Oscar's speech is somewhat of a concern to us at the moment, mostly in terms of pronunciation. I'm pretty confident that he doesn't have any issues with language as he understands what we say, he points to thinks and tries to name them and repeats what we say. The words he can say he uses in context and he signs quite proficiently to make his needs known. He has started creating his own signs which, with a lot of pointing and guesswork, we are starting to figure out. I'm not sure where he's getting them from and often can't see the link - for example, he touches his two index fingers together to sign"play dough". Just in the last few days he is starting to really try and repeat words, although none of them sound like what he is trying to say.
I'm going to use this post to detail, for my own benefit, where he is at the moment so that I can see his progress and get things in some sort of order for his 2 year review with the Health Visitor.
WORDS HE CAN SAY WELL:
Mama
Yeah
No
Owl
Papa
Nana (Jenny)
Pepper
WORDS HE CAN PARTLY PRONOUNCE
Ball, book, bin, bird, box, bath, bear, Bing, bounce, bus - he says "ba" for all of these
Banana - "nana"
Shoes - "oo"
Gone - "ga"
He's very recently started saying "mo" for moon and mouse too
WORDS HE STRUGGLES WITH (AND WHAT HE SAYS INSTEAD)
Daddy - "gaggy"
Help, please, van, car - he says "ba" for these too
Bye, done, ta - "ga"
More - "nor"
Lawnmower - "nor-no-ner"
Hedgehog - "ge-goh"
Badger - "ga-ger"
Digger - "giga"
He struggles to make vowel sounds other than "ah", "oo" and "ow". He only has "b", "g", "n" and "m" as consonants but they sometimes get mixed up too - for example, he says "ba" for everything but then says "ga" for bye which should be easy for him.
He makes a lot of animal noises and they mostly sound like what they're meant to although he does say "ba" for "quack" and "mmm" for "moo".
He also says "gmm gmm gmm ba" for Stick Man, gingerbread man, Postman Pat... sometimes with more or less "gmm" noises but always basically with his mouth closed, like he's really having trouble forming the words.
Nobody else understands much of what he says and they don't understand the signs either but he gets by. We don't leave him with anyone except nursery and occasionally Ant's parents (Jenny is quite good at understanding him). He's having a lot of tantrums and that's probably because he's frustrated that he can't say what he wants to and we often don't understand him.
He says "ba" for pretty much everything, usually accompanied by a sign or pointing so we know what he's getting at. Unless he comes on phenomenally in the next six months I'm expecting he'll need some sort of speech therapy. He comes on in fits and starts but his pronunciation doesn't improve - he said virtually nothing by 18 months except "daddy" and "owl", not even "mama", but then he had a spurt of learning lots of words. It slowed down again but he's currently trying to repeat every thing and getting a lot more communicative, however his pronunciation still hasn't improved. I'm determined to advocate for him as I genuinely believe knows the words and is of average, if not above average, intelligence so I don't want to see him struggle and give up.
I'm going to see his Key Worker at nursery about it tomorrow so will be interested to see what she says!
Monday, 12 August 2019
Wednesday, 7 August 2019
21 months
Weight: He was weighed on 30 July and was exactly 11 kg (24 lb 4 oz). His weight was on 25th-50th centile which is the highest it's been for a while! He was 80.8 cm tall (9th centile) and head circumference was 49.5 cm (just under 98th centile) so clearly he's got my height and his daddy's head.
Health: Things have been up and down. We saw the Paediatrician on 30 July and he's not concerned about the chestiness as he thinks it's just secretions and not reflux. Given that, we are weaning off the ranitidine. He's down to just an evening dose at the moment and then once that's weaned we will try him off the Piriton and see how he goes. I'm writing this a bit late (7/8/19) as we've had a busy weekend but I think he might be coming down with something today. He's seemed alright all day but he woke up from his nap with a low-grade fever and it's come and gone all afternoon. This evening he was tired during his stories/snack and didn't even drink his milk, he didn't want a bath and he fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the pillow, even before I'd finished his story, which is unheard of! His temperature was around 38.5 at bedtime but he seemed happy enough so I didn't give him any Calpol, just keeping a close eye on him. We are starting to question whether he may be on the autistic spectrum due to some of his behaviours and the epic tantrums/head banging he's having but I'll do a separate post about that I think as it'll take a while to explain.
Sleep: Bedtime is still pretty smooth (although last night took a long time and I had to pick him up and rock him which he's never liked before). He generally has one bottle in the night, around 3 and then wakes for the day anywhere between 4:30 and 6:30. He has been waking to ask for his bottle around half 12 but if I tell him to lie down while I go get it he's often fallen back asleep by the time I get back and then ends up actually having it around 3 so not too bad. He's randomly started wanting to get up in the night now and it can lead to some serious upset when I don't let him but it's only happened a couple of times so hopefully it's a short-lived thing. He generally naps well and has around 1.5 - 2 hours anywhere between 11 and 2:30. When he's at home it's usually asleep just after 11 but on nursery days he falls asleep en route home at around 12:30. He's also decided his little TY Peter Rabbit toy is now his comforter and he goes everywhere with him, it's very cute.
Development: He's picked up a few fears lately - one of which was the bath, but after a LOT of patience and work on water play we seem to have cracked that one. His speech isn't coming on quite as quickly as we might like but he is trying to say new words, his pronunciation is just not great. He signs really well and can get his wants/needs across. He's starting creating his own signs and we have no idea where they're coming from - we only manage to guess what they are from the context but nobody else will have a clue! He's tryingt o run and is getting better at climbing. He can blow bubbles with a bubble wand and uses a spoon and fork quite well. We are trying to work on counting and colours at the moment - it's hard work due to the lack of speech but I'm still introducing the concept.
Likes/Dislikes: He LOVES diggers at the moment and playing with "big kids", anyone 6 or older generally. He refuses to acknowledge children his own age. His favourite food is cous cous, pretty much the only thing he'll eat these days although we are working on it. He's at his happiest when he's out and about exploring - he'll walk through woods and such for well over an hour just looking around and toddling along. He loves animals although mostly from a distance. He has a bit of a TV obsession which we are working on (he had way too much TV when we were both poorly a few weeks back and it's been hard to wean down) - he loves Bing, Waffle the Wonder Dog and the Julia Donaldson TV adaptations. He still really loves books and loves pointing things out in them as I read - current favourites are Here We Are (with a big page of animals), A Busy Day for Birds and Room on the Broom.
Nursery: He doesn't eat at nursery, except for one random corned beef hash but his behaviour is apparently impeccable. I'm waiting to speak to them about his development/behaviour issues (he bit me the other day) but they're generally happy with his development and just want to work on his speech.
Me: My course is going well and I've passed my third assignment so I'm over halfway there now - I really need to get started on my fourth!
I'm struggling health wise and have been to the GP. She's requested some bloods and I'm going to be referred to the Chronic Fatigue Service as there's no local EDS specialist. I'm having a lot of pain in my hips at night and generally feeling exhausted. My hand therapist gave me a splint for my little finger (which she had to make as my fingers were too small) and I go back on 6 September to discuss it and see what issues I've been having etc. I think I have a condition, linked with EDS, called dysautomnia which explains most of my symptoms. Oddly enough I was fine while pregnant and mostly fine while breastfeeding but I assume my blood pressure is back down to being stupidly low now I'm back to "normal".
Health: Things have been up and down. We saw the Paediatrician on 30 July and he's not concerned about the chestiness as he thinks it's just secretions and not reflux. Given that, we are weaning off the ranitidine. He's down to just an evening dose at the moment and then once that's weaned we will try him off the Piriton and see how he goes. I'm writing this a bit late (7/8/19) as we've had a busy weekend but I think he might be coming down with something today. He's seemed alright all day but he woke up from his nap with a low-grade fever and it's come and gone all afternoon. This evening he was tired during his stories/snack and didn't even drink his milk, he didn't want a bath and he fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the pillow, even before I'd finished his story, which is unheard of! His temperature was around 38.5 at bedtime but he seemed happy enough so I didn't give him any Calpol, just keeping a close eye on him. We are starting to question whether he may be on the autistic spectrum due to some of his behaviours and the epic tantrums/head banging he's having but I'll do a separate post about that I think as it'll take a while to explain.
Sleep: Bedtime is still pretty smooth (although last night took a long time and I had to pick him up and rock him which he's never liked before). He generally has one bottle in the night, around 3 and then wakes for the day anywhere between 4:30 and 6:30. He has been waking to ask for his bottle around half 12 but if I tell him to lie down while I go get it he's often fallen back asleep by the time I get back and then ends up actually having it around 3 so not too bad. He's randomly started wanting to get up in the night now and it can lead to some serious upset when I don't let him but it's only happened a couple of times so hopefully it's a short-lived thing. He generally naps well and has around 1.5 - 2 hours anywhere between 11 and 2:30. When he's at home it's usually asleep just after 11 but on nursery days he falls asleep en route home at around 12:30. He's also decided his little TY Peter Rabbit toy is now his comforter and he goes everywhere with him, it's very cute.
Development: He's picked up a few fears lately - one of which was the bath, but after a LOT of patience and work on water play we seem to have cracked that one. His speech isn't coming on quite as quickly as we might like but he is trying to say new words, his pronunciation is just not great. He signs really well and can get his wants/needs across. He's starting creating his own signs and we have no idea where they're coming from - we only manage to guess what they are from the context but nobody else will have a clue! He's tryingt o run and is getting better at climbing. He can blow bubbles with a bubble wand and uses a spoon and fork quite well. We are trying to work on counting and colours at the moment - it's hard work due to the lack of speech but I'm still introducing the concept.
Likes/Dislikes: He LOVES diggers at the moment and playing with "big kids", anyone 6 or older generally. He refuses to acknowledge children his own age. His favourite food is cous cous, pretty much the only thing he'll eat these days although we are working on it. He's at his happiest when he's out and about exploring - he'll walk through woods and such for well over an hour just looking around and toddling along. He loves animals although mostly from a distance. He has a bit of a TV obsession which we are working on (he had way too much TV when we were both poorly a few weeks back and it's been hard to wean down) - he loves Bing, Waffle the Wonder Dog and the Julia Donaldson TV adaptations. He still really loves books and loves pointing things out in them as I read - current favourites are Here We Are (with a big page of animals), A Busy Day for Birds and Room on the Broom.
Nursery: He doesn't eat at nursery, except for one random corned beef hash but his behaviour is apparently impeccable. I'm waiting to speak to them about his development/behaviour issues (he bit me the other day) but they're generally happy with his development and just want to work on his speech.
Me: My course is going well and I've passed my third assignment so I'm over halfway there now - I really need to get started on my fourth!
I'm struggling health wise and have been to the GP. She's requested some bloods and I'm going to be referred to the Chronic Fatigue Service as there's no local EDS specialist. I'm having a lot of pain in my hips at night and generally feeling exhausted. My hand therapist gave me a splint for my little finger (which she had to make as my fingers were too small) and I go back on 6 September to discuss it and see what issues I've been having etc. I think I have a condition, linked with EDS, called dysautomnia which explains most of my symptoms. Oddly enough I was fine while pregnant and mostly fine while breastfeeding but I assume my blood pressure is back down to being stupidly low now I'm back to "normal".
Thursday, 4 July 2019
Time for another?
Bear with me, this is going to be long.
I always wanted around a 2 year gap between babies but obviously with the need for IVF and wanting to breastfeed that was never going to be reasonably practicable and actually, given how challenging Oscar has been, I'm glad that's turned out to be the case. If we could have tried naturally we might, in a moment of madness, have already ended up conceiving and I don't think that would have worked for any of us. I never wanted a big gap between my children but I'm open to a slightly bigger gap that I was previously. I'd really like them within 4 years though, I think any more just puts them at completely different stages of life all the time and, until adulthood, they might find it hard to be close. Obviously they might not get on regardless of the age gap but I want to give them the best chance possible.
So, our original plan was always to have our baby and then use our frozen embryo to make a roughly 2-3 year gap. I wanted to breastfeed for the first 12 months, wean and get started again when Oscar was around 14-15 months. We figured it would be around a 6 month process, plus 9 months of pregnancy which would lead to a sibling being born when Oscar was 2.5 years old. Obviously this was all very vague but in my head I thought we might transfer again at the back end of 2019 or very early 2020, leading to a sibling before Oscar turned 3. Obviously this all relies on our frozen embryo actually sticking, another reason I want to get started early in case we have to go down other routes.
As it has turned out we have had a few complications:
We found out recently that, instead of around £1000, we are looking at around £2500 (£650 for Sheffield's costs, £1400 for London's costs and £400 for medication) - fortunately we have savings to cover this and we may be able to knock it down as Sheffield and London are only doing certain parts and those costs are for full embryo replacement cycles, but it was a bit of a bummer.
We found out that we couldn't even start the referral process until I had finished breastfeeding and my periods had returned, which meant a slightly longer wait.
Oscar has only just weaned from the breast, just after he turned 19 months.
There's around a 3+ month waiting list just for referral.
I spoke to our IVF Nurse recently who informed me of the process and costs. Basically, we can have the fertility tests and referral on the NHS and then once we see the Consultant to get the process started we pay the fees (in full). So she told me that once I'd stopped breastfeeding and my periods had returned I should go to my GP and ask for the referral. She said they might be kind enough to arrange the blood tests in advance which saves a bit of time as they have to be done throughout the cycle.
Fortunately, my periods returned within 5 days of him weaning so last Wednesday (19 June) I went to see the GP to ask for a referral. I was seen by the GP who is the Senior Partner for the practice. He's an older, slightly eccentric gentleman whom I've never met before and, my goodness, it was not a productive exercise. I expected this to be the simple bit but, as is often the case with IVF, it was not. He basically told me that it was his understanding that, as I have a live child, the NHS won't touch me so all he could do was make a private referral (although I could self-refer anyway if that was the case). He did say that he might be willing to do some very basic blood tests for me if I clarified exactly what they were. I explained that my nurse had told me to ask for the referral and that the blood tests were basic day 2 and day 21 fertility tests. Apparently that wasn't clarification enough so I showed him the email from her explaining the referral process. That STILL wasn't enough so he sent me away to speak to her again and find out exactly what the blood tests were (as a senior GP I figured he'd know, even I knew that it was day 2 LH/FSH and day 21 progesterone, which I said, but I didn't want to miss anything) and send an email to the surgery for his attention so he could provide me with the blood form. He basically said that he wouldn't/couldn't make the referral and that was that.
The following day I emailed our nurse who, as usual, was absolutely fabulous. She assured me that we were eligible for the tests and referral on the NHS, as it is quite common practice for them. She detailed the blood tests that were needed and got back to me within less than 48 hours. She said she was looking forward to seeing us again, offered to help in any way that she could with the GP and provided details of their business unit so he could speak to them if he was unhappy with the process.
So on Monday (24 June) I emailed the GP surgery, for this particular doctor's attention, and asked him to get back to me with regards to the referral and the blood test request form. Needless to say I haven't heard anything yet (26 June). I did have the delight of speaking to him for almost 10 minutes on the phone this morning, regarding Oscar's reflux, where he was JUST as unhelpful but that's a whole other story.
Anyway - this whole thing has left me feeling a little deflated. Since I've stopped breastfeeding Oscar, presumably due to hormones, I am incredibly broody. It doesn't help that one of my best friends is pregnant, although it kind of does help because I can live vicariously through her. She went through 4 years of trying to get pregnant too and has a little IVF baby growing inside her so I'm 100% happy for her and genuinely not jealous. But it doesn't stop me wanting to get things moving. In my head, the timeline from here will be a little like this:
Referral made by end of July.
Appointment for October/November, blood tests done in meantime.
Baseline scan and appointment with Consultant in December/January.
Start treatment February/March.
Transfer April/May.
IF successful, baby due late 2020/early 2021.
By that timeline, we would be looking at around 18 months from now before any baby was born and only actually around 9 months from now for me to be pregnant again which, when I phrase it like that, doesn't sound so bad. I'm not desperate to have another baby right now and we have lots of other stuff going on, but I really would love to be pregnant again sometime soon, certainly before this time next year. I really don't want a Christmas baby which could well be a possibility if my timeline is correct. Potentially, it could all happen quicker and we could be looking at transfer earlier in 2020 (I think this year is definitely off the cards). However, I am also very aware that it could take longer. It could be more of a summer transfer, with any baby due spring 2020.
Also, this is ALL very hypothetical. We could go through this whole process and not end up with a baby, or even a pregnancy. Six months ago I would have told you that I was entirely happy with Oscar and, whilst I would like another one, I wouldn't be devastated if it didn't happen. However, I have settled into motherhood a lot more in the last six months and by the time any potential baby comes Oscar will be much older and, hopefully, much less demanding. He will also be in free nursery hours so any baby can have lots of one-to-one time with me, which Oscar had the benefit of, so I think this is actually reasonably good timing. More importantly, we have become very aware that if we don't have any more children, Oscar may be very isolated. I'm quite isolated, I don't have many friends and I have no siblings. Ant has a brother and two step-brothers - his brother isn't likely to have children any time soon and we don't see his step-brothers regularly, although one of them does have a little boy only 4 months older than Oscar. We will have our friend's baby for Oscar to grow up with and hopefully he'll be better at making friends at school that we were, but it would still be nice for him to have someone else, someone who is always there.
The above point is especially important as the chance of him having high-functioning autism is quite high. I am currently on a (very long, 15 months to be exact) waiting list to be assessed for autism having scored 40/50 on their preliminary test, with a score of 26+ making you eligible for assessment. Ant has also done the same assessment and scored 40, although in different areas, and will be applying to the waiting list soon too. Given that there's a high chance of us both being autistic, poor Oscar doesn't really stand much chance. He's certainly not going to be severely autistic, unless something changes drastically, but it would be no surprise to us if he struggles to make friends.
I wasn't going to write about this for a while yet. I often don't have time to sit and write blog posts or to even gather my thoughts so, as much as I felt I ought to document it, I was going to at least wait until we had a referral in place. However, I found out earlier that my ex-boyfriend and his wife are expecting their second child. They have a son who is about a month younger than Oscar and it just really, really hurt. Partly because I'm a little bitter at his happiness knowing full well he treats her just as badly as he treated me but mostly because they, and most people, don't have to worry about this stuff. They just decided "let's have another" and then it happened. We have a very different experience to those who have fertility issues and I'm not saying that our situation is worse than theirs, it isn't. However, we have never had the option of even trying naturally, I've never tracked my ovulation, I've never taken a pregnancy test and eagerly awaited the results. We have had to plan every single step of the way - in some ways, compared to those with fertility issues, it's a luxury. They don't get to plan, they have endless disappointments and their outcome is about the same as ours. BUT I know a fair few people who had IVF for their first, which boosted their fertility and then they got pregnant naturally the second time, often by surprise. That isn't even an option for us. I'm not saying I would rather have fertility issues, I wouldn't. I like to plan and I couldn't handle the endless disappoints. I think the real bummer here is that this all might not even be necessary. If Ant doesn't have the gene, then this is unnecessary, which is going to be a real kick in the teeth if we end up not being able to have a second child. Similarly to the above issue, I don't wish we'd had him tested instead. Sure, if it was a negative result then it would make our lives SO much easier but if it was positive, that would be awful for our mental health and not something that we want to have to consider at this point in time. So we are somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place.
If this cycle fails, I don't know what we do. I'm almost reluctant to start it because, while that embryo remains frozen, we have hope. We currently have the possibility of trying for another child and can dream about it. If this cycle fails, that's pretty much it and I don't think I can accept that. So then we try again... we end up in a lot of debt... we maybe still don't conceive... we end up with a very big age gap between our children. Here's hoping they find a cure for HD so we can get Ant tested and have a postive outcome whatever the result. Yes, if it's positive we would still need IVF to continue (even with a cure we wouldn't want to put that on one child and not another, it wouldn't be fair) but if it was negative we could try naturally and, if it's later than planned, so what. We have no particular love of travelling, we are very family oriented and if Oscar's a teenager by then we have a ready made babysitter. I'm open to the possibility of expanding our family much later on and I will forever remain hopeful. To be honest, by the time Oscar and any other child are teenagers I'll probably have hit broody again so, if trying naturally is an option, I might go for it - I haven't discussed this with Ant though! We've talked about fostering so maybe we'd do that instead, who knows.
All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and I've achieved that. Having Oscar has fulfilled that need and means I don't really "need" another child. But in some ways it has made me want another one so much more because this journey has been so incredible and watching him learn makes my heart fill with more love than I ever thought possible.
Anyway, that's a big, long update on things at the moment because I REALLY needed to vent. Ciao!
Update - I wrote this post on 26 June but due to internet issues it didn't get posted. However, today (4 July) I rang the GP to ask about the email I'd sent. Turns out it hadn't even been passed on to the GP. They apologised and said he was now on holiday so they'd had to get someone else to look at it - which might actually work in my favour! They said they'd put it in front of someone this afternoon for them to get back to me tomorrow so I remain hopeful... if my maths is correct I'll need to get the first blood test done next Wednesday so we shall see how it goes!
I always wanted around a 2 year gap between babies but obviously with the need for IVF and wanting to breastfeed that was never going to be reasonably practicable and actually, given how challenging Oscar has been, I'm glad that's turned out to be the case. If we could have tried naturally we might, in a moment of madness, have already ended up conceiving and I don't think that would have worked for any of us. I never wanted a big gap between my children but I'm open to a slightly bigger gap that I was previously. I'd really like them within 4 years though, I think any more just puts them at completely different stages of life all the time and, until adulthood, they might find it hard to be close. Obviously they might not get on regardless of the age gap but I want to give them the best chance possible.
So, our original plan was always to have our baby and then use our frozen embryo to make a roughly 2-3 year gap. I wanted to breastfeed for the first 12 months, wean and get started again when Oscar was around 14-15 months. We figured it would be around a 6 month process, plus 9 months of pregnancy which would lead to a sibling being born when Oscar was 2.5 years old. Obviously this was all very vague but in my head I thought we might transfer again at the back end of 2019 or very early 2020, leading to a sibling before Oscar turned 3. Obviously this all relies on our frozen embryo actually sticking, another reason I want to get started early in case we have to go down other routes.
As it has turned out we have had a few complications:
We found out recently that, instead of around £1000, we are looking at around £2500 (£650 for Sheffield's costs, £1400 for London's costs and £400 for medication) - fortunately we have savings to cover this and we may be able to knock it down as Sheffield and London are only doing certain parts and those costs are for full embryo replacement cycles, but it was a bit of a bummer.
We found out that we couldn't even start the referral process until I had finished breastfeeding and my periods had returned, which meant a slightly longer wait.
Oscar has only just weaned from the breast, just after he turned 19 months.
There's around a 3+ month waiting list just for referral.
I spoke to our IVF Nurse recently who informed me of the process and costs. Basically, we can have the fertility tests and referral on the NHS and then once we see the Consultant to get the process started we pay the fees (in full). So she told me that once I'd stopped breastfeeding and my periods had returned I should go to my GP and ask for the referral. She said they might be kind enough to arrange the blood tests in advance which saves a bit of time as they have to be done throughout the cycle.
Fortunately, my periods returned within 5 days of him weaning so last Wednesday (19 June) I went to see the GP to ask for a referral. I was seen by the GP who is the Senior Partner for the practice. He's an older, slightly eccentric gentleman whom I've never met before and, my goodness, it was not a productive exercise. I expected this to be the simple bit but, as is often the case with IVF, it was not. He basically told me that it was his understanding that, as I have a live child, the NHS won't touch me so all he could do was make a private referral (although I could self-refer anyway if that was the case). He did say that he might be willing to do some very basic blood tests for me if I clarified exactly what they were. I explained that my nurse had told me to ask for the referral and that the blood tests were basic day 2 and day 21 fertility tests. Apparently that wasn't clarification enough so I showed him the email from her explaining the referral process. That STILL wasn't enough so he sent me away to speak to her again and find out exactly what the blood tests were (as a senior GP I figured he'd know, even I knew that it was day 2 LH/FSH and day 21 progesterone, which I said, but I didn't want to miss anything) and send an email to the surgery for his attention so he could provide me with the blood form. He basically said that he wouldn't/couldn't make the referral and that was that.
The following day I emailed our nurse who, as usual, was absolutely fabulous. She assured me that we were eligible for the tests and referral on the NHS, as it is quite common practice for them. She detailed the blood tests that were needed and got back to me within less than 48 hours. She said she was looking forward to seeing us again, offered to help in any way that she could with the GP and provided details of their business unit so he could speak to them if he was unhappy with the process.
So on Monday (24 June) I emailed the GP surgery, for this particular doctor's attention, and asked him to get back to me with regards to the referral and the blood test request form. Needless to say I haven't heard anything yet (26 June). I did have the delight of speaking to him for almost 10 minutes on the phone this morning, regarding Oscar's reflux, where he was JUST as unhelpful but that's a whole other story.
Anyway - this whole thing has left me feeling a little deflated. Since I've stopped breastfeeding Oscar, presumably due to hormones, I am incredibly broody. It doesn't help that one of my best friends is pregnant, although it kind of does help because I can live vicariously through her. She went through 4 years of trying to get pregnant too and has a little IVF baby growing inside her so I'm 100% happy for her and genuinely not jealous. But it doesn't stop me wanting to get things moving. In my head, the timeline from here will be a little like this:
Referral made by end of July.
Appointment for October/November, blood tests done in meantime.
Baseline scan and appointment with Consultant in December/January.
Start treatment February/March.
Transfer April/May.
IF successful, baby due late 2020/early 2021.
By that timeline, we would be looking at around 18 months from now before any baby was born and only actually around 9 months from now for me to be pregnant again which, when I phrase it like that, doesn't sound so bad. I'm not desperate to have another baby right now and we have lots of other stuff going on, but I really would love to be pregnant again sometime soon, certainly before this time next year. I really don't want a Christmas baby which could well be a possibility if my timeline is correct. Potentially, it could all happen quicker and we could be looking at transfer earlier in 2020 (I think this year is definitely off the cards). However, I am also very aware that it could take longer. It could be more of a summer transfer, with any baby due spring 2020.
Also, this is ALL very hypothetical. We could go through this whole process and not end up with a baby, or even a pregnancy. Six months ago I would have told you that I was entirely happy with Oscar and, whilst I would like another one, I wouldn't be devastated if it didn't happen. However, I have settled into motherhood a lot more in the last six months and by the time any potential baby comes Oscar will be much older and, hopefully, much less demanding. He will also be in free nursery hours so any baby can have lots of one-to-one time with me, which Oscar had the benefit of, so I think this is actually reasonably good timing. More importantly, we have become very aware that if we don't have any more children, Oscar may be very isolated. I'm quite isolated, I don't have many friends and I have no siblings. Ant has a brother and two step-brothers - his brother isn't likely to have children any time soon and we don't see his step-brothers regularly, although one of them does have a little boy only 4 months older than Oscar. We will have our friend's baby for Oscar to grow up with and hopefully he'll be better at making friends at school that we were, but it would still be nice for him to have someone else, someone who is always there.
The above point is especially important as the chance of him having high-functioning autism is quite high. I am currently on a (very long, 15 months to be exact) waiting list to be assessed for autism having scored 40/50 on their preliminary test, with a score of 26+ making you eligible for assessment. Ant has also done the same assessment and scored 40, although in different areas, and will be applying to the waiting list soon too. Given that there's a high chance of us both being autistic, poor Oscar doesn't really stand much chance. He's certainly not going to be severely autistic, unless something changes drastically, but it would be no surprise to us if he struggles to make friends.
I wasn't going to write about this for a while yet. I often don't have time to sit and write blog posts or to even gather my thoughts so, as much as I felt I ought to document it, I was going to at least wait until we had a referral in place. However, I found out earlier that my ex-boyfriend and his wife are expecting their second child. They have a son who is about a month younger than Oscar and it just really, really hurt. Partly because I'm a little bitter at his happiness knowing full well he treats her just as badly as he treated me but mostly because they, and most people, don't have to worry about this stuff. They just decided "let's have another" and then it happened. We have a very different experience to those who have fertility issues and I'm not saying that our situation is worse than theirs, it isn't. However, we have never had the option of even trying naturally, I've never tracked my ovulation, I've never taken a pregnancy test and eagerly awaited the results. We have had to plan every single step of the way - in some ways, compared to those with fertility issues, it's a luxury. They don't get to plan, they have endless disappointments and their outcome is about the same as ours. BUT I know a fair few people who had IVF for their first, which boosted their fertility and then they got pregnant naturally the second time, often by surprise. That isn't even an option for us. I'm not saying I would rather have fertility issues, I wouldn't. I like to plan and I couldn't handle the endless disappoints. I think the real bummer here is that this all might not even be necessary. If Ant doesn't have the gene, then this is unnecessary, which is going to be a real kick in the teeth if we end up not being able to have a second child. Similarly to the above issue, I don't wish we'd had him tested instead. Sure, if it was a negative result then it would make our lives SO much easier but if it was positive, that would be awful for our mental health and not something that we want to have to consider at this point in time. So we are somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place.
If this cycle fails, I don't know what we do. I'm almost reluctant to start it because, while that embryo remains frozen, we have hope. We currently have the possibility of trying for another child and can dream about it. If this cycle fails, that's pretty much it and I don't think I can accept that. So then we try again... we end up in a lot of debt... we maybe still don't conceive... we end up with a very big age gap between our children. Here's hoping they find a cure for HD so we can get Ant tested and have a postive outcome whatever the result. Yes, if it's positive we would still need IVF to continue (even with a cure we wouldn't want to put that on one child and not another, it wouldn't be fair) but if it was negative we could try naturally and, if it's later than planned, so what. We have no particular love of travelling, we are very family oriented and if Oscar's a teenager by then we have a ready made babysitter. I'm open to the possibility of expanding our family much later on and I will forever remain hopeful. To be honest, by the time Oscar and any other child are teenagers I'll probably have hit broody again so, if trying naturally is an option, I might go for it - I haven't discussed this with Ant though! We've talked about fostering so maybe we'd do that instead, who knows.
All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and I've achieved that. Having Oscar has fulfilled that need and means I don't really "need" another child. But in some ways it has made me want another one so much more because this journey has been so incredible and watching him learn makes my heart fill with more love than I ever thought possible.
Anyway, that's a big, long update on things at the moment because I REALLY needed to vent. Ciao!
Update - I wrote this post on 26 June but due to internet issues it didn't get posted. However, today (4 July) I rang the GP to ask about the email I'd sent. Turns out it hadn't even been passed on to the GP. They apologised and said he was now on holiday so they'd had to get someone else to look at it - which might actually work in my favour! They said they'd put it in front of someone this afternoon for them to get back to me tomorrow so I remain hopeful... if my maths is correct I'll need to get the first blood test done next Wednesday so we shall see how it goes!
Wednesday, 3 July 2019
20 months
Weight: He hasn't been weighed for a little while but he seems to be getting a little chunky - not in a bad way, just filling out a bit!
Health: Things haven't been great to be honest. We started the milk ladder with half a malted milk biscuit on a couple of days running - his sleep went to pot, he vomited a few times and his reflux got worse. However, we're now thinking it might be coincidence as that was over three weeks ago and his reflux is still bad. He's not really been sicky but he sounds really chesty after he eats or drinks. He's had a really bad bout of hayfever or another cold this week, we aren't sure but I'm really suffering with hayfever so it wouldn't surprise me if that was the culprit. He's now fully weaned from the breast (and has been for four weeks) so I'm back on dairy but he's back to being fully dairy free. His behaviour has been a bit up and down since he weaned and I'm not sure if it's because he's feeling rubbish or just because he's not got milk as a way of calming down (I wrote a full post about it yesterday). I did ring the GP last week about his reflux but I got an older, less caring GP who basically said he'd grow out of it and that was it! I'm wondering if he's maybe outgrown his ranitidine dose but it shouldn't be such a drastic difference so I'm really not sure. We are seeing the Paediatrician on 30 July so will save all my questions for them! Obviously I always worry that it's EDS-related but he doesn't seem obviously hypermobile so hopefully not.
Sleep: Bedtime is generally pretty smooth and we've shuffled it back to closer to 7 pm instead of 6 pm in the hope that he might sleep later in a morning, no such luck so far! He's still waking very early but it's hard to tell why as he's had a cold/hayfever/cough for the last week or so which has been disturbing him, along with his reflux making things worse. He's now having two bottles of milk (watered down) during the night, one around midnight and one around 4-5 am but he often doesn't go back to sleep after the second one which is exhausting for everyone involved. I'm going to see how things go once his cold has gone (if it's a cold) and then get in touch with our Sleep Consultant to ask about timings etc. He's midway through another developmental leap too so it wouldn't surprise me if that's had an impact.
Development: Every day is something new! Today he surprised me again - we were reading a story from a collection storybook and when we'd finished Oscar started pointing at the book and blowing kisses. He wanted to read another story from the book about kisses which we've only ever read once or twice and not for a couple of months! His memory is impeccable which does cause us some little difficulties because he never forgets anything - for example, if you say no to something he won't just drop it, he'll ask again an hour later, a day later, a week later etc. It will be a big asset for him when he gets older though! He cottons on to things so quickly; I've started counting to three to warn him about things and try to get him to do things when he's asked so now, if I ask him to do or not do something he holds his finger up and goes "daa" (he can't say one yet). He's learning new words everyday, today's was "robot" and he picks up signs really quickly now too - he's even been teaching the staff at nursery. He's getting better at communicating his wants and needs to us, whether verbally or otherwise. He can build towers with wooden blocks, up to around six at a time and is getting better at balancing them. He's basically running everywhere now and kicks a ball by swinging his leg rather than walking into it. He generally tells us when he's done a poo so we're thinking about toilet training in the next few months but ideally he'll tell us before he does it before we start. He's getting better at using gentle hands with people, animals and books although he's still likely to smack/headbutt/grab my face if he's overexcited or doesn't get his way. We are going to start introducing a time out zone and see how that goes. He's coming on amazingly with his swimming - he can hold onto the side independently, kicks his legs, climbs out with a little help, supports himself with two woggles to float around the pool, jumps in from sitting and generally participates well.
Likes/Dislikes: He had his first time on a ride at a fair this weekend and LOVED it, so much so that he spent the next hour asking to go back on it and making a beeline for it! He really loves being outdoors, exploring anywhere and everywhere. Breaded fish is easily his favourite food and one of the few things that I can consistently get him to eat, he's pretty picky nowadays but we're getting by. He isn't keen on loud noises such as strimmers, motorbikes, dogs barking but he is slowly getting used to them with a lot of support. He loves taking selfies, brushing his teeth, playing in water and books too.
Nursery: He's still barely eating at nursery, although they said he's doing pretty well with his fruit lately. They're really impressed with his signing and they take him into the pre-school garden to play outside because he's too advanced for the baby garden now.
Me: My course is going well and I've passed my second assignment (after some minor alterations). I'm getting stuck in with my third now.
Universal Credit STILL isn't in place but we're managing and we've cut corners wherever possible.
I've been physically struggling and generally exhausted since weaning Oscar. I'm not sure if it's a hormonal thing, a hayfever thing or because I've been eating a lot of dairy, I'm going to give it another few weeks and if it doesn't improve I'll cut the dairy down again. It could also be because I'm not very physically active so I'm going to try and start getting some exercise again. I've been trying to take regular vitamins to see if that helps. I had a filling the other day on a tooth that didn't hurt and now it hurts when I bite down so I'm going to have to go back and see them about that. I've also got my first hand therapy appointment this week.
Both Ant and I decided to self-refer to be assessed for autism. The first step was a questionnaire whereby if you scored more than 26/50 you warrant an assessment. We both scored 40, although on different questions. I've sent mine off and am on a waiting list but it's a FIFTEEN month waiting list so nothing will happen any time soon.
We are starting the process to have a second child but it's not going to be very quick - I've drafted a full post about it which I'll post soon!
Health: Things haven't been great to be honest. We started the milk ladder with half a malted milk biscuit on a couple of days running - his sleep went to pot, he vomited a few times and his reflux got worse. However, we're now thinking it might be coincidence as that was over three weeks ago and his reflux is still bad. He's not really been sicky but he sounds really chesty after he eats or drinks. He's had a really bad bout of hayfever or another cold this week, we aren't sure but I'm really suffering with hayfever so it wouldn't surprise me if that was the culprit. He's now fully weaned from the breast (and has been for four weeks) so I'm back on dairy but he's back to being fully dairy free. His behaviour has been a bit up and down since he weaned and I'm not sure if it's because he's feeling rubbish or just because he's not got milk as a way of calming down (I wrote a full post about it yesterday). I did ring the GP last week about his reflux but I got an older, less caring GP who basically said he'd grow out of it and that was it! I'm wondering if he's maybe outgrown his ranitidine dose but it shouldn't be such a drastic difference so I'm really not sure. We are seeing the Paediatrician on 30 July so will save all my questions for them! Obviously I always worry that it's EDS-related but he doesn't seem obviously hypermobile so hopefully not.
Sleep: Bedtime is generally pretty smooth and we've shuffled it back to closer to 7 pm instead of 6 pm in the hope that he might sleep later in a morning, no such luck so far! He's still waking very early but it's hard to tell why as he's had a cold/hayfever/cough for the last week or so which has been disturbing him, along with his reflux making things worse. He's now having two bottles of milk (watered down) during the night, one around midnight and one around 4-5 am but he often doesn't go back to sleep after the second one which is exhausting for everyone involved. I'm going to see how things go once his cold has gone (if it's a cold) and then get in touch with our Sleep Consultant to ask about timings etc. He's midway through another developmental leap too so it wouldn't surprise me if that's had an impact.
Development: Every day is something new! Today he surprised me again - we were reading a story from a collection storybook and when we'd finished Oscar started pointing at the book and blowing kisses. He wanted to read another story from the book about kisses which we've only ever read once or twice and not for a couple of months! His memory is impeccable which does cause us some little difficulties because he never forgets anything - for example, if you say no to something he won't just drop it, he'll ask again an hour later, a day later, a week later etc. It will be a big asset for him when he gets older though! He cottons on to things so quickly; I've started counting to three to warn him about things and try to get him to do things when he's asked so now, if I ask him to do or not do something he holds his finger up and goes "daa" (he can't say one yet). He's learning new words everyday, today's was "robot" and he picks up signs really quickly now too - he's even been teaching the staff at nursery. He's getting better at communicating his wants and needs to us, whether verbally or otherwise. He can build towers with wooden blocks, up to around six at a time and is getting better at balancing them. He's basically running everywhere now and kicks a ball by swinging his leg rather than walking into it. He generally tells us when he's done a poo so we're thinking about toilet training in the next few months but ideally he'll tell us before he does it before we start. He's getting better at using gentle hands with people, animals and books although he's still likely to smack/headbutt/grab my face if he's overexcited or doesn't get his way. We are going to start introducing a time out zone and see how that goes. He's coming on amazingly with his swimming - he can hold onto the side independently, kicks his legs, climbs out with a little help, supports himself with two woggles to float around the pool, jumps in from sitting and generally participates well.
Likes/Dislikes: He had his first time on a ride at a fair this weekend and LOVED it, so much so that he spent the next hour asking to go back on it and making a beeline for it! He really loves being outdoors, exploring anywhere and everywhere. Breaded fish is easily his favourite food and one of the few things that I can consistently get him to eat, he's pretty picky nowadays but we're getting by. He isn't keen on loud noises such as strimmers, motorbikes, dogs barking but he is slowly getting used to them with a lot of support. He loves taking selfies, brushing his teeth, playing in water and books too.
Nursery: He's still barely eating at nursery, although they said he's doing pretty well with his fruit lately. They're really impressed with his signing and they take him into the pre-school garden to play outside because he's too advanced for the baby garden now.
Me: My course is going well and I've passed my second assignment (after some minor alterations). I'm getting stuck in with my third now.
Universal Credit STILL isn't in place but we're managing and we've cut corners wherever possible.
I've been physically struggling and generally exhausted since weaning Oscar. I'm not sure if it's a hormonal thing, a hayfever thing or because I've been eating a lot of dairy, I'm going to give it another few weeks and if it doesn't improve I'll cut the dairy down again. It could also be because I'm not very physically active so I'm going to try and start getting some exercise again. I've been trying to take regular vitamins to see if that helps. I had a filling the other day on a tooth that didn't hurt and now it hurts when I bite down so I'm going to have to go back and see them about that. I've also got my first hand therapy appointment this week.
Both Ant and I decided to self-refer to be assessed for autism. The first step was a questionnaire whereby if you scored more than 26/50 you warrant an assessment. We both scored 40, although on different questions. I've sent mine off and am on a waiting list but it's a FIFTEEN month waiting list so nothing will happen any time soon.
We are starting the process to have a second child but it's not going to be very quick - I've drafted a full post about it which I'll post soon!
Tuesday, 2 July 2019
Bad Behaviour?
Since the beginning of the year I've really felt like I've "settled in" to parenting. I have a break from Oscar on my working days and Ant works hard to ensure I get lie ins wherever possible as I do the night shifts. I was starting to really enjoy my time alone with Oscar, especially as the weather improved and we could get out more. Now he's a little bit older he can engage more with play and activities, his attention span is a little longer, he can entertain himself reasonably well for short periods and his communication is coming along, all of which made it easier spending long periods of time alone with him.
However, in the last month (since I stopped breastfeeding) I've really noticed a shift in my mood, his behaviour and how I'm finding parenting. He seems to be a little more aggressive (sometimes because he's tired or overexcited) and more demanding - now he can ask for what he wants it frustrates him when he doesn't get it. Here are a few examples of his current behaviour:
However, in the last month (since I stopped breastfeeding) I've really noticed a shift in my mood, his behaviour and how I'm finding parenting. He seems to be a little more aggressive (sometimes because he's tired or overexcited) and more demanding - now he can ask for what he wants it frustrates him when he doesn't get it. Here are a few examples of his current behaviour:
- He asks for Baby Shark, I let him listen to it a couple of times then tell him that's enough and it's going away. He gets very upset/angry and tantrums for a short while then repeatedly asks again/tries to get my phone to get me to put it on. He then asks continuously throughout the day, each time with a meltdown when I say no.
- We went to a fair and let him go on a ride. He spent the following hour asking to go on the same ride again, could not be distracted by anything else and every time we put him down to have a run around he ran straight back in that direction, even from the opposite side of the fair.
- He throws his food, sometimes even the food he wants to eat. We have a place on the table for him to put food that he doesn't want, so he doesn't have to keep it on his tray, and this did work well for a while. However, now he's just gone back to chucking it on the floor and then either saying "gone" or pointing at the table where he should put it.
- He throws EVERYTHING. If you tell him he can't play with something and try to take it off him, he throws it, usually hitting me and hurting me! If he's done with something, he throws it. It's excessive.
- When he gets angry or overexcited he gets aggressive - he tries to smack, grabs/pinches your face, head butts. He's pretty good at using gentle hands when he's reminded though and is more likely to head bang against an inanimate object than hurt someone else.
Now, most of these things are within the realm of "normal toddler behaviour" and he's by no means a majorly difficult child. However, when I'm tired and in pain it all gets a lot harder. If I'm struggling in a morning I let him have the TV on more, which inevitably leads to him being more difficult in the afternoon. He's struggling with worsening reflux, teething and going through a developmental leap at the moment so I'm not entirely surprised by any of his behaviour and I'm sure it's just a phase but I'm finding it hard. I think part of it is that he relied quite heavily on breastfeeding to calm himself down and he's yet to learn other ways of doing so, especially as he isn't keen on cuddles.
What's worse is that I know I'm part of the problem. I can be inconsistent with behaviour management and sometimes I overreact. Suffering from chronic pain makes me overly sensitive to acute pain so if he throws something at me or scratches me or whatever I tend to yelp or shout, not at him but in pain. He then gets really upset and it's hard to address the issue because he's so upset. I'm hoping this is all a hormonal thing from stopping breastfeeding and it will balance out once I can get myself back on the pill. I'm also considering whether it could be related to the fact that I've put dairy back into my diet, maybe I have somewhat of a dairy intolerance too? If sorting my hormones out doesn't help then that will be my next port of call.
Here's hoping things settle down again soon!
Thursday, 13 June 2019
Birth Story (just a bit late)
Throughout my pregnancy I always felt like Pip would be late and I was absolutely okay with that. I enjoyed being pregnant and I was happy to wait as long as it took for things to get started. However, I really didn't want to be induced so as my due date approached I started trying natural methods to get things moving. My due date was Wednesday 1st November and in the week leading up to it I'd remained active and especially done a lot of bouncing on my birthing ball. On the Tuesday I went for a good long walk involving a lot of hills and still felt like nothing was going to happen. I'd had no Braxton Hicks or anything during my pregnancy so I really felt like it was still going to be a while. On the Tuesday night Ant and I went to bed to "try and get things started" and then went to sleep. During the night I woke up a couple of times to pee and noticed some minor cramps but I'd been woken up with pains a few times in the preceding week (they turned out to be gas pains) so I thought nothing of it.
On the Wednesday morning Ant got up and got ready to go to work. I stayed in bed as he starts work at 6 on Wednesdays but at 05:30, just as he was getting his shoes on, I felt a large, warm gush of fluid which was unmistakably my waters. I leapt out of bed and headed to the bathroom to try and minimise the mess and shouted Ant to tell him not to leave just yet. We were both pretty excited and I rang the hospital to let them know the situation. They asked me to go in so they could confirm it was my waters but told me that it was fine to take my time. I was having regular small gushes of waters leaking so I was 99% sure that it was my waters rather than just pee, especially given the amount.
We rang Ant's dad and stepmum and asked them to come and get us to take us to the hospital. I was kind of giddy about the fact that things were happening and was giggling when Ant rang them so they thought we were joking - if not for the fact that it was before 06:00 they probably wouldn't have believed we weren't. We took the opportunity to grab the last few bits for the hospital bags and I tried to have some breakfast, although I only managed a couple of mouthfuls of toast as it was way too early for me to be hungry. I grabbed a couple of paracetamol just in case labour actually kicked in and then Ant's parents arrived and we headed off to the hospital at around 07:15.
Ant and I went to the Pregnancy Assessment Unit whilst his parents went to get a coffee. They asked me to do a urine sample then popped me on a bed to assess me - temperature, blood pressure and the like. They took my history and as they were about to have a shift change the midwife started to do a handover. I suddenly came over very faint and nauseous and, despite the midwife thrusting a bowl in front of my face, I projectile vomited all over myself, right down my legs and across the bed. This happened a couple of times over the next hour and the midwife took some blood and asked if she could examine me to check my waters had actually broken. Upon inspection of my pad she decided she didn't need to examine me as it was very obviously waters but she asked the Registrar on call to come and see me. It was decided that, as I wasn't in labour, I would be induced the following morning at 08:00 but be kept in hospital until then because of the vomiting/fainting episodes. However, whilst that decision was being made I had a couple of contractions. I was surprised how strong they were right from the outset but apparently it's not uncommon for contractions to be more intense once your waters have gone and, as mine went before they started, they came on strong right away.
I was taken up to the ward at 09:20 and put in a private room right at the far end. Within a couple of minutes I'd heard the midwife outside complaining that she'd got to deal with me, complaining that I'd got to be isolated as I was vomiting and complaining that I shouldn't be there because I wasn't in labour (bear in mind that this was not the labour ward, it was the antenatal/postnatal ward which dealt with a variety of women in various stages of pregnancy and dealt with inductions). I couldn't help but think that she was being incredibly unprofessional and found it quite annoying as I was actually having contractions every five minutes by this point. She popped me on the monitor, decided that my contractions were weak and completely irregular and told me to stay active. I was still being sick regularly and she said if it carried on she would consider giving me something for the sickness and some paracetamol. At 10:30 I asked Ant to blow up my birthing ball for me, which I used for a grand total of one or two contractions and then decided it wasn't going to work as I had to keep dashing off to be sick and couldn't get in a comfortable position with it. Having spent most of the morning on the floor bent over the toilet the midwife finally relented and gave me some cyclizine for the sickness at 11:30 along with some paracetamol and a very small dose of Oramorph - neither of which even took the edge off the contractions.
By lunchtime the contractions were coming every 2-2.5 minutes and lasting for 1-1.5 minutes at a time with occasional breaks of 5-6 minutes - typically these breaks occurred when the midwife had come to check on me and every time she felt my stomach during a contraction she maintained that it was mild and I was still not in labour. In hindsight, I genuinely think my body just shut down every time she entered the room and that's why everything stopped. From reading one of my Hypnobirthing books it mentioned a fight/flight response when women are scared and I thought it was a load of rubbish until I thought about it very recently. She repeatedly told me that I was definitely not in labour and that it was going to get much, much worse so I needed to deal with it. Honestly she made me feel like a complete failure. I felt like I couldn't cope and there was no way I was going to actually be able to deal with labour if this wasn't even the early stages, especially as the sickness hadn't slowed down much even after the medication. At 13:00 she insisted I go for a walk but we didn't get very far before I had to return to be sick. She came back not long after and was very rude about the fact that I was lying on the bed resting in between contractions/vomiting episodes. I thought ALS was going to throw her out the window - he stayed polite but he was clearly very unhappy. I was absolutely exhausted by this point. Because I'd not managed much in the way of breakfast or had much to drink I'd essentially kept nothing in my stomach for over 18 hours and every time I was sick I was just bringing up bile. It got to the point where I was actually throwing up blood because my body was just bringing up whatever it could find, despite me trying to keep sipping water.
Around 13:30 I managed to get into a good rhythm of rocking whilst leaning on the rail on the door during a contraction, then lying on my side on the bed trying to catnap in between, with the occasional vomiting episode. We spoke to the midwife a couple of times but mostly she left us alone. She came in around 15:30 and again reminded me that I wasn't really in labour and nothing was happening which left me feel incredibly disheartened. Around 16:00 a different midwife popped in and within ten minutes she'd given me the confidence I needed to carry on - she was far more supportive, she showed Ant how to massage my back to take the edge off and she offered to run me a bath. I got in the bath very briefly but it made me feel too hot and faint, which made the sickness worse, so I got back out.
At around 17:00 I called the midwife back (sadly the original one came) as I was contracting every four minutes and they were lasting over a minute. She begrudingly agreed to examine me but told me that I probably wouldn't even be 1 cm dilated. To her (and my) surprise I was actually a good 5-6 cm dilated and it was time to go to the labour ward - thank goodness!
By 17:40 (after a long walk and a tense ride in the life) I was on the labour ward and was introduced to the midwife down there. I had to do a urine sample and I threw up a few more time - after some Powerade which startled everyone because it made the vomit green. The Anaesthetist came in to speak to me and I sent her away after politely declining an epidural. It all gets a bit blurry around here as I tried the gas and air which did help but then I had to lie on my back to be monitored. Once on my back I realised I couldn't cope and asked the to get the Anaesthetist back so that I could have the epidural. A few midwives then tried to get a cannula in so that I could be given some fluids alongside the epidural but because I was so dehydrated it was impossible. About 5 attempts and a lot of collapsed veins later (fuelled by gas and air) they gave up and asked the Anaesthetist to do it, she eventually managed to get one in my wrist but it was only a small one. She got cracking with the epidural and it was in by around 20:30. Ironically, because it took almost an hour to get the epidural sorted, by the time it was in I was actually coping a lot better so I probably should have just dealt without it but I was in "transition" right at the time I got down to labour ward so it was all just bad timing. Ant rang his stepmum and said that she could come in now I was comfortable so she could be there for the birth (you're allowed two birth partners) and she arrived around 21:00, by which time I was comfortable, talking and laughing. Somewhere during the epidural process the midwives changed shift and I remember apologising to the new midwife that I hadn't even noticed her being introduced - I wish I could remember her name as she was lovely. Unfortunately I can only remember the name of the nasty midwife!
I was examined again at 21:40 and was 7 cm. The midwife gave my cervix a good stretch and then suggested I get some rest as she would examine me again in 4 hours. She also put a catheter in at this point as I was unable to get up and about. I did keep most of the feeling in my legs with the epidural so I could change position relatively easily but it really masked the pain.
Time passed relatively quickly once I was comfortable and we mostly just chatted with the midwives and tried to get a bit of sleep here and there (but I was way too excited) and having a lot of rib pain. My contractions started to slow down a lot so I was put on a syntocinon drip to try and speed things up again at around 01:00 and examined again at 01:40 as planned. On examination I was exactly the same as before, which we expected, and the drip was gradually turned up every 15 minutes or so. I was due to be examined again at around 06:00 but they decided to examine me at 04:00 as the baby's heart rate was dipping with the contractions. We were seen by a wonderful Registrar who was just starting his shift and was the most cheerful person I've ever met, he really reassured us and despite the fact that things weren't going to plan I was perfectly calm. They decided to take a blood sample from the baby's head to check that he (we'd decided he must be a boy as he was causing trouble) wasn't in any distress. The blood results came back okay and when I was examined again at 05:30 I was 8-9 cm so they decided to leave me until 07:30 as long as the baby's heart rate was okay. We tried various positions and the midwives kept a close eye on the monitor until then.
At 07:30 I was examined again and was FINALLY fully dilated and the midwives changed over - I got two midwives at this point, one who was just coming back from a long break and getting back into the swing of things. Eventually I was given the go ahead to start pushing around 08:00. They usually give you a couple of hours for the baby to move down but they decided to get going straight away given the baby's heart rate dropping with each contraction. I sat on the edge of the bed to push and I felt like I was doing really well, the midwives were certainly happy with how I was doing and kind of just left me to it. However, the contractions slowed down to every 10 minutes and even with the drip being constantly turned up they didn't increase. The baby was also facing upwards which they said would make it harder.
Eventually, somewhere before 09:00 a decision was made to go to theatre and try to turn the baby and assist delivery with forceps. If that didn't work they would proceed to a Caesarean section so the epidural needed to be topped up to fully numb everything. The new Anaesthetist (with two assistants) came and explained everything and then got the epidural topped up before we headed round to theatre. Ant was taken away to get into some scrubs and I was wheeled into theatre. It took a good half hour before the epidural had actually kicked in properly - the Anaesthetist kept telling me I shouldn't be able to feel him touching my legs and I could still lift them up and down - which we are sure is all down to my EDS. Whilst they were waiting for it to kick in they needed to get a larger cannula in in case I ended up needing extra fluids or blood. As I had been rehydrated overnight they expected that this would be quite easy but alas it took all three Anaesthetists and another 5 attempts to get a larger cannula in (they very kindly used local anaesthetic for each attempt). I remember repeatedly asking for Ant and being told he wasn't there yet - apparently the poor guy had been left in a room and just assumed that I'd had to have a general anaesthetic and he'd missed the birth.
Honestly, it was all a bit of a blur. There were three Anaesthetists, a Registrar, two midwives, a Consultant, Ant and possible a Maternity Care Assistant or two all around me, I couldn't even tell you what the room looked like! Finally the epidural was working, Ant was by my side, the cannula was in place and we were ready to go...
By this time the baby had come right down, turned himself around and the contractions had sped up. The Registrar performed an episiotomy, attached the forceps and told me to give a couple of pushes to see what happened - apparently my pushing was more than adequate as he came out pretty much in one motion at 09:54. The Consultant then told me that the forceps were probably unnecessary - such a shame they didn't give me chance to try pushing again with him being in a better position. He cried instantly and Ant told me that he was, in fact, a little boy. Ant cut the cord and I remember being completely overwhelmed. He was placed on my chest for skin to skin and I just held him close, kissed him repeatedly and cried.
I was then told that my placenta was coming away and it needed to be manually removed, which I consented to. I assumed this was done with some sort of tool but according to Ant the doctor basically just put her entire arm inside and pulled it out! I ended up losing quite a lot of blood and the doctor started to sound quite worried but, as it turned out, it was only 800 ml so not enough to need a transfusion but enough to class as a postpartum haemorrhage. I remember this happening but I don't remember feeling panicked at any point and I don't think I started to feel ill either - honestly I was just so enamoured with my baby boy that I couldn't even think about anything else. She stitched me up and I was wheeled around to recovery.
In recovery the midwives filled in the paperwork whilst Ant and I just stared in awe at our beautiful little boy. I had some water and a couple of biscuits (the first thing I'd eaten in well over 24 hours) which was amazing. We tried breastfeeding but our baby, who had no name at this point, wasn't ready. We were taken up to the ward around 11:00 I think and it was brilliant - we were in a four-bed room but we were the only people in there for quite some time so it was nice and quiet. At 13:30 he took his first feed and it was incredible. I'm so lucky that he took to feeding so well as I know a lot of people have problems. My dad had driven down from Manchester the night before and stayed with family so he visited at around 14:00 and he helped me to top and tail the baby, who had done a GIANT poo, and get him dressed whilst Ant went to speak to his dad and stepmum (who ended up missing the birth after a whole night in the labour room with us). They then swapped out with my dad so they could meet their grandson.
After everyone had left at 16:00 I had my bloods done and was very anaemic so I was started on some iron (and some pretty nice painkillers). I was still bleeding quite heavily but that was to be expected. At our hospital, partners are allowed to stay overnight (which is a recent development) so I sent Ant home around 16:30 to get some food and some rest before we tackled our first night as parents.
I should mention at this point that I was still just in my hospital gown and basically lying on a puppy training pad where all the blood was collected. I think they'd wedged a pad between my legs too, I can't really remember. A wonderful Maternity Care Assistant came and helped me get myself sorted out and, honestly, she was worth her weight in gold. It doesn't matter how much dignity you lose through IVF and labour, it's still a little weird not being able to wipe your own mess up! She helped me get cleaned up and into some clean pants and a pad (and then a second lot when I got blood all over the first lot trying to get them on). She then helped me get up and into a chair and brought the baby round so he was within arm's reach. My dinner then arrived and, just at that moment, the baby needing feeding and I got totally overwhelmed and rang Ant to get him to come back. The poor guy had only had about 30 minutes sleep and half a meal because he was so tired he forgot to put the other half on his plate but he dutifully returned straight away, by which time I'd managed to feed the baby and get some shepherd's pie into myself... it was the tastiest shepherd's pie I've ever had but that might just have been because I was starving! At some point during the afternoon, the midwife from the day before visited and had nothing to say other than "So, how long did you manage to last before you had the epidural then?" in a stupidly judgy tone. Honestly, she was vile.
Visiting time was 18:00-20:00 so Ant's step-brother and his wife came to visit. My catheter was removed around 19:00 and then our visitors kindly kept an eye on our little bubs (and had lots of cuddles) while Ant helped me to have a shower. For some reason I hadn't packed shower gel because my idiot brain thought it would be like a hotel and would have some on the wall! At around 20:00, just after our visitors left I started bleeding more heavily and managed to do my first little wee. I'd been kept on fluids from 20:00 the previous night until about 18:00 that evening but due to the dehydration and blood loss there still wasn't much going into my bladder.
Overnight we tried to get some sleep and baby fed every few hours. He didn't really want to be in his crib between feeds so I'd feed him for half an hour or so then Ant would settle him for a bit then we'd swap and we basically just repeated that pattern all night. To be honest, although I was exhausted I didn't want to close my eyes and stop looking at him! Both baby and I were still on four-hourly observations, which typically didn't coincide with the feeds so sleep was very, very limited but the ward was beautifully quiet. At around 2:30 I passed what looked like a large blood clot which it was eventually confirmed was a retained piece of placenta, which was surprising considering my placenta had been removed manually. The baby's observations were stopped around this point as the midwife was happy with him but mine were continued. I did manage to pass reasonable amounts of urine overnight which made them far less concerned. Looking back, I was seriously dehydrated for a long time and lost a lot of blood (a fair amount during labour and quite a bit throughout the following 24 hours) but I don't remember ever feeling poorly or anything, but maybe that's because I'm used to feeling wobbly and a bit rubbish with the EDS!
Eventually, by around 07:00 the next day the baby was finally settled peacefully in his cot so I left him and Ant sleeping and went for some breakfast. I actually ended up having breakfast with a lady I used to work with who'd had her baby a few days previous but he was 5 weeks early and still having a little trouble feeding so they were still being kept under observation. It was nice to see a friendly face - we were also joined by a pregnant girl who was having a complicated pregnancy and had been an inpatient for a while. When I got back Ant and baby both woke up so they had some cuddles while I had a shower and got myself dressed.
At some point during the morning the Consultant who followed me up during pregnancy (and who I knew from my previous job) came to visit me and see how we had got on. At 08:15 the midwife decided she was happy with my observations and they were discontinued. At 09:15 the baby had his newborn hearing check, which he passed with flying colours and then various bits and bobs of paperwork had to be completed. We had a few checks on how we were getting on with feeding, both from midwives and from the Breastfeeding Support Volunteers - I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of support available. We had to watch a video about not shaking babies and sign a form to say we'd watched it! Later on that morning baby had his newborn check, the doctor visited me and gave us the all clear to go home once my stitches had been checked. We had some lunch, got the baby changed and bundled into his car seat and headed home, chaperoned by Ant's parents. I remember insisting on being the one who carried him to the car - I'd carried him into the hospital and I wanted to carry him out - but I definitely underestimated how far it was and how knackered I was. I managed it though!
Ant's brother was at our house, having been looking after the cats for us and we all had a bit of a catch up. Ant and his dad got the pushchair and the bouncer set up and then everyone left us alone to have some peace and quiet - we should have gone to sleep but we only had one episode of Stranger Things (season two) left so we watched that and settled into our new life as a family of three!
I've only JUST got round to writing this up and Oscar is now 19 months old so I'm sure it's a bit sketchy (I made notes a few days after I had him but they were quite vague. The more I think about it now, the more I'm quite unhappy with my birth - particularly because I feel like I was failed by the first midwife and things would have gone very differently if I'd had more support and been sent down to the labour ward for pain relief and fluids when I should have been instead of her insisting I wasn't in labour. Next time, and I really hope there is a next time, I will know how to be a better advocate for myself and Ant will also know more of what to expect and what we are within our rights to ask for. All in all though, I was relatively unscathed (aside from the major bruising to my arms, the collapsed veins and the slightly unnecessary episiotomy) and have a healthy baby so I can't complain too much!
On the Wednesday morning Ant got up and got ready to go to work. I stayed in bed as he starts work at 6 on Wednesdays but at 05:30, just as he was getting his shoes on, I felt a large, warm gush of fluid which was unmistakably my waters. I leapt out of bed and headed to the bathroom to try and minimise the mess and shouted Ant to tell him not to leave just yet. We were both pretty excited and I rang the hospital to let them know the situation. They asked me to go in so they could confirm it was my waters but told me that it was fine to take my time. I was having regular small gushes of waters leaking so I was 99% sure that it was my waters rather than just pee, especially given the amount.
We rang Ant's dad and stepmum and asked them to come and get us to take us to the hospital. I was kind of giddy about the fact that things were happening and was giggling when Ant rang them so they thought we were joking - if not for the fact that it was before 06:00 they probably wouldn't have believed we weren't. We took the opportunity to grab the last few bits for the hospital bags and I tried to have some breakfast, although I only managed a couple of mouthfuls of toast as it was way too early for me to be hungry. I grabbed a couple of paracetamol just in case labour actually kicked in and then Ant's parents arrived and we headed off to the hospital at around 07:15.
Ant and I went to the Pregnancy Assessment Unit whilst his parents went to get a coffee. They asked me to do a urine sample then popped me on a bed to assess me - temperature, blood pressure and the like. They took my history and as they were about to have a shift change the midwife started to do a handover. I suddenly came over very faint and nauseous and, despite the midwife thrusting a bowl in front of my face, I projectile vomited all over myself, right down my legs and across the bed. This happened a couple of times over the next hour and the midwife took some blood and asked if she could examine me to check my waters had actually broken. Upon inspection of my pad she decided she didn't need to examine me as it was very obviously waters but she asked the Registrar on call to come and see me. It was decided that, as I wasn't in labour, I would be induced the following morning at 08:00 but be kept in hospital until then because of the vomiting/fainting episodes. However, whilst that decision was being made I had a couple of contractions. I was surprised how strong they were right from the outset but apparently it's not uncommon for contractions to be more intense once your waters have gone and, as mine went before they started, they came on strong right away.
I was taken up to the ward at 09:20 and put in a private room right at the far end. Within a couple of minutes I'd heard the midwife outside complaining that she'd got to deal with me, complaining that I'd got to be isolated as I was vomiting and complaining that I shouldn't be there because I wasn't in labour (bear in mind that this was not the labour ward, it was the antenatal/postnatal ward which dealt with a variety of women in various stages of pregnancy and dealt with inductions). I couldn't help but think that she was being incredibly unprofessional and found it quite annoying as I was actually having contractions every five minutes by this point. She popped me on the monitor, decided that my contractions were weak and completely irregular and told me to stay active. I was still being sick regularly and she said if it carried on she would consider giving me something for the sickness and some paracetamol. At 10:30 I asked Ant to blow up my birthing ball for me, which I used for a grand total of one or two contractions and then decided it wasn't going to work as I had to keep dashing off to be sick and couldn't get in a comfortable position with it. Having spent most of the morning on the floor bent over the toilet the midwife finally relented and gave me some cyclizine for the sickness at 11:30 along with some paracetamol and a very small dose of Oramorph - neither of which even took the edge off the contractions.
By lunchtime the contractions were coming every 2-2.5 minutes and lasting for 1-1.5 minutes at a time with occasional breaks of 5-6 minutes - typically these breaks occurred when the midwife had come to check on me and every time she felt my stomach during a contraction she maintained that it was mild and I was still not in labour. In hindsight, I genuinely think my body just shut down every time she entered the room and that's why everything stopped. From reading one of my Hypnobirthing books it mentioned a fight/flight response when women are scared and I thought it was a load of rubbish until I thought about it very recently. She repeatedly told me that I was definitely not in labour and that it was going to get much, much worse so I needed to deal with it. Honestly she made me feel like a complete failure. I felt like I couldn't cope and there was no way I was going to actually be able to deal with labour if this wasn't even the early stages, especially as the sickness hadn't slowed down much even after the medication. At 13:00 she insisted I go for a walk but we didn't get very far before I had to return to be sick. She came back not long after and was very rude about the fact that I was lying on the bed resting in between contractions/vomiting episodes. I thought ALS was going to throw her out the window - he stayed polite but he was clearly very unhappy. I was absolutely exhausted by this point. Because I'd not managed much in the way of breakfast or had much to drink I'd essentially kept nothing in my stomach for over 18 hours and every time I was sick I was just bringing up bile. It got to the point where I was actually throwing up blood because my body was just bringing up whatever it could find, despite me trying to keep sipping water.
Around 13:30 I managed to get into a good rhythm of rocking whilst leaning on the rail on the door during a contraction, then lying on my side on the bed trying to catnap in between, with the occasional vomiting episode. We spoke to the midwife a couple of times but mostly she left us alone. She came in around 15:30 and again reminded me that I wasn't really in labour and nothing was happening which left me feel incredibly disheartened. Around 16:00 a different midwife popped in and within ten minutes she'd given me the confidence I needed to carry on - she was far more supportive, she showed Ant how to massage my back to take the edge off and she offered to run me a bath. I got in the bath very briefly but it made me feel too hot and faint, which made the sickness worse, so I got back out.
At around 17:00 I called the midwife back (sadly the original one came) as I was contracting every four minutes and they were lasting over a minute. She begrudingly agreed to examine me but told me that I probably wouldn't even be 1 cm dilated. To her (and my) surprise I was actually a good 5-6 cm dilated and it was time to go to the labour ward - thank goodness!
By 17:40 (after a long walk and a tense ride in the life) I was on the labour ward and was introduced to the midwife down there. I had to do a urine sample and I threw up a few more time - after some Powerade which startled everyone because it made the vomit green. The Anaesthetist came in to speak to me and I sent her away after politely declining an epidural. It all gets a bit blurry around here as I tried the gas and air which did help but then I had to lie on my back to be monitored. Once on my back I realised I couldn't cope and asked the to get the Anaesthetist back so that I could have the epidural. A few midwives then tried to get a cannula in so that I could be given some fluids alongside the epidural but because I was so dehydrated it was impossible. About 5 attempts and a lot of collapsed veins later (fuelled by gas and air) they gave up and asked the Anaesthetist to do it, she eventually managed to get one in my wrist but it was only a small one. She got cracking with the epidural and it was in by around 20:30. Ironically, because it took almost an hour to get the epidural sorted, by the time it was in I was actually coping a lot better so I probably should have just dealt without it but I was in "transition" right at the time I got down to labour ward so it was all just bad timing. Ant rang his stepmum and said that she could come in now I was comfortable so she could be there for the birth (you're allowed two birth partners) and she arrived around 21:00, by which time I was comfortable, talking and laughing. Somewhere during the epidural process the midwives changed shift and I remember apologising to the new midwife that I hadn't even noticed her being introduced - I wish I could remember her name as she was lovely. Unfortunately I can only remember the name of the nasty midwife!
I was examined again at 21:40 and was 7 cm. The midwife gave my cervix a good stretch and then suggested I get some rest as she would examine me again in 4 hours. She also put a catheter in at this point as I was unable to get up and about. I did keep most of the feeling in my legs with the epidural so I could change position relatively easily but it really masked the pain.
Time passed relatively quickly once I was comfortable and we mostly just chatted with the midwives and tried to get a bit of sleep here and there (but I was way too excited) and having a lot of rib pain. My contractions started to slow down a lot so I was put on a syntocinon drip to try and speed things up again at around 01:00 and examined again at 01:40 as planned. On examination I was exactly the same as before, which we expected, and the drip was gradually turned up every 15 minutes or so. I was due to be examined again at around 06:00 but they decided to examine me at 04:00 as the baby's heart rate was dipping with the contractions. We were seen by a wonderful Registrar who was just starting his shift and was the most cheerful person I've ever met, he really reassured us and despite the fact that things weren't going to plan I was perfectly calm. They decided to take a blood sample from the baby's head to check that he (we'd decided he must be a boy as he was causing trouble) wasn't in any distress. The blood results came back okay and when I was examined again at 05:30 I was 8-9 cm so they decided to leave me until 07:30 as long as the baby's heart rate was okay. We tried various positions and the midwives kept a close eye on the monitor until then.
At 07:30 I was examined again and was FINALLY fully dilated and the midwives changed over - I got two midwives at this point, one who was just coming back from a long break and getting back into the swing of things. Eventually I was given the go ahead to start pushing around 08:00. They usually give you a couple of hours for the baby to move down but they decided to get going straight away given the baby's heart rate dropping with each contraction. I sat on the edge of the bed to push and I felt like I was doing really well, the midwives were certainly happy with how I was doing and kind of just left me to it. However, the contractions slowed down to every 10 minutes and even with the drip being constantly turned up they didn't increase. The baby was also facing upwards which they said would make it harder.
Eventually, somewhere before 09:00 a decision was made to go to theatre and try to turn the baby and assist delivery with forceps. If that didn't work they would proceed to a Caesarean section so the epidural needed to be topped up to fully numb everything. The new Anaesthetist (with two assistants) came and explained everything and then got the epidural topped up before we headed round to theatre. Ant was taken away to get into some scrubs and I was wheeled into theatre. It took a good half hour before the epidural had actually kicked in properly - the Anaesthetist kept telling me I shouldn't be able to feel him touching my legs and I could still lift them up and down - which we are sure is all down to my EDS. Whilst they were waiting for it to kick in they needed to get a larger cannula in in case I ended up needing extra fluids or blood. As I had been rehydrated overnight they expected that this would be quite easy but alas it took all three Anaesthetists and another 5 attempts to get a larger cannula in (they very kindly used local anaesthetic for each attempt). I remember repeatedly asking for Ant and being told he wasn't there yet - apparently the poor guy had been left in a room and just assumed that I'd had to have a general anaesthetic and he'd missed the birth.
Honestly, it was all a bit of a blur. There were three Anaesthetists, a Registrar, two midwives, a Consultant, Ant and possible a Maternity Care Assistant or two all around me, I couldn't even tell you what the room looked like! Finally the epidural was working, Ant was by my side, the cannula was in place and we were ready to go...
By this time the baby had come right down, turned himself around and the contractions had sped up. The Registrar performed an episiotomy, attached the forceps and told me to give a couple of pushes to see what happened - apparently my pushing was more than adequate as he came out pretty much in one motion at 09:54. The Consultant then told me that the forceps were probably unnecessary - such a shame they didn't give me chance to try pushing again with him being in a better position. He cried instantly and Ant told me that he was, in fact, a little boy. Ant cut the cord and I remember being completely overwhelmed. He was placed on my chest for skin to skin and I just held him close, kissed him repeatedly and cried.
I was then told that my placenta was coming away and it needed to be manually removed, which I consented to. I assumed this was done with some sort of tool but according to Ant the doctor basically just put her entire arm inside and pulled it out! I ended up losing quite a lot of blood and the doctor started to sound quite worried but, as it turned out, it was only 800 ml so not enough to need a transfusion but enough to class as a postpartum haemorrhage. I remember this happening but I don't remember feeling panicked at any point and I don't think I started to feel ill either - honestly I was just so enamoured with my baby boy that I couldn't even think about anything else. She stitched me up and I was wheeled around to recovery.
In recovery the midwives filled in the paperwork whilst Ant and I just stared in awe at our beautiful little boy. I had some water and a couple of biscuits (the first thing I'd eaten in well over 24 hours) which was amazing. We tried breastfeeding but our baby, who had no name at this point, wasn't ready. We were taken up to the ward around 11:00 I think and it was brilliant - we were in a four-bed room but we were the only people in there for quite some time so it was nice and quiet. At 13:30 he took his first feed and it was incredible. I'm so lucky that he took to feeding so well as I know a lot of people have problems. My dad had driven down from Manchester the night before and stayed with family so he visited at around 14:00 and he helped me to top and tail the baby, who had done a GIANT poo, and get him dressed whilst Ant went to speak to his dad and stepmum (who ended up missing the birth after a whole night in the labour room with us). They then swapped out with my dad so they could meet their grandson.
After everyone had left at 16:00 I had my bloods done and was very anaemic so I was started on some iron (and some pretty nice painkillers). I was still bleeding quite heavily but that was to be expected. At our hospital, partners are allowed to stay overnight (which is a recent development) so I sent Ant home around 16:30 to get some food and some rest before we tackled our first night as parents.
I should mention at this point that I was still just in my hospital gown and basically lying on a puppy training pad where all the blood was collected. I think they'd wedged a pad between my legs too, I can't really remember. A wonderful Maternity Care Assistant came and helped me get myself sorted out and, honestly, she was worth her weight in gold. It doesn't matter how much dignity you lose through IVF and labour, it's still a little weird not being able to wipe your own mess up! She helped me get cleaned up and into some clean pants and a pad (and then a second lot when I got blood all over the first lot trying to get them on). She then helped me get up and into a chair and brought the baby round so he was within arm's reach. My dinner then arrived and, just at that moment, the baby needing feeding and I got totally overwhelmed and rang Ant to get him to come back. The poor guy had only had about 30 minutes sleep and half a meal because he was so tired he forgot to put the other half on his plate but he dutifully returned straight away, by which time I'd managed to feed the baby and get some shepherd's pie into myself... it was the tastiest shepherd's pie I've ever had but that might just have been because I was starving! At some point during the afternoon, the midwife from the day before visited and had nothing to say other than "So, how long did you manage to last before you had the epidural then?" in a stupidly judgy tone. Honestly, she was vile.
Visiting time was 18:00-20:00 so Ant's step-brother and his wife came to visit. My catheter was removed around 19:00 and then our visitors kindly kept an eye on our little bubs (and had lots of cuddles) while Ant helped me to have a shower. For some reason I hadn't packed shower gel because my idiot brain thought it would be like a hotel and would have some on the wall! At around 20:00, just after our visitors left I started bleeding more heavily and managed to do my first little wee. I'd been kept on fluids from 20:00 the previous night until about 18:00 that evening but due to the dehydration and blood loss there still wasn't much going into my bladder.
Overnight we tried to get some sleep and baby fed every few hours. He didn't really want to be in his crib between feeds so I'd feed him for half an hour or so then Ant would settle him for a bit then we'd swap and we basically just repeated that pattern all night. To be honest, although I was exhausted I didn't want to close my eyes and stop looking at him! Both baby and I were still on four-hourly observations, which typically didn't coincide with the feeds so sleep was very, very limited but the ward was beautifully quiet. At around 2:30 I passed what looked like a large blood clot which it was eventually confirmed was a retained piece of placenta, which was surprising considering my placenta had been removed manually. The baby's observations were stopped around this point as the midwife was happy with him but mine were continued. I did manage to pass reasonable amounts of urine overnight which made them far less concerned. Looking back, I was seriously dehydrated for a long time and lost a lot of blood (a fair amount during labour and quite a bit throughout the following 24 hours) but I don't remember ever feeling poorly or anything, but maybe that's because I'm used to feeling wobbly and a bit rubbish with the EDS!
Eventually, by around 07:00 the next day the baby was finally settled peacefully in his cot so I left him and Ant sleeping and went for some breakfast. I actually ended up having breakfast with a lady I used to work with who'd had her baby a few days previous but he was 5 weeks early and still having a little trouble feeding so they were still being kept under observation. It was nice to see a friendly face - we were also joined by a pregnant girl who was having a complicated pregnancy and had been an inpatient for a while. When I got back Ant and baby both woke up so they had some cuddles while I had a shower and got myself dressed.
At some point during the morning the Consultant who followed me up during pregnancy (and who I knew from my previous job) came to visit me and see how we had got on. At 08:15 the midwife decided she was happy with my observations and they were discontinued. At 09:15 the baby had his newborn hearing check, which he passed with flying colours and then various bits and bobs of paperwork had to be completed. We had a few checks on how we were getting on with feeding, both from midwives and from the Breastfeeding Support Volunteers - I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of support available. We had to watch a video about not shaking babies and sign a form to say we'd watched it! Later on that morning baby had his newborn check, the doctor visited me and gave us the all clear to go home once my stitches had been checked. We had some lunch, got the baby changed and bundled into his car seat and headed home, chaperoned by Ant's parents. I remember insisting on being the one who carried him to the car - I'd carried him into the hospital and I wanted to carry him out - but I definitely underestimated how far it was and how knackered I was. I managed it though!
Ant's brother was at our house, having been looking after the cats for us and we all had a bit of a catch up. Ant and his dad got the pushchair and the bouncer set up and then everyone left us alone to have some peace and quiet - we should have gone to sleep but we only had one episode of Stranger Things (season two) left so we watched that and settled into our new life as a family of three!
I've only JUST got round to writing this up and Oscar is now 19 months old so I'm sure it's a bit sketchy (I made notes a few days after I had him but they were quite vague. The more I think about it now, the more I'm quite unhappy with my birth - particularly because I feel like I was failed by the first midwife and things would have gone very differently if I'd had more support and been sent down to the labour ward for pain relief and fluids when I should have been instead of her insisting I wasn't in labour. Next time, and I really hope there is a next time, I will know how to be a better advocate for myself and Ant will also know more of what to expect and what we are within our rights to ask for. All in all though, I was relatively unscathed (aside from the major bruising to my arms, the collapsed veins and the slightly unnecessary episiotomy) and have a healthy baby so I can't complain too much!
Wednesday, 5 June 2019
19 month update
Weight: He hasn't been weighed for a little while but he seems to be growing nicely. - I'd estimate he's somewhere between 10.5 kg and 11 kg.
Health: Things didn't improve massively on the ranitidine after two weeks so the GP increased it to the maximum dose. That really improved things and he no longer sounds really chesty after meals. He has vomited a couple of times but nothing drastic. We saw the GP again yesterday and he's suggested that we keep it at that dose and keep him on the Piriton too (as he keeps waking up unable to breathe through his nose during the night). So he's now having both regularly and will continue to do so until we see the Paediatrician at the end of July. Otherwise he's doing pretty well and now the reflux is under control we are due to start the milk ladder in the next couple of weeks.
Sleep: Things aren't great at the moment, we are having a lot of very early wake ups. However, he is now fully night weaned. He hasn't had any milk at night for over a week now - he's been having a bottle of almond milk around 4 am which we will need to get rid of in the next few months but one thing at a time. He has one feed now, during his bedtime routine and we are planning to stop that over the weekend and then he'll be fully weaned. Hopefully now he's back on the Piriton his sleep will improve somewhat but he had a dose last night and was still up before 5:30 so I'm not too optimistic.
Development: He's at such a wonderful age and surprises us with something new every day - the other day he dipped the bubble blower into a bottle of bubbles and actually managed to blow the bubbles! His communication is really coming along - he has a large number of signs now (please, thank you, more, again, help, hat, bag, drink, milk, water, eat, change, bath, medicine) and he can make animal noises (dog, cat, pig, owl, snake, lion, sheep, goat, cow, horse, dinosaur [along with raising his arms in a scary way] - he will do the sign for quack when he sees a duck, bang his chest for a gorilla, snap for a crocodile and flap his arms for a chicken). He's starting to say more words although not many of them actually sound like works. He says mama, daddy, owl, badger, hoover, go, yeah, no, bath, digger and papa (for Grandpapa) relatively well and the rest are coming along. His climbing is really coming along and he can get up steps and slide down on climbing frames at the park now. He can also climb onto the sofa by himself. He's really helping with dressing and undressing and is having a good go at getting his shoes on by himself. He's developed lovely pretend play (feeding and giving drinks to his toys, pretending to be on the phone etc). He can drink reasonably well from an open cup now. He loves scribbling and is pretty good at using a spoon and a fork. He always insists on tidying before bed and understands what goes with what i.e. blocks go in the bag, books go on the shelf. My grandma bought him a toy hoover last week and he hasn't played with anything else since! He can point out at least 50 different things in books when I name them so his understanding is far better than his speech. He did start holding his nappy and whining to us when he was pooping so we thought he might be ready for toilet training but it only happened for a few days and then stopped so obviously just a fluke.
Likes/Dislikes: He is very much an outdoor toddler and would be out there all the time if he could. He loves helping with chores - hoovering, tidying, putting shopping away, sweeping etc. He really enjoys books and likes pointing out things and listening to what they are - we read at least ten a day. He really doesn't like being unable to do things for himself, fiercely independent as ever! He's developed a fear of animals recently - he likes them in pictures or videos but he was very scared of them at the farm the other day and he seems to be scared of the cats too - when they come in to the room he asks me to make them go.
Nursery: He's getting on really well at nursery although he's not eating much there either. They're pleased with his development and he's very happy there. I realised the other day that when he naps there he doesn't even have a dummy because we don't send one!
Me: My course is going really well and I passed my first assignment with flying colours. I'm just writing my second one now.
I'm not sure if it's a hormonal things because I'm weaning Oscar or if it's just because he's growing up but I've been incredibly broody lately. I can't stop thinking about being pregnant again, having another baby and expanding the family. I'm also just generally thinking a lot about the future, Ant's gym being set up, moving to a bigger house one day... all dreams for now.
I've cancelled my gym membership to save some money as, by the end of the year/beginning of next year, Ant should have his own studio so I can train there for free. I've had some horrible health problems this month - I had an episode of mastitis that very nearly turned into sepsis and I ended up in the surgical assessment unit overnight as they thought it had turned into an abscess that needed draining. I don't think I've ever felt quite so poorly, it was incredibly unpleasant.
We've reapplied for universal credit again after finding out that I shouldn't need to work full time for it. It also means I won't have to do overtime (as that would take me over the threshold) so we can have more family time and focus on the house. We are absolutely skint right now, aside from our savings, so I've been feeling pretty low but we can get through anything together :)
Health: Things didn't improve massively on the ranitidine after two weeks so the GP increased it to the maximum dose. That really improved things and he no longer sounds really chesty after meals. He has vomited a couple of times but nothing drastic. We saw the GP again yesterday and he's suggested that we keep it at that dose and keep him on the Piriton too (as he keeps waking up unable to breathe through his nose during the night). So he's now having both regularly and will continue to do so until we see the Paediatrician at the end of July. Otherwise he's doing pretty well and now the reflux is under control we are due to start the milk ladder in the next couple of weeks.
Sleep: Things aren't great at the moment, we are having a lot of very early wake ups. However, he is now fully night weaned. He hasn't had any milk at night for over a week now - he's been having a bottle of almond milk around 4 am which we will need to get rid of in the next few months but one thing at a time. He has one feed now, during his bedtime routine and we are planning to stop that over the weekend and then he'll be fully weaned. Hopefully now he's back on the Piriton his sleep will improve somewhat but he had a dose last night and was still up before 5:30 so I'm not too optimistic.
Development: He's at such a wonderful age and surprises us with something new every day - the other day he dipped the bubble blower into a bottle of bubbles and actually managed to blow the bubbles! His communication is really coming along - he has a large number of signs now (please, thank you, more, again, help, hat, bag, drink, milk, water, eat, change, bath, medicine) and he can make animal noises (dog, cat, pig, owl, snake, lion, sheep, goat, cow, horse, dinosaur [along with raising his arms in a scary way] - he will do the sign for quack when he sees a duck, bang his chest for a gorilla, snap for a crocodile and flap his arms for a chicken). He's starting to say more words although not many of them actually sound like works. He says mama, daddy, owl, badger, hoover, go, yeah, no, bath, digger and papa (for Grandpapa) relatively well and the rest are coming along. His climbing is really coming along and he can get up steps and slide down on climbing frames at the park now. He can also climb onto the sofa by himself. He's really helping with dressing and undressing and is having a good go at getting his shoes on by himself. He's developed lovely pretend play (feeding and giving drinks to his toys, pretending to be on the phone etc). He can drink reasonably well from an open cup now. He loves scribbling and is pretty good at using a spoon and a fork. He always insists on tidying before bed and understands what goes with what i.e. blocks go in the bag, books go on the shelf. My grandma bought him a toy hoover last week and he hasn't played with anything else since! He can point out at least 50 different things in books when I name them so his understanding is far better than his speech. He did start holding his nappy and whining to us when he was pooping so we thought he might be ready for toilet training but it only happened for a few days and then stopped so obviously just a fluke.
Likes/Dislikes: He is very much an outdoor toddler and would be out there all the time if he could. He loves helping with chores - hoovering, tidying, putting shopping away, sweeping etc. He really enjoys books and likes pointing out things and listening to what they are - we read at least ten a day. He really doesn't like being unable to do things for himself, fiercely independent as ever! He's developed a fear of animals recently - he likes them in pictures or videos but he was very scared of them at the farm the other day and he seems to be scared of the cats too - when they come in to the room he asks me to make them go.
Nursery: He's getting on really well at nursery although he's not eating much there either. They're pleased with his development and he's very happy there. I realised the other day that when he naps there he doesn't even have a dummy because we don't send one!
Me: My course is going really well and I passed my first assignment with flying colours. I'm just writing my second one now.
I'm not sure if it's a hormonal things because I'm weaning Oscar or if it's just because he's growing up but I've been incredibly broody lately. I can't stop thinking about being pregnant again, having another baby and expanding the family. I'm also just generally thinking a lot about the future, Ant's gym being set up, moving to a bigger house one day... all dreams for now.
I've cancelled my gym membership to save some money as, by the end of the year/beginning of next year, Ant should have his own studio so I can train there for free. I've had some horrible health problems this month - I had an episode of mastitis that very nearly turned into sepsis and I ended up in the surgical assessment unit overnight as they thought it had turned into an abscess that needed draining. I don't think I've ever felt quite so poorly, it was incredibly unpleasant.
We've reapplied for universal credit again after finding out that I shouldn't need to work full time for it. It also means I won't have to do overtime (as that would take me over the threshold) so we can have more family time and focus on the house. We are absolutely skint right now, aside from our savings, so I've been feeling pretty low but we can get through anything together :)
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