Thanks for playing, better luck next time.

I'm aware that I haven't actually posted about transfer or the two week wait but I've been incredibly busy - I do have a post mostly written and I'll post it later this week but matters have been overtaken.

I had my beta yesterday (100 mile round trip for a blood test) and then headed off to work.  We had to ring at 1:30pm for the results so I asked ALS to ring and let me know when I got home - I'm not mentally prepared to deal with stuff like that at work.  When he picked me up, I got in the car and he was looking quite sheepish, holding a sign that said "Pub?".  I knew exactly what it meant.  I shrugged, I choked back the tears and asked him to take me home.

It sucks.  It really sucks.  At least I have a definitive answer (my HCG level was < 1 so definitely not pregnant) but it wasn't the one I was hoping for.  I cried for a short while but then I picked myself up and headed to the gym.  Honestly, I did feel better for it.  I slept surprisingly well and then coped pretty well at work today,  We had a fuddle with the whole department at lunch today and whilst in the room with a load of people I'd never met, I crumbled.  I excused myself and went for a little cry.  I have no idea why. I can talk to people about it and be fine but I just wasn't ready for a big social group I guess - despite nobody knowing what was going on, aside from 2 of my close colleagues.  I'd guess that it's because I'd been having to keep myself sane for most of the day.  I work in a Maternity & Gynae Department at my local hospital.  This morning I had to deal with some stuff in the Fertility Unit, then I had to go to the Antenatal Clinic (full of pregnant ladies, of course), then I had to sort out the postnatal discharges (most of the notes have lovely pictures of baby scans in them).  It's not the ideal job - I dealt with it well today but it will only get harder with each failed cycle.

I've done a pretty good job of rationalising so far:

1.  I can now have a drink over Christmas.
2.  On days when I'm super tired, I can actually have caffeine.
3.  No more waxy, disgusting pantyliners from the stupid pessaries.
4.  We didn't expect this to work first time anyway.
5.  We deliberately started doing this whilst we're young because we knew it would take a long time.
6.  I don't have to explain to my mum that I'm pregnant (I don't care that I'm 24 years old, I'm still terrified of telling her)!
7.  I can now lift heavy weights at the gym again.
8.  It will happen when it's time.

What I have definitely learnt from this is that I am a LOT stronger than I give myself credit for.  ALS has told me that he's so proud of me and that I'm incredibly strong compared to when we first met each other.  He's definitely helped me to control my emotions and deal with things, rather than just either bottling up or crying at everything.

I'm expecting a few more days of random emotional moments, especially as all the hormones leave my system.  I'm expecting a horrendous period thanks to my extra thickened lining.  Then, I'm expecting life to go on.

We agreed to regroup, enjoy Christmas with our family and friends and then try again in the new year.  We have an appointment with our PGD Coordinator on 6th January to discuss starting a second FET cycle.  I'll probably be quite absent until then, what with all the Christmas festivities and all, but I'll keep you posted when anything IVF-related actually happens.

Also, I WILL get the transfer/2ww post up in the next couple of days!

En Route!

I'm writing this post on the train to London. Today is the day we transfer one of our 3 unaffected embryos.

I'm experiencing a mixture of feelings at the moment; excitement, nerves, curiosity.  I'm trying hard not to feel any of them.  I don't want to worry about it because stress is bad for conception. I don't want to be excited because then I'll be more upset if it doesn't work.

I'll do a full post about the experience later in the week. Wish us luck!

SEVEN!

I've just discovered that Blogger has an app so now I can blog on the go (or, in tonight's case, whilst tucked up in bed). Hopefully this will lead to more frequent, less random posts!

Anyway, on to the main event. My endometrial lining. This morning I had another scan and we've finally reached 7mm!

After the scan we were sent on our way and told that Guy's would get in touch with us this afternoon to arrange and date, most likely Monday. So that ruled out Monday. When I was waiting for my date for egg collection I was told Guy's would want me on the Thursday and, if not, then definitely on the Friday. Actually egg collection was the following Monday! At least this time I knew not to get too excited.

The phone call finally came just before I left work and we are officially booked in for embryo transfer on Tuesday 6th December. It's so weird to think that in just over a fortnight this part of our journey will be over, one way or another. I started the stimulation meds on 19th August so this cycle will be just short of 4 months when I find out if the transfer has stuck (15th December). 4 months of waiting: waiting for my follicles to grow, waiting for egg collection, waiting to see how many embryos made it to biopsy, waiting for the PGD results, waiting for a follow up in Sheffield, waiting for my period, waiting to start FET meds, waiting for my lining to thicken, waiting for transfer and finally, that unenviable 2 week wait. Fortunately, in our case, as we are implanting a day 5 blastocyst it is only a 9 day wait but I imagine it will still feel like a lifetime.

I'm already getting impatient and there's still a week before we even get to transfer.  I'm going to try and have an early night - between getting a little "us time" in last night and the early start to Sheffield this morning I only had about 5 hours sleep, nowhere near enough for my EDS to be happy.

Sweet dreams!

Almost there...

I've been really bad at keeping this up to date lately thanks to being really busy but I'll get you up to speed.

On Friday I had my second scan to see if my lining was thick enough for transfer.  They wanted around 7mm and unfortunately my lining was only 6mm so I was asked to carry on with the Suprecur injections and oestrogen tablets until Tuesday (tomorrow).  I cleverly made sure that I had enough medication to last that long before I left Sheffield.

However, I did NOT make sure I had enough needles and syringes.  Fortunately, once again, working at a hospital has its perks.  Trying to get needles just before 4pm on a Friday wasn't exactly easy though.  I finally managed to get some from the antenatal clinic but pretty much every man and his dog knows I'm doing IVF now.  I spent a lot of time running around frantically, explaining my situation to anyone I thought might be able to help.

I got my needles but these ones are twice the size (length and thickness) of the ones I've been using so they cause quite a bit more difficulty in inserting them and more bleeding - although they aren't any more painful!

So tomorrow we head back to Sheffield and I find out whether my lining is playing ball - I feel quite bloated and keep having random twinges (as if I was premenstrual) so I guess that's probably a good thing.  I'll try and make sure I post tomorrow and keep you up to date!

Side Effects...

When you're being dosed up with so many medications it can't be hard to work out what's a side effect and what may be a sign of something else.

I've been getting really itchy eyes for the last couple of days and felt really tired.  I just put it down to the medication not agreeing with me.  I'm really sensitive with my eyes anyway - it only takes a bit of dust and they can puff up and itch like mad.  I've also had an upset stomach which I again put down to the combination of medications.

Then on Saturday ALS woke me up looking like something out of a horror movie.  His eyes were all red, swollen and itchy.  Turns out his stomach was also off and he'd been feeling really drained for a few days.

So I guess this is some kind of virus.  Who knows?  I've checked with my nurse in Sheffield and I'm fine to take antihistamines, although I can't have them after embryo transfer.  Hopefully by then whatever it is will have gone away!

I started the oestrogen 4 days ago as well.  I'm very emotional at the moment but that could just be down to being tired from my body trying to fight off whatever is wrong with me.  At the moment it's all just guesswork but I'm doing everything I can to rest up and get my body healthy before transfer - I still have a couple of weeks to go!

Wish me luck :)

Almost halfway!

We had our first appointment today since I started the FET cycle.  I've had 2 weeks of Suprecur and on the scan today my ovaries were nicely suppressed and my endometrial lining was thin.  They gave me the green light to start the next part of the cycle.

For the next 2 weeks I'll be continuing the injections at night but also taking oestrogen tablets - I'm not looking forward to this part as they are designed to be taken 1 a day as HRT and I'm taking 4 a day despite already producing oestrogen myself so I feel like I'm going to be quite overloaded.  I better get myself ready for being overly hormonal and emotional.

Then 2 weeks today it's back for another scan to see if my lining has thickened up as it should.

It's a long trip to Sheffield every time.  It's a 100 mile (2 hour) round trip for what is often only a 10 minute appointment.  Today I merely walked in, had a scan and was out in less than 5 minutes.  But it will all be worth it!

Sometimes you just have to...

There are some things out there that I just know are bad for my EDS and are going to leave me in pain.  Sometimes I make the sensible decision and leave well alone.  Other times, like last night, I decide I don't want to miss out on the fun for once and just go ahead and join in.  EDS + Dodgems = pain!

Cramming myself into a tiny dodgem with my over 100kg powerlifter husband was a bad start.  Then banging into other cars for 5 minutes and being jolted around was worse.  Hell, it was fun.  However, I could not move without wincing this morning.  In hindsight, was it a bad idea?  Probably, but sometimes you just have to.

Unfortunately today stuff needed doing and I'd vowed to get myself into the city centre and get started on the Christmas shopping.  So ALS and I bundled ourselves into the car and did just that.  I stuck it out for a while and did get some bits and bobs but wandering around shopping hurts at the best of time, let alone when I'm already struggling.  I get a lot of pain in my torso when I'm standing/wandering for a while, my knees and hips start to hurt and thanks to the IVF messing with my system I had some pretty intense ovary pain as well.  Oddly enough, I can walk for miles without too much issue but walking slowly and shopping is really painful for some reason.

5 hours later I'm cuddled up on the sofa, in my onesie, hugging a hot water bottle (although I can't fit it on all the parts that hurt at once).  Time to spend the evening chilling and catching up on the TV series we've not had chance to watch.