Bittersweet Moments!

It occurred to me the other day that if our first transfer had worked, baby would have been due on 24th August so I would either have a baby now or be 4 days overdue.

Whilst I feel a twinge of sadness for our lost embryo, the pain is a lot easier to deal with knowing that I'm carrying our second embryo and he/she will be here in another couple of months.

I was devastated when they embryo didn't stick but looking back now I can see that the time just wasn't right.  If I'd become pregnant I would have never taken the opportunity to come back to my current job when it arose, which has put me in a far better position mentally to be able to deal with being pregnant and deal with the idea of having to go back to work after my maternity leave.  It may seem inconsequential to some but I know for a fact that my own mental state being so much better will make me a far better mother and you can't put a time limit on that - the extra few months was worth the wait.

On another note, if it had worked first time, by November I'd have a 2 month old and time would be flying by. This way I still have everything to look forward to and all those firsts to experience. I'm also still getting to enjoy my pregnancy. Both of these are big things for me as I'm very aware that I'm currently experiencing pregnancy for the first, but possibly also last, time.  We have one embryo in the freezer which we plan to transfer at a later date but if that doesn't stick, we can't afford to pay for another full cycle so our little Pip may well end up as an only child.  This makes me want to savour the whole experience as much as possible.

I know it's easy for me to say "be positive" and "look on the bright side" when I'm currently pregnant and my failed transfer is behind me and I would probably feel very differently if I'd had further failed transfers and was still waiting for my miracle, but please have faith that it will happen when the timing is right. I didn't see that the timing wasn't quite right when we first had the transfer but now I realise it wouldn't have been as perfect as it is now.

Wishing you all lots of sticky baby dust <3

FET Attempt 2!

Yesterday, we had our appointment with the nurse to review our first FET and get started on the meds for FET number 2.  Fortunately, I was at exactly the right point in my pack of birth control pills to start the injections last night - if our appointment had been 2 days later I would have most likely had to wait another 4 weeks.

By the end of the last cycle, I was doing pretty much all of my own injections.  ALS did them in the beginning but as I got more confident I found it easier to just get on with it and do it myself.  I did the injection at half 8 last night without even thinking about it - I think he was a little offended that I didn't ask for his help, bless him!

We are looking to transfer around the 15th Feb (if the cycle takes exactly as long as last time) but it could be as early as 9th Feb or a little later if my lining is slow.  I'll be getting on to the pomegranate juice as soon as I start the oestrogen this time in the hope that my lining is ready at the first look, rather than the second.  As before, I'm taking my folic acid and Vitamin D.  The medication protocol itself has not been changed from the last cycle, as there didn't appear to be anything wrong.  I guess we were just unlucky - there's always a chance it won't work but here's hoping that this cycle is the one!

Hello AF

Yesterday, AF showed up after my failed transfer. Before I started taking the pill I had horrendously painful periods and I've experienced them on and off this year whilst having fertility tests etc. This period is different, it's way worse. I assumed the artificially thickened lining but either way it isn't fun. I expected heavy bleeding but so far that's not been too bad.

I dragged myself to work this morning but within an hour the cramps had me in agony and every time I moved I felt like I was going to throw up.  I spoke to my team leader who suggested I go home.

When I told one of the girls in the office I was leaving and that I felt horribly sick, she immediately said, "You're not pregnant, are you?".

Well, no. No I'm not. Exactly the opposite in fact. It upset me a little but I honestly felt way too sick to really notice. It sucks that people always jump to that question or ask when you're having kids or any other equally invasive question. I guess it's just another thing I have to get used to unless I want to explain my situation to everyone!

Thanks for playing, better luck next time.

I'm aware that I haven't actually posted about transfer or the two week wait but I've been incredibly busy - I do have a post mostly written and I'll post it later this week but matters have been overtaken.

I had my beta yesterday (100 mile round trip for a blood test) and then headed off to work.  We had to ring at 1:30pm for the results so I asked ALS to ring and let me know when I got home - I'm not mentally prepared to deal with stuff like that at work.  When he picked me up, I got in the car and he was looking quite sheepish, holding a sign that said "Pub?".  I knew exactly what it meant.  I shrugged, I choked back the tears and asked him to take me home.

It sucks.  It really sucks.  At least I have a definitive answer (my HCG level was < 1 so definitely not pregnant) but it wasn't the one I was hoping for.  I cried for a short while but then I picked myself up and headed to the gym.  Honestly, I did feel better for it.  I slept surprisingly well and then coped pretty well at work today,  We had a fuddle with the whole department at lunch today and whilst in the room with a load of people I'd never met, I crumbled.  I excused myself and went for a little cry.  I have no idea why. I can talk to people about it and be fine but I just wasn't ready for a big social group I guess - despite nobody knowing what was going on, aside from 2 of my close colleagues.  I'd guess that it's because I'd been having to keep myself sane for most of the day.  I work in a Maternity & Gynae Department at my local hospital.  This morning I had to deal with some stuff in the Fertility Unit, then I had to go to the Antenatal Clinic (full of pregnant ladies, of course), then I had to sort out the postnatal discharges (most of the notes have lovely pictures of baby scans in them).  It's not the ideal job - I dealt with it well today but it will only get harder with each failed cycle.

I've done a pretty good job of rationalising so far:

1.  I can now have a drink over Christmas.
2.  On days when I'm super tired, I can actually have caffeine.
3.  No more waxy, disgusting pantyliners from the stupid pessaries.
4.  We didn't expect this to work first time anyway.
5.  We deliberately started doing this whilst we're young because we knew it would take a long time.
6.  I don't have to explain to my mum that I'm pregnant (I don't care that I'm 24 years old, I'm still terrified of telling her)!
7.  I can now lift heavy weights at the gym again.
8.  It will happen when it's time.

What I have definitely learnt from this is that I am a LOT stronger than I give myself credit for.  ALS has told me that he's so proud of me and that I'm incredibly strong compared to when we first met each other.  He's definitely helped me to control my emotions and deal with things, rather than just either bottling up or crying at everything.

I'm expecting a few more days of random emotional moments, especially as all the hormones leave my system.  I'm expecting a horrendous period thanks to my extra thickened lining.  Then, I'm expecting life to go on.

We agreed to regroup, enjoy Christmas with our family and friends and then try again in the new year.  We have an appointment with our PGD Coordinator on 6th January to discuss starting a second FET cycle.  I'll probably be quite absent until then, what with all the Christmas festivities and all, but I'll keep you posted when anything IVF-related actually happens.

Also, I WILL get the transfer/2ww post up in the next couple of days!