A Resounding No!

 This time last year I had essentially the worst week of my life.  Oscar got a stomach bug, passed it on to Ant who ended up in hospital and then passed it on to me then I recovered for a day, got sick again, missed our first IVF appointment for the new cycle and in the midst of all that my mum had another episode, ending up being sectioned and my grandparents yelled at me for making it worse because I calmly told her that I wasn't happy that she had lied to me.  It was hell.  I scream-cried in my car for like 20 minutes while Oscar was napping (after a battle to get him to sleep).  

This week hasn't exactly been much better.  We found out that the IVF hadn't worked which didn't come as a huge surprise - the best of three clearly didn't swing in our favour.  Naturally I was upset but actually within a couple of hours I'd snapped out of it and we were planning our next steps.  We have a debrief appointment on 20 October to consolidate the cycle and decide where we go from here.  

Generally people have been great.  My friend, who came to London with me, came over on Thursday evening when I was feeling crappy and Oscar was being a challenge.  My work colleagues have been great and obviously Ant has been amazing.  Plenty of people have suggested that "we are lucky to have Oscar and at least we have him" and whilst they are well meaning it just makes me feel guilty for being sad that it didn't work.  Obviously I do feel that way but it doesn't mean I wouldn't like more and it doesn't help to be reminded of it.  However, today I told my mum and grandparents and I was gobsmacked by their reaction. 

My grandma essentially just said, "I told you she wouldn't tell us if they were doing it again", my mum basically said nothing and my grandad said that he was sorry a couple of times but that was it.  Not one of them asked if I was okay (physically or mentally).  I don't know if they didn't comprehend how much it cost us or what I'd physically been through over the last two months but even so you'd think they'd understand that I would be upset.  Honestly I'm furious, apparently 26 September is just the day I get let down by my grandparents.  Fortunately Ant wasn't there as he was working so at least he didn't have to experience it as I can't imagine how angry he would have been!

The Night Before...

Tomorrow things change forever.  Tomorrow we either embark on the final stage of our journey to become a family of four or we accept that we have to stay a family of three for the foreseeable future.  I'm leaning heavily towards the latter.

The last nine days has been hard going.  I was already pessimistic because of being ill the weekend before the transfer, being ill immediately before the transfer, the complications with the ultrasound and then the flea infestation however, as the week has gone on, I've just had more and more of a gut feeling that it just hasn't worked.  

Over the weekend I felt a bit rubbish again and the last two nights I've felt so sick, my stomach has been upset and I've had chills or hot sweats.  It's all the hormones so I'll be glad to see the back of them at least.  On Saturday I had a moment of madness.  I found a pregnancy test in the drawer from last time.  It expired in April 2018 but I took it anyway, not because I thought it would be positive but because I thought seeing the negative might make it sink in a bit.  It didn't help.  I just told myself it was an expired test, it was only five days post-transfer, it would never have been positive.

We had another one leftover so I decided to do it this morning, to prepare myself for tomorrow.  Another stark negative.  I knew it would be.  Part of me keeps thinking that maybe it's because it was expired, maybe it really is still too early.  Last time I got a positive at 9 days but my HCG was REALLY high so maybe it wouldn't detect it now anyway.  But deep down I know. 

Part of me thinks that I'm prepared and that I'm going to cope fine because I'm expecting it to have failed and I have that gut feeling.  Part of me thinks I'm going to be absolutely floored because I think I can cope and I might not be expecting the emotions.  I really don't know how I'll react.  It'll be the first time I'm making the call too, Ant did it the last two times as I was at work.  In just 17 hours I should know, although a big part of me already does.

When the first transfer failed I was gutted but I had the knowledge that we could try again, we could keep trying.  This time, I might have to accept that that's it.  Even if it's not, we have to start over.  We have to find a LOT of money.  It will take time.  There's no guarantee that it will be successful either.  We still have COVID to contend with.  It's a lot of stress on my body.  Theoretically it should be easier this time because I already have Oscar.  I have a child, everything I ever dreamed of.  It's selfish of me to want more, it's cruel of me to feel like one isn't enough.  But in a way having Oscar makes it even harder because I know what I'm missing out on.  Being his mum has been the hardest thing I've ever done, there have been days I've cried and felt like a failure but it has been the most amazing experience, full of laughter and joy.  I've grown so much as a person and watching him grown and learn makes my heart feel like it could explode every single day.  

More than that though, I really want to give him a sibling.  I really think he needs one.  I struggled growing up as an only child, it was lonely and I didn't have a lot of friends especially in my teenage years.  However, I had my cousin.  We lived close, we spent a lot of time as a family and we were the only ones without siblings.  Oscar won't have that.  He has one cousin and one on the way from Ant's stepbrother but we don't see them often and they will have each other.  He probably won't have any from Ant's brother as he doesn't want children.  Maybe he'll be a social butterfly and flourish as an only child.  Maybe he will get a sibling but they won't get on.  But my biggest fear is that the age gap will prevent them from being as close as they could be because we will have to wait to try again.  The likelihood is that Oscar will be at least 5 by the time we have another baby IF we get to do it.  That's almost the same gap as Ant and his brother and they are close now but during childhood they were always at different stages so it was hard for them to connect.  

On the bright side I did learn today that I don't have to go to the drive through blood testing which opens at 9 and I can actually go to the main hospital attached to the fertility clinic which opens at 7:30, so I can get it out of the way and be back in time to do some work while Ant takes Oscar swimming hopefully.  Then just the agonising wait until 2 PM when we get the results.  I'll probably need to post to let my feelings out but it may be a few days before I find the words...

Community Paediatrician

 As if we didn't have enough going on this week, we had our first telephone appointment with the Community Paediatrician this week.  She was lovely!  Ant took Oscar out for a walk so I could focus on the consultation and we were on the phone for just over an hour in the end.

I'm not going to go into great detail about symptoms etc because I've done that previously and will continue to do I'm sure.  Instead I'll just give an overview of the conversation.

The doctor basically asked why we had been referred and what our concerns were.  She asked questions about my pregnancy, birth history, family history, Oscar's medical history, specific areas of concern and then asked about things that would raise concern to her - sensory issues, eating, sleep, development, language, social interaction etc.

She agreed that he sounds developmentally age-appropriate but a little behind with his social interaction and particularly in understanding the subtleties of language and communication such as not understanding my tone when he's doing something inappropriate or thinking someone passing him in the street will take the ball he's carrying even when they aren't looking at him.  She suggested that this could be a delay in social communication or it could be a sign of autism.

We spent quite a lot of time discussing sensory issues including the throwing which I now think may be a type of proprioceptive stimming. She agreed with me that diagnosis wasn't the entire issue here as, even if she turns around and says he isn't autistic, we still have the sensory issues and behaviour to deal with.  It won't just go away.  I'm glad she appreciated that because so often diagnosis is the be all and end all and you get no support without a diagnosis or just get a diagnosis and then get sent on your way. 

From here we have to await a speech and language review which will be done at nursery with us present and then the Community Paediatrician will see us face-to-face, hopefully before the end of the year but I won't hold my breath.  She's sending me some information to self-refer to a sensory course run by Occupational Therapists but isn't sure if it will be running at the moment with COVID.  She suggested we set up a calming sensory area in the house for Oscar, with something like an aquarium.  I'm not sure how much money/space she thinks we have but it is something we are thinking about ideas for and I'll update once we make any progress with it.  

So that's where we are at for now... it gave us a lot to think about and honestly it was just nice to feel heard and to know that we aren't bad parents, we aren't doing anything wrong and we aren't making it all up.  There are clearly difficulties that he has and that we should really be able to help him with so I'm hopeful that we can make his life easier.

Transfer #3: The Final Embryo

Two days ago, on Monday 14 September, I headed down to London accompanied by one of my closest friends for our embryo transfer.  Our final little frostie.  Potentially our last chance.  Obviously, as expected, it was not quite straightforward but our little one is snuggled up back where it belongs and that is what is important. 

I was pretty ill over the weekend with an upset stomach and spent most of Saturday night clutching a bowl feeling sick, having diarrhoea and feeling faint to the point that I just lay on the bathroom floor from about 2:30-6 AM and got no sleep.  I took it easy on Sunday but still didn't feel 100% by Monday and I'd lost 1.5 kg in the previous four days.

We were due to get the 07:56 train from Derby and (due to her husband getting up late) we had to run to the platform and made it onto the train with 26 seconds to spare.  Great start to the day but, as we made it, we had a good laugh about it and settled into the journey.  I was quite anxious, nausea and just generally felt a bit crappy on the way down there but felt much better once we got off the train into the fresh air.  We got an Uber straight to the hospital and then had a bit of time to kill so we walked to Tesco, grabbed some food and then sat on a bench and chilled.  I started drinking about 10:30 (my appointment was 11:30 and needed a full bladder).  

I had a 500 ml bottle of Lucozade with my food and then at 11:00 I went up to the ACU.  I made the mistake of walking the 11 flights of stairs and almost killed myself.  I then drank another 2 litres of water whilst I was waiting and was taken in for my appointment around 12:00.  About this point I realised that I may have been dehydrated from the weekend and the liquid was just being used rather than going to my bladder, I saw my veins fill up as I was sitting there.  I told the woman who took me through that I was unsure if my bladder was full as I'd had over 2.5 litres and I didn't even feel like I needed to pee.  I signed the forms, assumed the position (with serious hip cramp) and inevitably my bladder was basically empty so they shipped me off to a recovery room with just a table and chairs to drink another 1.5 litres at least.  

I downed another 2 litres in the space of about 15 minutes and then felt very queasy.  I tried to keep drinking and as the woman came back to get me I told her I felt sick.  She just about got a bowl to me in time and I threw up three times, insane amounts of liquid, well over a litre altogether.  However, once I'd sorted myself out, they decided my bladder was indeed full enough and the transfer took place.  That in itself was a bit of a nightmare.  The woman doing the ultrasound couldn't get it in the right place and the doctor had to keep taking it off her.  Honestly I was starting to worry she was going to blow the whole procedure but the doctor was amazing and little embryo #3 ended up in perfect position apparently!

I met back up with my friend and we got an Uber straight back to the station, grabbed some McDonald's chips (IVF tradition) and then headed back to the train.  We chatted on the way home and I was definitely far more relaxed (aside from needing a wee most of the way back).  We shall just have to wait and see what happens now.  I'm actually not posting this until 5dp5dt so I'll do a separate post about how I'm feeling now!

Almost Time!

 So week 4 of the IVF meds brought nothing new.  My appetite returned a bit but I've still had some stomach issues - this weekend particularly has been really hard.  I've not been able to eat without having cramps and diarrhoea within an hour afterwards.  Touch wood, today I've felt a bit better so hopefully it was just a blip.

I had my scan last Tuesday but my lining was still only 6 mm and they asked to see me again on Saturday.  Typically Saturday was the least convenient day as my in-laws were away for the weekend and Ant had to take the morning off work so I could go to Sheffield.  Fortunately, my lining was 8.5 mm so they were happy to proceed with transfer.  I asked if I could have seven days' notice to be able to get free train tickets (my business mentor works for the train company).  The lovely nurse, Trish, in Sheffield said she would tell Guy's to make it for the following Monday or Tuesday which would give me nine or ten days.  She asked me to ring back in the afternoon when they would have heard back from Guy's.  However, I wasn't sure my medication liquid would last me as long as I needed, especially if they decided on Tuesday so I had to wait for a prescription.  It took the pharmacy an hour and a half to get the prescription ready so I was just doing laps around the outside of the hospital waiting in the cold - the car park has no signal so I couldn't wait for the call there.

Eventually I got home but when I rang that afternoon they hadn't heard from Guy's so they told me to ring back today (Monday).  Honestly, I was stressed out.  I'm a compulsive planner and the worst part of IVF for me is the constant not knowing.  I was absolutely furious with Guy's for not bothering to get back to the nurses at Sheffield but I tolerated it. 

Today I rang at 14:00 as planned and they still hadn't received a response so they asked me to call back again half an hour later.  I did, although it took me until around 14:50 to get through and then they STILL hadn't heard back from Guy's.  The nurse was super apologetic and handed it over to her superior to chase up for me.  She asked me to ring back at 15:30.  Again I rang back and she still hadn't heard from them but they had emailed Guy's again.  I explained the train situation and she apologised again.  However, she rang back less than ten minutes later to say that my transfer was booked for 11:30 on Monday 14th September!  She told me she wanted to let me know as soon as possible so I could get my tickets and thanks to my brilliant mentor I now have free travel to London!

I'd been stressing about the whole situation but my best friend had taken it all out of my hands.  I asked her months ago to come with me as we knew it would be less stressful if Ant was taking care of Oscar rather than faffing with childcare. Obviously COVID changed things a little but she promised to still come if she was able (by law) and when I wasn't sure I'd be able to get the train tickets I told her I couldn't take her.  I couldn't ask her to shell out for a ticket but couldn't afford to pay for two.  She immediately started planning routes, avoiding the tube, offered to drive me and all sorts.  She really has been a lifesaver and as it happens we have managed to get the train tickets so we can sit back and relax.  It's just a shame that she won't be allowed in the actual transfer as that would have made it much more worth it for her but she doesn't seem to mind at all.  She's a wonderful friend!

I'm actually finishing this post two days later than I started it so I did my last injection last night and started my pessaries today.  I'm finding a little bit more energy, managed a short workout last night and did a 5.5 km walk with Oscar in the pushchair at naptime today.  Here's hoping it lasts and I'm in good shape for the transfer!