Baby Update - 6 weeks old

Age:  6 weeks

Weight: He doesn't get weighed until tomorrow but I'll add it in once I have it.

Feeding: He still likes to eat every 2 hours during the day until we go to bed - often it's closer to an hour and a half if he's stayed awake.  Then he'll have a couple of 4 hours stints which usually means just one night feeding,around 3-4 am, although the last few nights there has been a few more mostly for comfort as he's really unsettled with what I think is reflux - I'm going to speak to the Health Visitor tomorrow.  He sometimes goes longer through the day if we're out and about as the pushchair/car send him to sleep.  We did have one night where he slept for a solid 8 hours and I woke up absolutely drowning in milk!

Sleep: He's been awake a lot during the day up until a couple of days ago but yesterday and today he's slept most of the day.  I'm putting that down to being more comfortable being upright in our arms or his bouncer and making up for lost sleep at night when he's unsettled in his crib - we've tried raising the head of it but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.  He sleeps better at night if he's face down on my chest but obviously that's not practical (nor entirely safe) so I avoid it as often as possible - sometimes it's the only option though.

Routine: Routine has gone out of the window this week due to some pretty heavy snow and a few really poor night's sleep but we're getting done what we need to.

Likes/dislikes:  He really likes his bouncer - he loves bouncing in it when he's awake and finds it really comfortable for sleeping in during the day.  He's a big fan of gripe water as well - he seems to love the taste of it - but more importantly it really helps with his wind.

Firsts:  We had our first meal out as a family - it involved some public breastfeeding and a super poop explosion but on the whole it was an enjoyable experience!  He also experienced snow for the first time and daddy built him a snowman!  He lay in his big boy cot watching his mobile for the first time too whilst I tidied up in the nursery.

Milestones: Sleeping through the night... just once!

Things we did: We went out for a meal.  We went to daddy's work and sat in the cafe for 30 minutes whilst he worked.  A lot of my dad's side of the family came over for my grandma's 85th birthday so OJ got to meet all of his aunties and uncles. My dad visited last night for the first time since OJ was about a week old which was lovely. 

Me: I've started actual workouts this week and it's great to be back to doing something - I'm a long way off powerlifting again but it's a start.  I've done my measurements and taken some progress photos so I'm ready to see what I can do.  I won't be bothering looking at my diet until after Christmas though!  I know I've lost a lot of muscle and gained fat as I weigh the same as I did pre-pregnancy but my waist is a 7 inches bigger!

5 weeks 1 day - I'll never poop alone again but he's so settled on the bathroom floor for some reason!

5 weeks 1 day - changing time would be a lot easier if he didn't do this every time I take my hands off him!

5 weeks 2 days - enjoying his mobile in his big boy cot!

5 weeks 3 days - fast asleep whilst we watched Elf but at least he was dressed for the occasion.

5 weeks 4 days - skin to skin snuggles after he peed all over himself, look at that chubby face!

5 weeks 5 days - fast asleep in his bouncer.

5 weeks 5 days - snuggled up cosy ready for shopping.

5 weeks 6 days - he always ends up on his side and loves sleeping with his hands over his face.

6 weeks in and 6 weeks out - I can't believe this tiny bunch of cells grew into my beautiful boy!

58.6 kg, 32 inch waist - ready to make some changes.

Baby Update - 5 weeks

Age:  5 weeks

Weight: We've been told not to get him weighed now until the Health Visitor visits in a couple of weeks so I'm not sure - however, I weighed myself yesterday (4 weeks 6 days) both holding him and without him then worked out the difference.  There was a 4.4 kg difference which equates to 9 lb 11 oz!  That would be an increase of over 1 lb in 9 days so I don't know how accurate it is but he's definitely putting on weight so I'm happy.

Feeding: Feeding is going really well - some days he has a lot more than others but it balances out over the week.  He did have one day last week where he only ate about half as much as normal and slept a lot but I think he must have just been tired or growing because he made up for it the next day!  I've started trying to get a few pumping sessions in when ALS is at home so that I can get a stash of breast milk frozen ready for occasions when I'm not around or for when I want a drink.

Sleep: In terms of night time sleeping I can't really complain.  He usually goes down after his feed around 11 pm and sleeps until 3 or 4 am then feeds every 2 hours after that with naps in between.  If I have things to do we get up after his 8-9 am feed, if not we might stay in bed (if he goes back to sleep) until his 10-11 am feed so I can catch up on some sleep too. In terms of daytime sleep he often doesn't have much at all.  It's not unusual for him to be awake from lunchtime right through to 8 pm with just the odd couple of short naps.

Routine: We're doing pretty well although I've probably stayed in bed late a few too many times this week!  We managed to go out by ourselves and do some Christmas shopping this week and I've managed to get plenty of stuff done around the house when ALS is home during the day or during the occasional nap.

Likes/dislikes:  He absolutely loves playing with his daddy and enjoys it when you pull faces and make silly noises at him.  He loves bath time but detests getting out!  He's not a fan of being still and constantly wriggles around. 

Firsts:  |He wore his first proper outfit that isn't a sleepsuit.  We had our first proper smiles the other day and plenty since - it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen.  We have our first proper Christmas tree up too (previously we've just had a little fibre optic one).  He also had his first "squad" meet up with the guys from the gym when we had them all round for a pizza party on Saturday night.  Oh and he's worn his first few Christmas outfits!

Milestones: Proper responsive smiles! :D

Things we did: We went Christmas shopping, we had a nice long power walk, we went out for lunch with a couple of our friends and daddy on Saturday followed by a pizza party with the guys from the gym.  We've also decorated the house for Christmas and mummy has even wrapped all her Christmas presents!

Me: Yesterday I did my first proper exercise since OJ was born.  I won't be cleared to lift weights or do anything too strenuous until 6 weeks postnatal (and my appointment has ended up being 8 weeks postnatal) but I turned my trip to Sainsbury's into a proper power walk.  It's about 4.5 km with some big hills and I managed to get there and back, including picking up a few bits of shopping, in around 50 minutes so I'm pretty proud of that.  Last time I did that walk was the day before I went into labour when I was trying to get things moving!

4 weeks 1 day old - tiny snuggles.

4 weeks 1 day old - "You lookin' at me?" 

4 weeks 1 day old - wearing his first Christmas outfit ready to decorate the tree.

4weeks 2 days old (1 month) - 1 month update with the bear

4 weeks 2 days old - first proper oufit.

4 weeks 2 days old - all tuckered out at the pizza party.

4 weeks 3 days old - bonding with Zeus cat.

4 weeks 3 days - first proper smile during bath time.

4 weeks 4 days - mesmerised by the Christmas tree whilst mummy wraps presents.

4 weeks 5 days - shopping with mummy (so many people stopped me to tell me how adorable he is).

4 weeks 6 days - sleeping like Superman!

5 weeks old - he was really grizzly and overtired, 2 seconds with his dummy in and he fell asleep like this!

Baby Update - 4 weeks

Age:  4 weeks

Weight: 8 lb 9 oz (weighed at 3 weeks 4 days)

Feeding: We are having a few issues with reflux leading to occasional cluster feeding and OJ being quite fidgety during a feed, sometimes he even throws up whilst on the breast.  However he's still putting weight on well so the Health Visitor isn't concerned.  We've introduced a dummy this week (mostly at night, but occasionally if we're out and about) and a few times he's actually managed to go 4-5 hours between feeds at night.

Sleep: Since we got the co-sleeper crib things have been a lot better.  It's really handy for me to be able to reach out and soothe him without having to get out of bed.  He's also sleeping better with a dummy although he is quite unsettled still on his back and usually around 5 am (after his last night time feed) it gets to the point where he won't settle at all - he doesn't cry, he just ends up coughing, spluttering, gagging and being sick so I tend to bring him into our bed at that point so that I can lie him face down on my chest or tuck him next to me on his side and this seems to help.  

Routine: We're getting on pretty well and even managed to get out the house by 10 am one day.  He tends to have a fussy period for a few hours in an evening which is a bit of a pain as it usually starts just as ALS goes to work - but as long as I've accepted that I'm not getting anything done during those few hours we're coping okay.  I did have a moment last night where he was crying and the only thing that would settle him was walking around with him but I was in too much pain so I had to sit down - this led to me crying as well because I felt bad for not being able to settle him and ended up giving him the dummy.  It was a momentary blip and ALS reassured me when he got home that I'd not failed just because I gave him a dummy.

Likes/dislikes:  He really loves tummy time and can hold himself upright on my breastfeeding cushion.  He likes getting out of the house for walks too.  He dislikes being laid on his back, even in your arms.  He's far too curious and likes to be looking around and seeing what's going on so prefers to be held upright.

Firsts:  We had our first meet up with a group of mums who go for walks - we even went for lunch with them afterwards.  This was my first meal out since having OJ and it was lovely!  As I've mentioned above he has his first dummy and we had our first solid 4 hour stint of sleep.  He's also started using a sleeping bag at night this week and he's much happier than with blankets because it means he can wriggle around.

Milestones: He's just about started smiling today - it seemed to be in response to his grandad, although it may still just be wind.  He can push himself up during tummy time when he's propped over a cushion as well.

Things we did: We went to another Christmas fair, we went for a couple of nice walks, we've been shopping a few times and we've had lots of visits from OJs grandparents (especially on ALS' side of the family).  

Me: I'm struggling with the fact that I'm 4 weeks post delivery and still in excessive pain if I'm standing or dawdling around (such as shopping or pottering around the house) for more than about 10 minutes.  The pain is like really severe bruising around my vagina but my scar has healed really well so I'm not sure where it's really coming from.  If I'm walking at a decent pace I don't seem to have the same issue which is weird.  My body is starting to get back to a normal shape again which I'm very happy with and I'm desperate to get back to some exercise once this pain goes away.  I was going to bring it up at my 6 week postnatal check with the GP but my surgery don't do one - they just check you over at your baby's 8 week check - so I'll have to wait another 4 weeks or make a specific appointment to be seen.

3 weeks 1 day old - morning cuddles.

3 weeks 2 days old - yawning away in his bouncer.

3 weeks 2 days old - fast asleep on his tummy on mummy's lap.

3 weeks 3 days old - snuggled up cosy at the Christmas fair.

3 weeks 3 days old - first time in his sleeping bag.

3 weeks 4 days old - holding himself up on his cushion during tummy time.

3 weeks 5 days old - mummy trying to capture a picture of her favourite expression.

3 weeks 6 days old - snuggled up with mummy after being unsettled for a while.

3 weeks 6 days old - fast asleep in the booth at the pub.

4 weeks old - 2 minutes before he fell asleep sucking on his dummy.

4 weeks postpartum - 57.5 kg.

Baby Update - 3 weeks

Age:  3 weeks

Weight: 8 lb (weighed at 2 weeks 5 days)

Feeding: OJ had his appointment with the GP today about his tongue tie and we've been referred to the hospital.  It seems to only be mild but the doctor couldn't get a good look as every time he put the tongue depressor in his mouth he just sucked on it!  He is feeding in a bit more of a pattern now.  He tends to have a long feed first thing in a morning (around 8-9) and then feed every 1-1.5 hours until early afternoon.  During the afternoon he'll go up to 3 hours between feeds and then feeds again every hour during the evening - but this means that at night he can go up to 3 hours which is great.

Sleep: He tends to be awake between his closer feeds in a morning and evening, sleeps well during the afternoon and then is a bit up and down at night.  If he falls asleep on me after a feed I can put him down but if I put him in his Moses basket awake he seems to be really unsupported by the mattress and ends up gagging, coughing and refluxing quite a lot.  We have ordered a co-sleeper cot which is more supportive, will last longer (he already seems to be a bit wide for his Moses basket and hits the sides a lot) and will mean we can put our bedroom back to normal as it fits on to the bed (I'm currently sleeping halfway down the bed to give me access to the Moses basket and ALS' side of the bed is pushed right up to the wall to keep the Moses basket away from the window). 

Routine: We've managed quite well with ALS on his first week back at full time work (some days this means he's out from 8 am until 8 pm).  We tend to just take each day as it comes.  In a morning I'll get up after his feed around 8-9 am, get him changed and dressed, go downstairs and get my own breakfast and then either feed him again or, if he's sleeping, I'll get myself washed and dressed.  The rest of the day entirely depends on what we're doing and whether we are in or out but I mostly use the time he sleeps in an afternoon to catch up on the washing or cleaning and I've been watching an inordinate amount of daytime TV during his waking hours.

Likes/dislikes:  He's started to really enjoy his baths this week and loves being held sitting up so that he can look around.  He's really not keen on his Moses basket and settles much better in the carry cot from his pram (it's a more supportive mattress and is a bit wider).

Firsts: We went out for our first trip in the car just the 2 of us and did a bit of Christmas shopping.  He's also grown out of his first size clothing (newborn - up to 7.5 lbs) - it fits around his body and arms but the legs are too short and he can't straighten his legs in them.

Milestones: He's holding his head up really well when he's sat upright and he's a lot more alert when he's awake.

Things we did: We went for a couple more walks, we did some Christmas shopping without daddy, we took him to his first weigh-in clinic, we got him registered as an official person and we've been to visit a couple of family members.  We also took OJ to his first Christmas event at the weekend (lights switch on) in the baby carrier and he was so snug and cosy!

Me: I'm trying to be better with my diet and I've been having the occasional treat but generally healthy snacks such as fruit or yoghurt.  I was 57 kg this morning and I'm more than happy with that.  I've been really struggling with constipation since OJ was born and the GP prescribed me some lactulose a week ago.  Unfortunately it's not helped at all so far and, as I also have horrible haemorrhoids, going to the toilet is horrendous right now.  I really sympathise with OJ when he starts crying whilst trying to poop!

2 weeks 1 day old - all fed, changed and happy with his bear.

2 weeks 1 day old - enjoying some tummy time.

2 weeks 2 days old - sitting in his cushion watching mummy have breakfast.

2 weeks 3 days old - first time actually enjoying his bath, he pretty much slept straight through it!

2 weeks 3 days old - fast asleep on daddy's shoulder.

2 weeks 3 days old - all this eating and pooping is tiring work.

2 weeks 5 days old - sleeping in mummy's spot whilst I watched over him because he would only settle on his side thanks to the reflux.

2 weeks 6 days old - posing on his favourite blanket in mummy's favourite Winnie-the-Pooh sleepsuit (that never lasts more than 10 minutes because he seems to enjoy vomiting on it).

2 weeks 6 days old - sitting on daddy's chest holding his own head up already!

3 weeks old - enjoying his bath whilst actually awake after a giant poop explosion that came out of the back, sides AND front of his nappy.

Baby Update - 2 weeks

(I've had this ready to post since last week when he turned 2 weeks old but we've been without internet for the last few days so I'm a bit late actually sharing it)

Age:  2 weeks

Weight: 7 lb 8.5 oz (weighed at 1 week 6 days)

Feeding: Feeding isn't really in much of a routine as yet.  Quite often OJ will only go 1.5 hours between feeds, sometimes only an hour!  However, he'll have odd periods during the day (often in the afternoon) where he'll sleep for 3-4 hours during feeds.  It's always wonderful when these longer gaps happen overnight but, other than one particular night, he's wanted to feed more regularly.  We are having a few issues with his latch, especially on the right side and sometimes it takes a while to get him comfortable.  It was mentioned by one of the midwives that he might have a slight tongue tie and, on consultation with the Health Visitor today, it was suggested that we get him in with the GP to check it over although it appears to be mild.

Sleep: Sleep has been up and down.  Some nights he'll go down between every feed and sleep for 1.5-3 hours, other times he'll be wide awake or end up with hiccups.  We are doing okay though and I'm just about getting enough.

Routine: As expected, our routine has changed quite a lot since ALS went back to work.  We are heading to bed around 11 pm, take it in turns occupying OJ whilst the other gets ready for bed and then ALS settles down for the night whilst I give OJ a final feed then put him down in his Moses basket once he's settled.  Fortunately he's been sleeping quite well in between feeds so, even though the feeds are sometimes only 1.5 hours apart, I'm getting a reasonable amount of sleep.  ALS, like myself, has always been somewhat of a restless sleeper so he'll often get up and give me a hand with nappy changes overnight - mostly because there's no chance of sleeping through them as OJ likes to make his disgust at having his clothes off known!  In a morning, if ALS isn't at work early we take it in turns occupying OJ whilst the other gets ready/has breakfast and we get OJ ready for the day together.  On the days where ALS has been at work early and I've not had anything to do I've been getting up a little later (if OJ goes down again after his 6-7 am feed).  I get him changed and dressed for the day then head downstairs and have my own breakfast.  At some point he'll have a feed and settle down, giving me enough time for a quick shower and to get myself ready.  

Likes/dislikes:  He loves tummy time and sucking on his (or your) fingers.  He's still very much not keen on having his clothes/nappy changed.

Firsts: I took OJ out for his first walk on my own on Tuesday whilst ALS was at work.  He's working reduced hours this week to ease me into being alone and then he's back to full time hours next week and it's been a godsend having a "practice week".  We also tried breastfeeding in public (Costa coffee).

Milestones: OJ had regained his birth weight by day 10 and has now surpassed it - we have therefore been discharged by the Community Midwife and are under the Health Visitor now.  I also had a night this week where I got 8 hours sleep (in a 3 hour stint, then a 2 hour stint and then another 3 hour stint) in between feeds which was phenomenal.

Things we did: We've had lots more visitors and been out for a few more walks.  We've done lots of shopping including a good long Christmas shopping trip on Saturday afternoon, trying to get some quality family time in before ALS went back to work.  We also got OJ registered with our GP Surgery and managed to get our living room/bedroom back into some kind of order after all the chaos of bringing him home last week.

Me:  My weight is up and down but I'm trying not to pay too much attention to it considering I can't exercise for another 4 weeks.  I'm constantly starving and being at home a lot doesn't help - the temptation to snack is just too much.  I have a feeling that by the time I can exercise, I'll have some weight to burn off!

8 days old and hatching some sort of dastardly plan!

8 days old and looking suspicious!

10 days old - snuggled up in his teddy bear bath towel, looking like a little Italian!

12 days old and I finally captured one of his favourite facial expressions.

13 days old enjoying his bouncer - although not for long, he struggles to hold himself up in it for now.

2 weeks old - the day of EIGHT outfit changes because he kept either vomiting or leaking on them and then I leaked breast milk all over one too!

Gorgeous cupcakes made by one of my cousins who came to visit this week - this wonderful lady also made our wedding cake and her cakes are absolutely divine.

Another fabulous present that OJ received this week - The Gruffalo story sack which contains the book, tape, soft toys, hand puppet, jigsaws and reading notes so it'll grow with him as he gets older.

Me at 2 weeks postpartum, I'm definitely shrinking back down to normal but it'll be a long time before I look like I did before.  I'm perfectly okay with that and I'm expecting to get bigger before I get smaller due to not being able to exercise.

Hospital Bag Essentials!

I spent hours poring over lists of what to pack and what not to pack in my hospital bag and eventually compiled my own list.  I had my bag packed from around 29 weeks (it can't hurt to be prepared, especially given that my sister-in-law had just given birth at 32 weeks and was completely unprepared) other than a few essentials such as phone chargers and my toothbrush that I would need in the interim.  I had a small suitcase for me and used the changing bag for OJ's stuff.

I won't post my entire list on here but I will give you a quick run down of what turned out to be absolutely essential and what ended up being completely unnecessary - obviously it depends on your experience of labour, how long you're in the hospital and various other things but this is what I found.

Absolute must-have items:

• Isotonic drinks (Lucozade/Powerade/Gatorade) - As you'll find out when I finally post my birth story, I spent a LOT of my time vomiting in labour.  Water was provided of course but I found that the isotonic drinks helped to give me something with a bit of flavour whilst hydrating me a little.  If nothing else it made a nice change throwing up something sweet rather than just bile.  Even if you're not sick they're great to give you a bit of a boost.
• Maternity pads (lots of them) - I put a whole pack of maternity pads in my bag and I STILL ran out.  I'd prepared to need them after birth for the bleeding but I hadn't taken into consideration that my waters had gone before I even left for the hospital and they continued to leak all day.  I soaked through the whole pack of maternity pads before I even made it to the delivery suite and had to send ALS to the shop to get some more.  After the birth I experienced pretty heavy bleeding and got through another half a pack in the 24 hours before we came home.  I was given a maternity pad when I came out of theatre but when we were on the ward we were informed that they would not be able to provide any and ALS would have to go and buy some for me - a lot of people I've spoken to said hospitals provided them so it's just something to be aware of.
• Slippers - I never wear slippers so I bought a pair specifically for the hospital and they came in so handy.  I didn't want to be walking around in my shoes but barefoot was definitely not an option.  A pair of comfy slippers was a godsend and I've been wearing them non-stop since I got home.  The first few days I was home I had so much swelling they were the only thing I could fit my feet in!
• Plenty of spare clothes/nightwear - Again this depends on your experience but I spent quite a bit of time on the ward before I was in "established labour" and taken to the delivery suite.  During those 10 hours or so I was fully clothed the whole time and soaked through pretty much all the clothes I'd taken with me thanks to my waters leaking (even with pads on).  Admittedly if I hadn't been vomiting I don't think my waters would have been leaking so forcefully through the pads but it can't hurt to be prepared.  I spent most of my time in hospital in a gown but I still got through a lot of clothes before we made it to that point.
• Shower gel - This was something that I didn't think to take for some reason! I'd just put "toiletries" on my list and never thought to pick it up when I packed my toiletries the morning I went into hospital.  I was so grateful to be able to have a shower a few hours after delivery and felt a lot better just for washing myself with water, but it would have been nice to feel properly clean!
• Snacks - Whilst I didn't eat any of the snacks we brought with us (in fact I didn't eat anything at all for the duration of the labour) and the hospital food turned out to be very nice, it was definitely useful for ALS having plenty of snacks to keep his energy up.  By the time OJ was born we'd been awake for well over 24 hours and the hospital do not provide food for partners.  Our midwife in the delivery suite was very nice and brought ALS a few cups of coffee but for the times we were on the antenatal/postnatal ward he wasn't offered so much as a glass of water, so it was really helpful that we had packed plenty of drinks and snacks for him and meant he didn't have to leave me to get himself food.
• Baby wipes - Surprisingly, these aren't for baby.  They like you to clean your baby with cotton wool and water as it is perfectly gentle on that fragile newborn skin and that's exactly what we did.  However, baby wipes are a useful tool in any bag for any trip anywhere.  Even before becoming a parent I always carried a pack of baby wipes and they were great for freshening up before I was allowed to get up and have a shower.

Items taking up space unnecessarily:

• Birthing ball - This is again a bit of an individual one but I was adamant I wanted to take my birthing ball with me.  Firstly, the hospital had plenty of birthing balls that I could have used so packing mine (along with the pump) really was a waste of space.  Secondly, I insisted ALS blew up my birthing ball when I was starting to have regular contractions and then used it for all of 5 seconds before declaring that there was no way of getting comfortable with it - that is entirely my personal experience and had I not been vomiting so hard it may have been different.
• Entertainment - I packed my iPod, a book and a puzzle book to keep me entertained in early labour or after the baby was born.  In my case, the contractions kicked in strongly very quickly and between them and the vomiting I didn't even have chance to think about needing entertainment.  Once I'd had the epidural I did actually get the puzzle book out but it was hard to get into a comfortable position to write in it and quite frankly I was too busy talking to the midwife, having observations done, talking to my birth partners and trying to catch up on a little sleep.  Once OJ was born I had no desire to do anything other than spend time with him and ALS and just enjoy every second of it.
• Swimwear - I didn't actually get to use the birthing pool but, even if I had, I can categorically confirm I would have just headed in there naked - the midwives need to be able to see what is going on and trying to change clothes between contractions is just hard work.  I know some women are easily embarrassed or feel uncomfortable but I was perfectly comfortable with everything on display most of the time. 
• Disposable maternity pants - I thought these would be really useful but the ones I bought, although they were size "small" were massive and wouldn't hold the maternity pads in place which ended up with a lot of blood going everywhere.  In hindsight someone did mention that it may have been worth putting them on and putting a normal pair of pants on top which might have been worth a try but honestly I was more comfortable just in dark pants with good solid maternity pads.
• Dummies - If you're breastfeeding they will advise that you don't give your baby a dummy for at least 4 weeks so as to get feeding established beforehand.  We hadn't actually planned on using a dummy as early as the hospital but it's worth noting that the recommendation was to avoid them so early on.

So there you have it, my essentials and the things that I wouldn't bother with next time.  It's all personal preference and entirely depends on the kind of experience you have - for example, if you were waiting for a planned Caesarean or being induced then entertainment could be far more necessary.

What did you pack in your hospital bag that turned out to be invaluable?  Did you find you had a lot of bits and bobs that you were wondering why you'd bothered packing them?

Baby Blues?

Our wonderful little boy is 11 days old today and ALS has gone back to work. The hardest time for me when I'm feeling upset or emotional about anything is night time when it's dark, I'm alone with my thoughts and there is nobody to distract me. This brings me to where I am right now; curled up on the sofa, holding my baby tight and trying not to let my tears land on his face. I'm hoping that by writing down some of my feelings I can straighten my head out but this post may feel really jumbled to anyone reading it.

Basically I'm overwhelmed by how much love I have for this tiny human and the thought of him growing up and not being my baby forever is devastating to me. Out is a thought I struggled with even during pregnancy, just seeing how fast the time was going and almost wishing I could be pregnant longer because I was scared of him growing up before he was even here!

Most of the time when these thoughts sneak into my head I manage to dismiss them and try to look forward to the future - seeing him develop a personality, watching him reach his milestones and all the fun things we will do together - but sometimes I just cannot shake them and I end up sitting in tears. I've waited for so long to be a mum and I can't believe it's finally happening but it's already whizzing by and the thought of missing even a moment is heartbreaking. Even just going in the bath and leaving him downstairs with ALS is hard and I spend the whole time missing him.

Maybe these feelings stem from the fact that I'm very aware he may be my only child and I may not get to experience this again - I'm even wishing I could have a second chance at labour. But then I feel guilty for even wanting another child because I don't want to replace this feeling of love for him, I just want it to last longer.

I'm hoping this is just the hormones and baby blues and isn't going to turn into full blown depression. I've been known to have depression before and my mum had severe postnatal depression so I'll be keeping a close eye on it. I'm hoping that isn't the case as I have had no trouble bonding with him or dealing with day ti day parenting and I am managing to eat and sleep okay (when he lets me).

The thought of going back to work is filling me with dread even though it's almost a year away but hopefully, as he will be older, I'll feel a bit happier that he's okay being away from me.

I just want to cuddle him and stare at him forever - when he looks up into my face and stares at me it absolutely melts my heart and overwhelms me.  I know it wouldn't be practical to have a newborn forever and I know he's got his own life to live and I'll be so proud of all the things he does, but it doesn't stop me wanting to freeze time and snuggle him forever.

How did you feel about your newborns getting bigger and older? Were you excited to watch them grow or reluctant to let go of the tiny vulnerable bundle of poop and snuggles?