately, I was at exactly the right point in my pack of birth control pills to start the injections last night - if our appointment had been 2 days later I would have most likely had to wait another 4 weeks.

By the end of the last cycle, I was doing pretty much all of my own injections.  ALS did them in the beginning but as I got more confident I found it easier to just get on with it and do it myself.  I did the injection at half 8 last night without even thinking about it - I think he was a little offended that I didn't ask for his help, bless him!

We are looking to transfer around the 15th Feb (if the cycle takes exactly as long as last time) but it could be as early as 9th Feb or a little later if my lining is slow.  I'll be getting on to the pomegranate juice as soon as I start the oestrogen this time in the hope that my lining is ready at the first look, rather than the second.  As before, I'm taking my folic acid and Vitamin D.  The medication protocol itself has not been changed from the last cycle, as there didn't appear to be anything wrong.  I guess we were just unlucky - there's always a chance it won't work but here's hoping that this cycle is the one!

SEVEN!

I've just discovered that Blogger has an app so now I can blog on the go (or, in tonight's case, whilst tucked up in bed). Hopefully this will lead to more frequent, less random posts!

Anyway, on to the main event. My endometrial lining. This morning I had another scan and we've finally reached 7mm!

After the scan we were sent on our way and told that Guy's would get in touch with us this afternoon to arrange and date, most likely Monday. So that ruled out Monday. When I was waiting for my date for egg collection I was told Guy's would want me on the Thursday and, if not, then definitely on the Friday. Actually egg collection was the following Monday! At least this time I knew not to get too excited.

The phone call finally came just before I left work and we are officially booked in for embryo transfer on Tuesday 6th December. It's so weird to think that in just over a fortnight this part of our journey will be over, one way or another. I started the stimulation meds on 19th August so this cycle will be just short of 4 months when I find out if the transfer has stuck (15th December). 4 months of waiting: waiting for my follicles to grow, waiting for egg collection, waiting to see how many embryos made it to biopsy, waiting for the PGD results, waiting for a follow up in Sheffield, waiting for my period, waiting to start FET meds, waiting for my lining to thicken, waiting for transfer and finally, that unenviable 2 week wait. Fortunately, in our case, as we are implanting a day 5 blastocyst it is only a 9 day wait but I imagine it will still feel like a lifetime.

I'm already getting impatient and there's still a week before we even get to transfer.  I'm going to try and have an early night - between getting a little "us time" in last night and the early start to Sheffield this morning I only had about 5 hours sleep, nowhere near enough for my EDS to be happy.

Sweet dreams!

Daylight Savings Time!

I know I've already posted today but this is an important one so I'm going to go ahead and post it anyway.

As any of you doing IVF injections will know, you're meant to do them at the same time every day but you do have about an hour window either side.  I try and stick to the exact same time and it's very rare that I don't manage it but it is handy to have that flexibility if you get stuck in traffic or something.

On Sunday morning whilst we were all sleeping (well, actually at 2 am we had friends round still for our Halloween party but never mind) the clocks went back an hour.  Suddenly mid-afternoon it hit me that if I wanted to keep my injections 24 hours apart I was going to have to do it at 7:30pm instead of 8:30pm.

I mentioned this on the group I'm part of on Facebook and a few people said it didn't matter because you get that hour window, which makes sense.  However, that takes away your hour window.  If you continue doing them at the same time, without adjusting for daylight savings, and then go an hour out for whatever reason, you're actually 2 hours out.

I've made mine 15 minutes later every day since Sunday to get them back to 8:30pm but it's something I'm glad I thought about.  It would definitely suck if they were morning injections so I'm glad I'm not on those ones at the moment!

Just a little food for thought :)

PMT

I've always suffered a little with PMT about a week before my period.  My mum would always joke that she could set her calendar by me because 7 days before my period, like clockwork, I'd get snappy and cranky.  I apologised for being cranky, we laughed and repeated it again 4 weeks later.  I've been on the same pills since I was about 13 (for heavy, painful, irregular periods) and they've kept the worst of my problems at bay aside from this minor PMT.

However, over the last year or so my PMT has been out of control.  I've had depression pretty badly in the past (to the point where I lost interest in everything, shut out my friends and family, didn't want to leave the house etc.) and my current PMT is just that.  Obviously I'm fortunate in the fact that it only lasts a few days so by the time I'm starting to get really low it miraculously goes away but it still really sucks at the time.  I can only assume that this is down to my hormones being really messed up from having been on and off my pills this year for fertility tests and then for the IVF, which is hormonal mayhem in itself!

Anyone have any tips for dealing with this?  I usually just go for comfort food, lots of cuddles with the cats, trying to keep my misery away from ALS as much as possible (he really doesn't deserve my self pitying) and distraction but any suggestions would be much appreciated!


QUICK UPDATE:
On the IVF front we have an appointment with our nurse to set things up for the FET on 20th October so I'll provide an update after that!

Zzzzzz.

All I want to do at the moment is sleep and eat.  I nearly fell asleep on my way home from work earlier, which wouldn't be so bad except I was walking.  I also walked headfirst into a tree branch.  I came home from work last Friday and went straight to bed, thinking I was getting sick but it's Tuesday now and nothing has materialised.  Hopefully my body is fighting off some bug that hasn't shown any symptoms and it'll go away before they have chance to show up!

I was trying to think of an interesting blog topic - I had a title in my head last night but I can't for the life of me remember what it was.  Apparently my brain is functioning about as slowly as my body right now.

Ah well, better luck next time!

Outsider...

Everyone I've come across in IVF forums and groups has been incredibly supportive to me and I will be eternally grateful to this.  This post is not meant in any way to detract from that, it's just something I've been thinking about.

I've not really fit in anywhere on my journey and it's been very hard to get the information I've been looking for about other people's experiences.  I'm not able to conceive naturally because of my husband's genetics nor am I infertile.  I feel somewhat of a fraud asking for help and advice on fertility forums because my fertility itself is fine.  I'm going through IVF but for a very different reason to many women and I've never had the opportunity to try to conceive naturally (nor have I therefore experienced what most women going through IVF have suffered through to get to this stage).  Because I don't have fertility issues my treatment has been quite different to those going through IVF after failed conception attempts, recurrent miscarriages and all manner of horrible, traumatic events.

My quest for people who can relate to my specific journey (and I theirs) led to me stumbling across a group on Facebook for women and couples going through IVF with PGD.  Whilst PGD isn't completely specific to Huntington's disease or our situation and whilst it can apply to women who have had unexplained recurrent loss or difficulty conceiving, I have found a few people in my exact situation who I can relate to.

Of those who are testing (both fully and non-disclosure) for HD, almost all of the women I have spoken to have become pregnant following their first transfer.  This has given me an amazing sense of hope - you hear so many IVF horror stories of women never actually having children, but realistically in my case that's unlikely as my fertility tests are all normal.  However, I'm not sure how much I'm appreciating the sense of hope because I've been trying not to get my hopes up too much until we have a definitive pregnancy.

All I seem to have learned from this process is that I don't know what I want (in terms of support, being hopeful, being realistic), my hormones are completely all over the place and I'm definitely not alone in these feelings.  All in all I feel like I'm handling the situation better than I expected and definitely better than ALS expected (he of little faith).  We are now 9 days post biopsy and I've not lost my mind yet - fingers crossed we hear something soon!

Conflict Resolution

As an NHS staff member I have to do a min-course every year on "Conflict Resolution".  It's ultimately boring, uninformative and really just common sense but it's compulsory.  However, lately I feel like people could do with it.

Over the past few weeks I have found myself surrounded by conflict; an ongoing feud between 2 friends who can no longer stand to be in the same room as each other, politics causing difficulty in our powerlifting federation, our neighbours yelling very loudly at each other (or someone they appeared to know - it was dark, I couldn't tell) outside their house and work colleagues who have ended up with our offices all being moved around because they physically can't work together in a civil manner.  This is not an extensive list and I could go on, but I'm sure you get the gist.

In each situation I have kept my involvement to a little as physically possible because, quite frankly, I don't need that kind of drama and negativity in my life.  I have quietly accepted the office changes, shut my window to block out the neighbours, ignored the bitchiness in our sporting circle and comforted my friends when they were upset whilst trying to remain detached from the situation etc.

 Admittedly I did have an argument with an acquaintance who runs in the same circle as myself and ALS the other day.  He didn't think before he spoke and I called him up on it a little too harshly.  The difference is, within 10 minutes I had apologised, as had he, because we both realised it was an unnecessary argument and we could both be a bit more sensitive in the future.  In the above situations, I have no control over the situation as I'm not directly involved yet it still affects me and I find myself getting stressed and wound up about the way people are handling things.  I'm not saying I'm perfect and I'm sure there are times when other people would like to remind me of what I'm about to say.

Maybe it's because the summer is over and we're heading into rubbish weather and far less hours of daylight - something that often makes people feel low.  Maybe it's because people have personal things going on that is causing them to have a shorter fuse than normal.  Maybe it's because the economy isn't great and people are having to tighten their purse-strings and miss out on the little luxuries that make them happy.

It could be any number of reasons but I really don't seem to be able to escape conflict lately and I don't know why.  Maybe I've always been around this much conflict but suddenly, having gained a whole new perspective of what's important on my journey to conceive, I don't feel like people are really remembering what matters.  I know that sounds horribly pretentious but the fact is most of the conflicts above could have been resolved or even avoided if people had dealt with situations a little more sensitively and if others hadn't taken things so much to heart.

If you're in a situation where you have a different opinion to someone, feel strongly about something or have been upset by something someone has done and need to let them know, remember "Conflict Resolution" (and avoidance) goes a long way.

- Think about what you're saying, and its implications, before you say it.
- Consider how the other person involved might be feeling. Think how you would react if you were in their situation.
- Try not to take things too personally.  If someone doesn't agree with your idea or something you like, it doesn't mean they don't like you and it doesn't automatically make them a horrible person.
- Prepare for the fact that the other person may well have a very good point and you may have to admit you are wrong (which is not easy, but often the key to resolving conflict).
- Decide on a way to get your point across whilst keeping in mind that others may not agree with you.
- Respect other people's opinions but also remember to respect yourself.  If a person is really negatively affecting you, then removing them from your life (in a civil manner) may be the only way forward.
- Remember that the other person could be going through something you aren't aware of and (wrongly) taking it out on you.
- If you really feel someone is being unreasonable and there is no way to resolve the situation then walk away.
- Most importantly don't spend your time bitching to someone else about the person you're arguing with.  Imagine how you'd feel if they were doing the same.  Odds are it will get back to them one day and you'll end up feeling very embarrassed, hurting their feeling and ruining any change of reconciliation.

Obviously the above only goes for minor quarrels and petty arguments - it's not necessarily going to help if your significant other has slept with your sister or something equally dramatic.  I've definitely been guilty of jumping to conclusions, speaking without thinking and bitching about people in the past - none of which I'm proud of.  I feel like I've really "grown up" in the last couple of years and it's been a long time since I really argued with anybody but I'm going to try and employ this in my life as well.  Hopefully if the person on both sides of an argument is thinking about these things, they'll both manage to come to some sort of resolution that aides them and doesn't make everyone else around them uncomfortable.

There's enough war and conflict in the world without us creating more of our own, especially when it involves people we ultimately care a lot about.

Waiting

I've mentioned a few times that patience is incredibly important when going through the PGD process and honestly, I'm pretty surprised how well I'm doing at it.

It's now 4 days since egg collection (3 days since we found out we had 10 fertilised) and tomorrow the biopsies will be done.  We'll then be informed on Sunday how many embryos are suitable for freezing and then it's another 2-3 week wait to find out how many we have to discount due to the genetics.  I've not really been thinking about it at all and I find that odd - I normally dwell on things way too much, worry way too easily and generally stress about everything.  It's odd to have gone from doing everything in my power to create healthy eggs - a good diet, giving up alcohol and caffeine, the daily injections, taking supplements, exercise - to now having absolutely no impact on what happens to them.

I think the reason I'm not being impatient and wishing the days away is because I'm not sure I want the results.  Currently we have 10 embryos which provides us with a really good chance of me becoming pregnant.  Realistically I know that we could easily lose a few that haven't grown enough and half (or more) because they have the chromosome we're trying to avoid.  I'm aware that we could end up with none.

Currently things are looking good, we have hope and I'm coping well.  I can't say that I'm feeling any particular emotion about the process, neither excitement nor concern. I'm almost numb to the whole thing at the moment, happy in my state of limbo where things are positive.

Maybe ALS is rubbing off on me.  He's always very realistic and doesn't tend to think or worry about things that are beyond his control.  He takes everything as it comes and deal with life with very little visible emotion.  I'm normally a very emotional person; if I'm excited or nervous about something I'll talk about it non-stop, if I'm upset I'll comfortably let myself cry until I feel better and if I'm annoyed about something I won't hesitate to rant about it.  This practical, realistic approach to everything is very new to me and very unexpected but I'm rolling with it and hopefully it'll make the whole process at easy to cope with as possible.

"Listen to your body!"

If I had a pound for every time I've been given that piece of advice during this process, I'd be pretty damn rich by now.  However, as frustrating as it can be it really is the best answer.  There's no hard and fast rule for how quickly you will recover, how your body will react to medications or what you should and shouldn't do (other than the obvious; no drinking, smoking etc).

This morning I was feeling pretty exhausted but I dragged myself to work and got on with it.  I'm not going to lie, by the time ALS picked me up from work I was ready to curl up in bed and sleep until morning.  Instead I decided to head to the gym for an upper body session - I'm not ready to try anything that will tax my abdomen/core as I'm still quite tender, but I figured training my chest and arms would be okay.

I was pretty wary but I have to say I feel so much better for it now.  Training tends to give me a mental boost and definitely increases my energy levels - as backwards as it may sound.  A few people have told me to spend a couple more days in bed or resting but I know that the longer I'm inactive, the more tired I get and the harder it will be to get back into it.  This is what it means to listen to your body.  For some people going back to exercise straight away may not work and in other circumstance, it may not have worked for me, but I knew how I felt and I knew that I'd had enough rest and it was time to get back into a routine to get my energy back.

It wasn't a particularly heavy session but I was impressed with how well I managed (without causing any pain in my ovaries/abdomen - I would have stopped immediately if I'd had any problems).  I posted a nice easy 40kg bench press for our gym's current challenge (best total squat, bench and deadlift on a pound for pound basis).  This puts me in the lead for the women as well - not bad considering I've been out of training for 3 weeks and I'm only 2 days post surgery.  I'm really wary of squatting or deadlifting so I'll be leaving that until at least the weekend and definitely won't be putting any sort of heavy weight on.

You are always the best judge of what is "too much".  You know your own body better than anyone else and if you think you're fit enough to get back to regular activities then you're probably right.  Likewise if you're experiencing problems or not recovering as you might expect, don't hesitate to speak to your care provider and do NOT worry that you're complaining or wasting their time just because they said you'd be back to normal by now - that's what they are there for.  Don't be afraid to insist someone check you over if you're concerned!

Listen to your care providers as they know what they're talking about, but remember everyone is different so pay close attention to your own body too and don't ignore your instincts!

A Sensitive Subject!

I've been toying with the idea of this post for a while and thought it might be too much, but it's an important issue with nowhere near enough information out there so I'm going to go ahead and post it anyway.

Generally, when you think of conception you think of sex.  It's the natural way to make babies and whilst it's incredibly intimate anyway, it can be far more intimate when you're trying to create a new life.  For anyone suffering with infertility, it can become more stressful than pleasurable; it's not so intimate when you're trying to time sex around ovulation, use the most "conception friendly" positions and desperately waiting for that positive test.

Due to us having no infertility problems, I never considered how much the IVF would affect our sex life.  Obviously I knew that coming off my pills would mean we had to turn to condoms for contraception, something that we had already experienced whilst having our fertility tests in the first place.  It's a bit more expensive and kind of ruins a moment, but it's a small price to pay to remain intimate.

Unfortunately, what neither of us took into consideration was that IVF is incredibly un-sexy.  Since a few days into the stimulation cycle I've been incredibly bloated, which makes me less than attractive.  By day 7 I noticed when I had my scan that it was quite uncomfortable just getting the ultrasound probe inserted and everything felt incredibly tight down there.  Due to the ovaries expanding with all the follicles everything has been pushed down somewhat (like it would be during a period but to a more significant extent).  Whilst enjoying a nice relaxing bath on day 10 I tried inserting a finger into myself, just to see what was going on down there and just that was very uncomfortable.  I won't even go into the discharge/cervical mucous that's another common side effect.

We've managed to remain intimate with making sure ALS ejaculates regularly to keep the sperm healthy but there's not been anything in the way of orgasms for me.  ALS has been more than happy to try anything for me but I'm nervous of it affecting the quality of the eggs (we never had chance to discuss it with our nurse) and everything is very tender, to the point where wiping after urinating is painful.  As of 3 days before the retrieval his pleasure had to stop as well so that his sperm is at its best quality (and a good volume) ready for the collection.

My thoughts on the matter are a little jumbled at the moment because over the last 2 days I've experienced horrendous fatigue - another side effect, made worse by my EDS - but what I'm trying to say is be prepared.  It's not a time where intimacy is easy, or even possible sometimes, but spend time together doing things you enjoy, make sure there are plenty of cuddles and do what you can to keep your relationship strong.  Communication is key as it's a stressful time for you physically but your husband is going through the emotional side of things just as much as you are - he probably feels guilty that he's can't take more of the physical burden as well.

Just remember, it will all be worth it one day.

Trigger Happy!

It's done!

I'm not going to lie, it was the most stressful few minutes of my life.  Even though we asked the nurse before we left Sheffield on Wednesday and she said it was 0.5ml, naturally we doubted ourselves.  All of the previous injections have been in pre-filled pens (like Gonal F) or you draw it into the syringe yourself but use the full dose (like Cetrotide).  It's been so long since we had the tutorial that I was really nervous about doing it wrong.

Fortunately, ALS kept a level head as always, got 0.5ml in the syringe and injected me as normal.  It must have been a thicker needle as it was really tough to pierce the skin and quite painful - nothing unbearable though.  The other reason for this could be because we had to use the same needle to draw the medicine up as we did to inject it, therefore piercing the rubber on the bottle may have blunted the needle somewhat.

Either way, it's not hugely painful in the grand scheme of things and that is the LAST injection (at least until we start getting ready for transfer).

I've been absolutely drained today so I'm looking forward to an early night and not having to get up at 6am to do the Cetrotide.  Tomorrow will be all about relaxing before heading to London as our train doesn't leave until 8pm!

My next post will be after egg retrieval, probably when we get home on Tuesday.

Wish us luck.

Cetrotide Top Tip!

I've found that my Cetrotide injections are either really painful or I pretty much don't feel them - with no middle ground.  The other day I read something about keeping the bevel of the needle pointing upwards so the sharpest bit goes in first.  We made sure we did that this morning and lo and behold, I didn't even notice it go it!









As you can see from the image above, if you're putting it in with that pointing down it's going to be trying to force the blunter bit through first.

Just thought I'd share that with you in case you're having the same problem - it's always something worth trying.

Other people have mentioned using ice packs to numb the area beforehand but I haven't found this to be necessary so I haven't tried it.  I did forget to take my injection out of the fridge earlier than I needed to do it this morning so I did it cold and again, it didn't add to my pain.  That's not to say that it won't make a difference for others though.

Any tips you'd like to share?  Maybe you've found something that works with certain meds but not others, or something unusual?

Patience and Preparation!

The biggest thing I can tell anyone who is wanting embark on an IVF journey is patience is a virtue.  It can be very frustrating, especially not being able to plan things and not knowing.  Uncertainty is scary.  I'm a reasonably patient person anyway and I'm finding it hard work but I imagine if I weren't, this would be very much unbearable.  I'm somewhat torn at the moment between wanted to stay busy to keep myself distracted and being way too drained from the medications to do anything!  I'm well aware that once I get to the 2 week wait (the 2 weeks between having an embryo transferred and finding out if you're pregnant) it will be the longest 2 weeks ever so practicing distraction techniques and patience now is not a bad idea.

The other important thing, especially if you're wanting PGD IVF for a genetic condition, is to get started early.  From our first appointment with the GP to starting our first IVF cycle was 18 months.  That was with everything going pretty smoothly as well!  I'd read on another blog (www.survivinghuntingtons.blogspot.co.uk) a few years ago that you should get the process in motion before you're ready because if you wait until you're ready to have kids, you're then looking at another couple of years after that before you even have a chance of being pregnant.  She completely hit the nail on the head.  I've always known I wanted children by my mid 20s and we had our first appointment when I was 22.  I'm now 24 so if this cycle works I'll give birth sometime when I'm 25.  If not, I've still got a few years to play with.  If we'd waited until now to see our GP I could have been in my 30s long before I had a child.

With having a child naturally there's always the risk that you may have fertility issues and take a while to get pregnant, but at the same time if you start early you could get caught straight away.  With PGD you know that it will be a long process from the outset.  These are the steps we've been through from the beginning - often with a couple of months in between:

• Appointment with the GP to ask for a referral for PGD IVF.
• Appointment at our local hospital with a Clinical Geneticist to discuss the genetic side of things and our options for IVF.
• Appointment in Sheffield (satellite centre for Guy's Hospital in London) with the Genetics Team to discuss in more detail the process involved from a genetic viewpoint.  We also had bloods done at this stage (myself, ALS and his father) to enable them to create the genetic test for embryo biopsy.
• Appointment with the Fertility Unit in Sheffield to discuss the fertility side of things and arrange preliminary fertility tests.  This also involved an internal scan.
• ALS had to provide a sperm sample and I had to have bloods done on day 2 and 21 of my menstrual cycle.
• Further appointment with Fertility Unit in Sheffield to go through the test results - fortunately everything was OK.
• Multidisciplinary meeting with Genetic Consultant, Fertility Consultant and Fertility Nurse (who was our main point of contact from this point going forwards).
• Appointment with Fertility Nurse to discuss treatment cycle and to be shown how to do the injections ourselves.  We were given the date to stop my pills and to come back to the clinic to start the cycle (19th August).

And that brings us up to date...