Baby Blues?

Our wonderful little boy is 11 days old today and ALS has gone back to work. The hardest time for me when I'm feeling upset or emotional about anything is night time when it's dark, I'm alone with my thoughts and there is nobody to distract me. This brings me to where I am right now; curled up on the sofa, holding my baby tight and trying not to let my tears land on his face. I'm hoping that by writing down some of my feelings I can straighten my head out but this post may feel really jumbled to anyone reading it.

Basically I'm overwhelmed by how much love I have for this tiny human and the thought of him growing up and not being my baby forever is devastating to me. Out is a thought I struggled with even during pregnancy, just seeing how fast the time was going and almost wishing I could be pregnant longer because I was scared of him growing up before he was even here!

Most of the time when these thoughts sneak into my head I manage to dismiss them and try to look forward to the future - seeing him develop a personality, watching him reach his milestones and all the fun things we will do together - but sometimes I just cannot shake them and I end up sitting in tears. I've waited for so long to be a mum and I can't believe it's finally happening but it's already whizzing by and the thought of missing even a moment is heartbreaking. Even just going in the bath and leaving him downstairs with ALS is hard and I spend the whole time missing him.

Maybe these feelings stem from the fact that I'm very aware he may be my only child and I may not get to experience this again - I'm even wishing I could have a second chance at labour. But then I feel guilty for even wanting another child because I don't want to replace this feeling of love for him, I just want it to last longer.

I'm hoping this is just the hormones and baby blues and isn't going to turn into full blown depression. I've been known to have depression before and my mum had severe postnatal depression so I'll be keeping a close eye on it. I'm hoping that isn't the case as I have had no trouble bonding with him or dealing with day ti day parenting and I am managing to eat and sleep okay (when he lets me).

The thought of going back to work is filling me with dread even though it's almost a year away but hopefully, as he will be older, I'll feel a bit happier that he's okay being away from me.

I just want to cuddle him and stare at him forever - when he looks up into my face and stares at me it absolutely melts my heart and overwhelms me.  I know it wouldn't be practical to have a newborn forever and I know he's got his own life to live and I'll be so proud of all the things he does, but it doesn't stop me wanting to freeze time and snuggle him forever.

How did you feel about your newborns getting bigger and older? Were you excited to watch them grow or reluctant to let go of the tiny vulnerable bundle of poop and snuggles?