I've always suffered a little with PMT about a week before my period. My mum would always joke that she could set her calendar by me because 7 days before my period, like clockwork, I'd get snappy and cranky. I apologised for being cranky, we laughed and repeated it again 4 weeks later. I've been on the same pills since I was about 13 (for heavy, painful, irregular periods) and they've kept the worst of my problems at bay aside from this minor PMT.
However, over the last year or so my PMT has been out of control. I've had depression pretty badly in the past (to the point where I lost interest in everything, shut out my friends and family, didn't want to leave the house etc.) and my current PMT is just that. Obviously I'm fortunate in the fact that it only lasts a few days so by the time I'm starting to get really low it miraculously goes away but it still really sucks at the time. I can only assume that this is down to my hormones being really messed up from having been on and off my pills this year for fertility tests and then for the IVF, which is hormonal mayhem in itself!
Anyone have any tips for dealing with this? I usually just go for comfort food, lots of cuddles with the cats, trying to keep my misery away from ALS as much as possible (he really doesn't deserve my self pitying) and distraction but any suggestions would be much appreciated!
QUICK UPDATE:
On the IVF front we have an appointment with our nurse to set things up for the FET on 20th October so I'll provide an update after that!
Showing posts with label embryos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embryos. Show all posts
Sunday, 2 October 2016
Thursday, 15 September 2016
Lucky lucky lucky!
Let me start by saying that I am fully aware my journey is different to those who suffer with infertility. I am not comparing myself to them because that is a heartache all to itself and I really can't imagine how it feels. I've read countless blogs about couples who are years into trying to conceive, feel like they are getting nowhere and still have no idea whether they will ever become parents. I am really not trying to compare what I'm doing to that. But sometimes, even though I know it could be worse, you still wonder "Why me?".
When you're going through IVF it's easy to feel like you are incredibly unlucky. I often think that ALS and I are unlucky because of the gene he may carry, because this forces us to go through IVF, because it means we can't just have sex and make babies like a "normal" couples. I then compare myself to others, less fortunate and feel guilty. Neither of these are exactly healthy trains of thought but all things considered we are VERY lucky. Sometimes a change of perspective makes all the difference:
Unlucky: We never got to try and have a child naturally. We never had the moment of wondering if we'd just conceived a baby or being intimate in the process.
Lucky: We will never have to wonder if we have fertility problems or if we will be able to conceive naturally. We had to jump straight into the IVF but during the process we got a full fertility workup and we are both very fertile, which is something many couples would love to be able to say.
Unlucky: ALS may carry the gene for Huntington's disease. Not only would this prove fatal for him but he would have a 50% chance of passing that gene onto any child we created.
Lucky: Science has come on so much in the last few years that it is possible for us to ensure (with relative certainty) that our child will not inherit that gene. We can do this without even having to find out if ALS has the gene - therefore keeping us hopeful that he'll never develop symptoms. Sure, having to go through IVF is no walk in the park but it provides opportunities that in the past we would never have had.
Unlucky: Once we do manage to have a child I will not be able to afford to be a stay-at-home mum (which has been my dream since I was a little girl) and I don't know how I will cope mentally with that.
Lucky: I am in a job where my manager and a couple of select co-workers are aware of my situation and what ALS and I are trying to achieve. They have been incredibly supportive and let me work around my appointments with no qualms, despite the fact I'm new to the department and have asked for a lot of lenience in my first few months. Once I do have to work around childcare I really can't see them being anything but supportive.
Unlucky: We have to travel to Sheffield for all of our fertility appointments and to London for any procedures. This is inconvenient and costly.
Lucky: Whilst travel costs are expensive we are incredibly fortunate to live in a country where our fertility treatment (3 cycles or until we have a child - whichever comes first) is NHS funded. I know the costs of doing this privately and quite honestly, if we didn't have the funding for it I would have to very quickly resign myself to being childless.
This last point is the one that I really want to touch on because I'm currently reading a blog (www.the2weekwait.blogspot.co.uk) by a lovely lady, living in America who had to go through many fertility treatments before she eventually became a mother. The financial strain alone is excessive, let alone when you consider that you're already emotionally drained without having to worry about money too. She is sadly not an exception, more of a depressing reality. I genuinely cannot express how grateful I am to have been born into a country where I have the opportunity to have PGD IVF and I don't have to pay for it for the time being.
It's not easy but there's usually a way to put a positive spin on things and even during my short journey so far I feel like I have grown as a person and seem to be doing a far better job of keeping my chin up, not worrying too much and taking each days it comes!
When you're going through IVF it's easy to feel like you are incredibly unlucky. I often think that ALS and I are unlucky because of the gene he may carry, because this forces us to go through IVF, because it means we can't just have sex and make babies like a "normal" couples. I then compare myself to others, less fortunate and feel guilty. Neither of these are exactly healthy trains of thought but all things considered we are VERY lucky. Sometimes a change of perspective makes all the difference:
Unlucky: We never got to try and have a child naturally. We never had the moment of wondering if we'd just conceived a baby or being intimate in the process.
Lucky: We will never have to wonder if we have fertility problems or if we will be able to conceive naturally. We had to jump straight into the IVF but during the process we got a full fertility workup and we are both very fertile, which is something many couples would love to be able to say.
Unlucky: ALS may carry the gene for Huntington's disease. Not only would this prove fatal for him but he would have a 50% chance of passing that gene onto any child we created.
Lucky: Science has come on so much in the last few years that it is possible for us to ensure (with relative certainty) that our child will not inherit that gene. We can do this without even having to find out if ALS has the gene - therefore keeping us hopeful that he'll never develop symptoms. Sure, having to go through IVF is no walk in the park but it provides opportunities that in the past we would never have had.
Unlucky: Once we do manage to have a child I will not be able to afford to be a stay-at-home mum (which has been my dream since I was a little girl) and I don't know how I will cope mentally with that.
Lucky: I am in a job where my manager and a couple of select co-workers are aware of my situation and what ALS and I are trying to achieve. They have been incredibly supportive and let me work around my appointments with no qualms, despite the fact I'm new to the department and have asked for a lot of lenience in my first few months. Once I do have to work around childcare I really can't see them being anything but supportive.
Unlucky: We have to travel to Sheffield for all of our fertility appointments and to London for any procedures. This is inconvenient and costly.
Lucky: Whilst travel costs are expensive we are incredibly fortunate to live in a country where our fertility treatment (3 cycles or until we have a child - whichever comes first) is NHS funded. I know the costs of doing this privately and quite honestly, if we didn't have the funding for it I would have to very quickly resign myself to being childless.
This last point is the one that I really want to touch on because I'm currently reading a blog (www.the2weekwait.blogspot.co.uk) by a lovely lady, living in America who had to go through many fertility treatments before she eventually became a mother. The financial strain alone is excessive, let alone when you consider that you're already emotionally drained without having to worry about money too. She is sadly not an exception, more of a depressing reality. I genuinely cannot express how grateful I am to have been born into a country where I have the opportunity to have PGD IVF and I don't have to pay for it for the time being.
It's not easy but there's usually a way to put a positive spin on things and even during my short journey so far I feel like I have grown as a person and seem to be doing a far better job of keeping my chin up, not worrying too much and taking each days it comes!
Wednesday, 14 September 2016
Support Network.
The one thing that has absolutely amazed me about the IVF process is the incredible support network of women, at various parts of their journey, that fills the internet. I first heard about PGD by reading an incredible blog called A Survivor's Guide to Huntington's Disease, for which I can't explain how grateful I am. Without this blog I would have no idea about the process involved but more importantly I probably wouldn't even know it was an option. I would never have known to get started early because it would be nearly 2 years before we actually got the treatment phase. This blog is just one of many that I've read regarding IVF and the journeys of couples becoming families and they have all been invaluable.
When I had questions about the process, what to expect, if my side effects were normal or how to get the injections just right I googled it and I came across forum after forum full of women sharing their stories, tips and support with others.
In the last few days I have joined a group on Facebook and already spoken to many amazing women. It's a place where they can share their journey (whatever stage they may be at), get support and advice, provide support and share their experiences with others, look for a friendly chat when they've had a loss or negative test and equally share their positive tests, when they finally get what they've been waiting for. Everyone is very mindful of one another and is aware that just because they had good news today, it doesn't mean someone else didn't have bad news. Posts are all dealt with sensitively and I have seen nothing but inspirational women.
Most people going through IVF may not know anyone who has already been there or is currently doing the same so having people to talk to who know, to some extent, what you're going through is a brilliant feeling.
The thing that amazes me about all of these social media outlets is that there is nothing but support. Most forums or Facebook groups you visit, about any topic, have major arguments going off everywhere. People don't agree with other people's opinions and they just open their mouths before they've thought about what they're saying. In the IVF community there is none of that. You celebrate and commiserate for each other and there's no time for putting other people down or having petty arguments. Everyone understands so there is no judgment. Nobody makes insensitive comments because they know what you're going through - even if their story is completely different.
It really makes me want to celebrate being a woman and whist I'm sure we'd all rather be able to conceive naturally, I'm so proud to be part of such a community and these women have become an important part of my life.
When I had questions about the process, what to expect, if my side effects were normal or how to get the injections just right I googled it and I came across forum after forum full of women sharing their stories, tips and support with others.
In the last few days I have joined a group on Facebook and already spoken to many amazing women. It's a place where they can share their journey (whatever stage they may be at), get support and advice, provide support and share their experiences with others, look for a friendly chat when they've had a loss or negative test and equally share their positive tests, when they finally get what they've been waiting for. Everyone is very mindful of one another and is aware that just because they had good news today, it doesn't mean someone else didn't have bad news. Posts are all dealt with sensitively and I have seen nothing but inspirational women.
Most people going through IVF may not know anyone who has already been there or is currently doing the same so having people to talk to who know, to some extent, what you're going through is a brilliant feeling.
The thing that amazes me about all of these social media outlets is that there is nothing but support. Most forums or Facebook groups you visit, about any topic, have major arguments going off everywhere. People don't agree with other people's opinions and they just open their mouths before they've thought about what they're saying. In the IVF community there is none of that. You celebrate and commiserate for each other and there's no time for putting other people down or having petty arguments. Everyone understands so there is no judgment. Nobody makes insensitive comments because they know what you're going through - even if their story is completely different.
It really makes me want to celebrate being a woman and whist I'm sure we'd all rather be able to conceive naturally, I'm so proud to be part of such a community and these women have become an important part of my life.
Monday, 12 September 2016
Five little embryos!
The phone call I was waiting for came at around 11:30 this morning. None of the remaining 5 embryos were suitable for biopsy and freezing, so we're left with the 5 that we had yesterday. Dropping by half at this stage was pretty devastating but the clinic are very optimistic and keep telling me that it is a very good number so I'm trying to stay positive. At least we know those 5 are good for transfer so any we lose after this (when we get the genetic results) is our own choice to protect our future children.
There's nothing really happening now until we have the biopsy results in 2-3 weeks so I'm going to try and put it to the back of my mind and worry as little as possible. This therefore means that my blog will have slightly different feel for a couple of weeks. I'll be delving more into non-IVF matters (such as giving a bit more information about my condition) and generally posting a bit more about myself as a person rather than just an IVF patient. I'm going to try and cover various topics (IVF support networks, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and its many presentations, working with a "disability" etc.) and actually provide an insight into things rather than just a daily update on how my life is going.
For tonight, however, I'm going to be a little bit naughty and tuck into some Ben & Jerry's ice cream whilst I watch House!
There's nothing really happening now until we have the biopsy results in 2-3 weeks so I'm going to try and put it to the back of my mind and worry as little as possible. This therefore means that my blog will have slightly different feel for a couple of weeks. I'll be delving more into non-IVF matters (such as giving a bit more information about my condition) and generally posting a bit more about myself as a person rather than just an IVF patient. I'm going to try and cover various topics (IVF support networks, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and its many presentations, working with a "disability" etc.) and actually provide an insight into things rather than just a daily update on how my life is going.
For tonight, however, I'm going to be a little bit naughty and tuck into some Ben & Jerry's ice cream whilst I watch House!
Sunday, 11 September 2016
Biopsies.
Yesterday was biopsy day and this morning we had a phone call from Guy's to let us know how many were suitable for biopsy and freezing. To be honest, I'd forgotten we were even expecting a call. My head has been all over the place lately and I'm really struggling mentally. I've suffered with depression before and I'm feeling very overwhelmed lately. I think it's mostly from the PGD process although I don't feel outwardly worried when I think about it.
The phone call came about 12:30 and the embryologist started by confirming ALS date of birth and then saying he had good news for us. I thought, "Great, we must have about 7 or 8 embryos at least". What followed was not what I would consider GOOD news, nor bad news. We have 5. They said there may be a few more suitable to biopsy tomorrow and they will let us know if there are. As it stands we have 5 frozen blastocysts (embryos grown for a number of days) and we will know the biopsy results in a couple of weeks.
Theoretically we will lose 50% through the genetic test as 50% will have ALS' mum's DNA so that takes us down to 2.5 (as 2.5 isn't a valid amount of embryos and I'm a pessimist we'll round down to 2).
I know I should feel incredibly lucky. We could have had none grow to a suitable size. We could have had none suitable for freezing. We could have had none survive the biopsy. Yet I'm still disappointed. I'm trying to stay hopeful for tomorrow that we may get a couple more.
Once we get to the stage of transferring a frozen embryo I'd really like to have 3 or 4. That gives us the opportunity for it to not work first time, but also to have a sibling. The NHS funding covers 3 cycles but only until you have a healthy child. A further cycle would be approximately £10,000. A further frozen embryo transfer would only be around £1,000. Therefore, in an ideal world we would have some "spare" frozen embryos even after I get pregnant this time. If we have to use the last embryo to get a viable pregnancy I can pretty much guarantee our child will be an only child. If we have 1 or 2 left over at least we can try again - our child could still end up an only child but we'd be able to try.
This whole process is full of so many ifs and buts. It's an absolute minefield and you really can't PLAN your way through it. We probably aren't financially stable enough to have a child right now, but if we don't try now and it doesn't work the first few times we could be another 5 years down the line before I become pregnant. Likewise, it could work first time and I could be pregnant before Christmas. There's just no knowing.
We still haven't decided whether to try for an embryo transfer during my November cycle or whether to leave it until the new year but you'll be the first to know when we decide!
The phone call came about 12:30 and the embryologist started by confirming ALS date of birth and then saying he had good news for us. I thought, "Great, we must have about 7 or 8 embryos at least". What followed was not what I would consider GOOD news, nor bad news. We have 5. They said there may be a few more suitable to biopsy tomorrow and they will let us know if there are. As it stands we have 5 frozen blastocysts (embryos grown for a number of days) and we will know the biopsy results in a couple of weeks.
Theoretically we will lose 50% through the genetic test as 50% will have ALS' mum's DNA so that takes us down to 2.5 (as 2.5 isn't a valid amount of embryos and I'm a pessimist we'll round down to 2).
I know I should feel incredibly lucky. We could have had none grow to a suitable size. We could have had none suitable for freezing. We could have had none survive the biopsy. Yet I'm still disappointed. I'm trying to stay hopeful for tomorrow that we may get a couple more.
Once we get to the stage of transferring a frozen embryo I'd really like to have 3 or 4. That gives us the opportunity for it to not work first time, but also to have a sibling. The NHS funding covers 3 cycles but only until you have a healthy child. A further cycle would be approximately £10,000. A further frozen embryo transfer would only be around £1,000. Therefore, in an ideal world we would have some "spare" frozen embryos even after I get pregnant this time. If we have to use the last embryo to get a viable pregnancy I can pretty much guarantee our child will be an only child. If we have 1 or 2 left over at least we can try again - our child could still end up an only child but we'd be able to try.
This whole process is full of so many ifs and buts. It's an absolute minefield and you really can't PLAN your way through it. We probably aren't financially stable enough to have a child right now, but if we don't try now and it doesn't work the first few times we could be another 5 years down the line before I become pregnant. Likewise, it could work first time and I could be pregnant before Christmas. There's just no knowing.
We still haven't decided whether to try for an embryo transfer during my November cycle or whether to leave it until the new year but you'll be the first to know when we decide!
Friday, 9 September 2016
Waiting
I've mentioned a few times that patience is incredibly important when going through the PGD process and honestly, I'm pretty surprised how well I'm doing at it.
It's now 4 days since egg collection (3 days since we found out we had 10 fertilised) and tomorrow the biopsies will be done. We'll then be informed on Sunday how many embryos are suitable for freezing and then it's another 2-3 week wait to find out how many we have to discount due to the genetics. I've not really been thinking about it at all and I find that odd - I normally dwell on things way too much, worry way too easily and generally stress about everything. It's odd to have gone from doing everything in my power to create healthy eggs - a good diet, giving up alcohol and caffeine, the daily injections, taking supplements, exercise - to now having absolutely no impact on what happens to them.
I think the reason I'm not being impatient and wishing the days away is because I'm not sure I want the results. Currently we have 10 embryos which provides us with a really good chance of me becoming pregnant. Realistically I know that we could easily lose a few that haven't grown enough and half (or more) because they have the chromosome we're trying to avoid. I'm aware that we could end up with none.
Currently things are looking good, we have hope and I'm coping well. I can't say that I'm feeling any particular emotion about the process, neither excitement nor concern. I'm almost numb to the whole thing at the moment, happy in my state of limbo where things are positive.
Maybe ALS is rubbing off on me. He's always very realistic and doesn't tend to think or worry about things that are beyond his control. He takes everything as it comes and deal with life with very little visible emotion. I'm normally a very emotional person; if I'm excited or nervous about something I'll talk about it non-stop, if I'm upset I'll comfortably let myself cry until I feel better and if I'm annoyed about something I won't hesitate to rant about it. This practical, realistic approach to everything is very new to me and very unexpected but I'm rolling with it and hopefully it'll make the whole process at easy to cope with as possible.
It's now 4 days since egg collection (3 days since we found out we had 10 fertilised) and tomorrow the biopsies will be done. We'll then be informed on Sunday how many embryos are suitable for freezing and then it's another 2-3 week wait to find out how many we have to discount due to the genetics. I've not really been thinking about it at all and I find that odd - I normally dwell on things way too much, worry way too easily and generally stress about everything. It's odd to have gone from doing everything in my power to create healthy eggs - a good diet, giving up alcohol and caffeine, the daily injections, taking supplements, exercise - to now having absolutely no impact on what happens to them.
I think the reason I'm not being impatient and wishing the days away is because I'm not sure I want the results. Currently we have 10 embryos which provides us with a really good chance of me becoming pregnant. Realistically I know that we could easily lose a few that haven't grown enough and half (or more) because they have the chromosome we're trying to avoid. I'm aware that we could end up with none.
Currently things are looking good, we have hope and I'm coping well. I can't say that I'm feeling any particular emotion about the process, neither excitement nor concern. I'm almost numb to the whole thing at the moment, happy in my state of limbo where things are positive.
Maybe ALS is rubbing off on me. He's always very realistic and doesn't tend to think or worry about things that are beyond his control. He takes everything as it comes and deal with life with very little visible emotion. I'm normally a very emotional person; if I'm excited or nervous about something I'll talk about it non-stop, if I'm upset I'll comfortably let myself cry until I feel better and if I'm annoyed about something I won't hesitate to rant about it. This practical, realistic approach to everything is very new to me and very unexpected but I'm rolling with it and hopefully it'll make the whole process at easy to cope with as possible.
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