The Night Before...

Tomorrow things change forever.  Tomorrow we either embark on the final stage of our journey to become a family of four or we accept that we have to stay a family of three for the foreseeable future.  I'm leaning heavily towards the latter.

The last nine days has been hard going.  I was already pessimistic because of being ill the weekend before the transfer, being ill immediately before the transfer, the complications with the ultrasound and then the flea infestation however, as the week has gone on, I've just had more and more of a gut feeling that it just hasn't worked.  

Over the weekend I felt a bit rubbish again and the last two nights I've felt so sick, my stomach has been upset and I've had chills or hot sweats.  It's all the hormones so I'll be glad to see the back of them at least.  On Saturday I had a moment of madness.  I found a pregnancy test in the drawer from last time.  It expired in April 2018 but I took it anyway, not because I thought it would be positive but because I thought seeing the negative might make it sink in a bit.  It didn't help.  I just told myself it was an expired test, it was only five days post-transfer, it would never have been positive.

We had another one leftover so I decided to do it this morning, to prepare myself for tomorrow.  Another stark negative.  I knew it would be.  Part of me keeps thinking that maybe it's because it was expired, maybe it really is still too early.  Last time I got a positive at 9 days but my HCG was REALLY high so maybe it wouldn't detect it now anyway.  But deep down I know. 

Part of me thinks that I'm prepared and that I'm going to cope fine because I'm expecting it to have failed and I have that gut feeling.  Part of me thinks I'm going to be absolutely floored because I think I can cope and I might not be expecting the emotions.  I really don't know how I'll react.  It'll be the first time I'm making the call too, Ant did it the last two times as I was at work.  In just 17 hours I should know, although a big part of me already does.

When the first transfer failed I was gutted but I had the knowledge that we could try again, we could keep trying.  This time, I might have to accept that that's it.  Even if it's not, we have to start over.  We have to find a LOT of money.  It will take time.  There's no guarantee that it will be successful either.  We still have COVID to contend with.  It's a lot of stress on my body.  Theoretically it should be easier this time because I already have Oscar.  I have a child, everything I ever dreamed of.  It's selfish of me to want more, it's cruel of me to feel like one isn't enough.  But in a way having Oscar makes it even harder because I know what I'm missing out on.  Being his mum has been the hardest thing I've ever done, there have been days I've cried and felt like a failure but it has been the most amazing experience, full of laughter and joy.  I've grown so much as a person and watching him grown and learn makes my heart feel like it could explode every single day.  

More than that though, I really want to give him a sibling.  I really think he needs one.  I struggled growing up as an only child, it was lonely and I didn't have a lot of friends especially in my teenage years.  However, I had my cousin.  We lived close, we spent a lot of time as a family and we were the only ones without siblings.  Oscar won't have that.  He has one cousin and one on the way from Ant's stepbrother but we don't see them often and they will have each other.  He probably won't have any from Ant's brother as he doesn't want children.  Maybe he'll be a social butterfly and flourish as an only child.  Maybe he will get a sibling but they won't get on.  But my biggest fear is that the age gap will prevent them from being as close as they could be because we will have to wait to try again.  The likelihood is that Oscar will be at least 5 by the time we have another baby IF we get to do it.  That's almost the same gap as Ant and his brother and they are close now but during childhood they were always at different stages so it was hard for them to connect.  

On the bright side I did learn today that I don't have to go to the drive through blood testing which opens at 9 and I can actually go to the main hospital attached to the fertility clinic which opens at 7:30, so I can get it out of the way and be back in time to do some work while Ant takes Oscar swimming hopefully.  Then just the agonising wait until 2 PM when we get the results.  I'll probably need to post to let my feelings out but it may be a few days before I find the words...