Time for another?

Bear with me, this is going to be long.
I always wanted around a 2 year gap between babies but obviously with the need for IVF and wanting to breastfeed that was never going to be reasonably practicable and actually, given how challenging Oscar has been, I'm glad that's turned out to be the case.  If we could have tried naturally we might, in a moment of madness, have already ended up conceiving and I don't think that would have worked for any of us.  I never wanted a big gap between my children but I'm open to a slightly bigger gap that I was previously.  I'd really like them within 4 years though, I think any more just puts them at completely different stages of life all the time and, until adulthood, they might find it hard to be close.  Obviously they might not get on regardless of the age gap but I want to give them the best chance possible.

So, our original plan was always to have our baby and then use our frozen embryo to make a roughly 2-3 year gap.  I wanted to breastfeed for the first 12 months, wean and get started again when Oscar was around 14-15 months.  We figured it would be around a 6 month process, plus 9 months of pregnancy which would lead to a sibling being born when Oscar was 2.5 years old.  Obviously this was all very vague but in my head I thought we might transfer again at the back end of 2019 or very early 2020, leading to a sibling before Oscar turned 3.  Obviously this all relies on our frozen embryo actually sticking, another reason I want to get started early in case we have to go down other routes.

As it has turned out we have had a few complications:

We found out recently that, instead of around £1000, we are looking at around £2500 (£650 for Sheffield's costs, £1400 for London's costs and £400 for medication) - fortunately we have savings to cover this and we may be able to knock it down as Sheffield and London are only doing certain parts and those costs are for full embryo replacement cycles, but it was a bit of a bummer.
We found out that we couldn't even start the referral process until I had finished breastfeeding and my periods had returned, which meant a slightly longer wait.
Oscar has only just weaned from the breast, just after he turned 19 months.
There's around a 3+ month waiting list just for referral.

I spoke to our IVF Nurse recently who informed me of the process and costs.  Basically, we can have the fertility tests and referral on the NHS and then once we see the Consultant to get the process started we pay the fees (in full).  So she told me that once I'd stopped breastfeeding and my periods had returned I should go to my GP and ask for the referral.  She said they might be kind enough to arrange the blood tests in advance which saves a bit of time as they have to be done throughout the cycle.

Fortunately, my periods returned within 5 days of him weaning so last Wednesday (19 June) I went to see the GP to ask for a referral.  I was seen by the GP who is the Senior Partner for the practice.  He's an older, slightly eccentric gentleman whom I've never met before and, my goodness, it was not a productive exercise.  I expected this to be the simple bit but, as is often the case with IVF, it was not.  He basically told me that it was his understanding that, as I have a live child, the NHS won't touch me so all he could do was make a private referral (although I could self-refer anyway if that was the case).  He did say that he might be willing to do some very basic blood tests for me if I clarified exactly what they were.  I explained that my nurse had told me to ask for the referral and that the blood tests were basic day 2 and day 21 fertility tests.  Apparently that wasn't clarification enough so I showed him the email from her explaining the referral process.  That STILL wasn't enough so he sent me away to speak to her again and find out exactly what the blood tests were (as a senior GP I figured he'd know, even I knew that it was day 2 LH/FSH and day 21 progesterone, which I said, but I didn't want to miss anything) and send an email to the surgery for his attention so he could provide me with the blood form.  He basically said that he wouldn't/couldn't make the referral and that was that.

The following day I emailed our nurse who, as usual, was absolutely fabulous.  She assured me that we were eligible for the tests and referral on the NHS, as it is quite common practice for them.  She detailed the blood tests that were needed and got back to me within less than 48 hours.  She said she was looking forward to seeing us again, offered to help in any way that she could with the GP and provided details of their business unit so he could speak to them if he was unhappy with the process.

So on Monday (24 June) I emailed the GP surgery, for this particular doctor's attention, and asked him to get back to me with regards to the referral and the blood test request form.  Needless to say I haven't heard anything yet (26 June).  I did have the delight of speaking to him for almost 10 minutes on the phone this morning, regarding Oscar's reflux, where he was JUST as unhelpful but that's a whole other story.

Anyway - this whole thing has left me feeling a little deflated.  Since I've stopped breastfeeding Oscar, presumably due to hormones, I am incredibly broody.  It doesn't help that one of my best friends is pregnant, although it kind of does help because I can live vicariously through her.  She went through 4 years of trying to get pregnant too and has a little IVF baby growing inside her so I'm 100% happy for her and genuinely not jealous.  But it doesn't stop me wanting to get things moving.  In my head, the timeline from here will be a little like this:

Referral made by end of July.
Appointment for October/November, blood tests done in meantime.
Baseline scan and appointment with Consultant in December/January.
Start treatment February/March.
Transfer April/May.
IF successful, baby due late 2020/early 2021.
By that timeline, we would be looking at around 18 months from now before any baby was born and only actually around 9 months from now for me to be pregnant again which, when I phrase it like that, doesn't sound so bad.  I'm not desperate to have another baby right now and we have lots of other stuff going on, but I really would love to be pregnant again sometime soon, certainly before this time next year.  I really don't want a Christmas baby which could well be a possibility if my timeline is correct.  Potentially, it could all happen quicker and we could be looking at transfer earlier in 2020 (I think this year is definitely off the cards).  However, I am also very aware that it could take longer.  It could be more of a summer transfer, with any baby due spring 2020. 

Also, this is ALL very hypothetical.  We could go through this whole process and not end up with a baby, or even a pregnancy.  Six months ago I would have told you that I was entirely happy with Oscar and, whilst I would like another one, I wouldn't be devastated if it didn't happen.  However, I have settled into motherhood a lot more in the last six months and by the time any potential baby comes Oscar will be much older and, hopefully, much less demanding.  He will also be in free nursery hours so any baby can have lots of one-to-one time with me, which Oscar had the benefit of, so I think this is actually reasonably good timing.  More importantly, we have become very aware that if we don't have any more children, Oscar may be very isolated.  I'm quite isolated, I don't have many friends and I have no siblings.  Ant has a brother and two step-brothers - his brother isn't likely to have children any time soon and we don't see his step-brothers regularly, although one of them does have a little boy only 4 months older than Oscar.  We will have our friend's baby for Oscar to grow up with and hopefully he'll be better at making friends at school that we were, but it would still be nice for him to have someone else, someone who is always there.

The above point is especially important as the chance of him having high-functioning autism is quite high.  I am currently on a (very long, 15 months to be exact) waiting list to be assessed for autism having scored 40/50 on their preliminary test, with a score of 26+ making you eligible for assessment.  Ant has also done the same assessment and scored 40, although in different areas, and will be applying to the waiting list soon too.  Given that there's a high chance of us both being autistic, poor Oscar doesn't really stand much chance.  He's certainly not going to be severely autistic, unless something changes drastically, but it would be no surprise to us if he struggles to make friends.

I wasn't going to write about this for a while yet.  I often don't have time to sit and write blog posts or to even gather my thoughts so, as much as I felt I ought to document it, I was going to at least wait until we had a referral in place.  However, I found out earlier that my ex-boyfriend and his wife are expecting their second child.  They have a son who is about a month younger than Oscar and it just really, really hurt.  Partly because I'm a little bitter at his happiness knowing full well he treats her just as badly as he treated me but mostly because they, and most people, don't have to worry about this stuff.  They just decided "let's have another" and then it happened.  We have a very different experience to those who have fertility issues and I'm not saying that our situation is worse than theirs, it isn't.  However, we have never had the option of even trying naturally, I've never tracked my ovulation, I've never taken a pregnancy test and eagerly awaited the results.  We have had to plan every single step of the way - in some ways, compared to those with fertility issues, it's a luxury.  They don't get to plan, they have endless disappointments and their outcome is about the same as ours.  BUT I know a fair few people who had IVF for their first, which boosted their fertility and then they got pregnant naturally the second time, often by surprise.  That isn't even an option for us.  I'm not saying I would rather have fertility issues, I wouldn't.  I like to plan and I couldn't handle the endless disappoints.  I think the real bummer here is that this all might not even be necessary.  If Ant doesn't have the gene, then this is unnecessary, which is going to be a real kick in the teeth if we end up not being able to have a second child.  Similarly to the above issue, I don't wish we'd had him tested instead.  Sure, if it was a negative result then it would make our lives SO much easier but if it was positive, that would be awful for our mental health and not something that we want to have to consider at this point in time.  So we are somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If this cycle fails, I don't know what we do.  I'm almost reluctant to start it because, while that embryo remains frozen, we have hope.  We currently have the possibility of trying for another child and can dream about it.  If this cycle fails, that's pretty much it and I don't think I can accept that.  So then we try again... we end up in a lot of debt... we maybe still don't conceive... we end up with a very big age gap between our children.  Here's hoping they find a cure for HD so we can get Ant tested and have a postive outcome whatever the result.  Yes, if it's positive we would still need IVF to continue (even with a cure we wouldn't want to put that on one child and not another, it wouldn't be fair) but if it was negative we could try naturally and, if it's later than planned, so what.  We have no particular love of travelling, we are very family oriented and if Oscar's a teenager by then we have a ready made babysitter.  I'm open to the possibility of expanding our family much later on and I will forever remain hopeful.  To be honest, by the time Oscar and any other child are teenagers I'll probably have hit broody again so, if trying naturally is an option, I might go for it - I haven't discussed this with Ant though!  We've talked about fostering so maybe we'd do that instead, who knows. 

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and I've achieved that.  Having Oscar has fulfilled that need and means I don't really "need" another child.  But in some ways it has made me want another one so much more because this journey has been so incredible and watching him learn makes my heart fill with more love than I ever thought possible.

Anyway, that's a big, long update on things at the moment because I REALLY needed to vent.  Ciao!


Update - I wrote this post on 26 June but due to internet issues it didn't get posted.  However, today (4 July) I rang the GP to ask about the email I'd sent.  Turns out it hadn't even been passed on to the GP.  They apologised and said he was now on holiday so they'd had to get someone else to look at it - which might actually work in my favour!  They said they'd put it in front of someone this afternoon for them to get back to me tomorrow so I remain hopeful... if my maths is correct I'll need to get the first blood test done next Wednesday so we shall see how it goes!

20 months

Weight:  He hasn't been weighed for a little while but he seems to be getting a little chunky - not in a bad way, just filling out a bit!

Health:  Things haven't been great to be honest.  We started the milk ladder with half a malted milk biscuit on a couple of days running - his sleep went to pot, he vomited a few times and his reflux got worse.  However, we're now thinking it might be coincidence as that was over three weeks ago and his reflux is still bad.  He's not really been sicky but he sounds really chesty after he eats or drinks.  He's had a really bad bout of hayfever or another cold this week, we aren't sure but I'm really suffering with hayfever so it wouldn't surprise me if that was the culprit.  He's now fully weaned from the breast (and has been for four weeks) so I'm back on dairy but he's back to being fully dairy free.  His behaviour has been a bit up and down since he weaned and I'm not sure if it's because he's feeling rubbish or just because he's not got milk as a way of calming down (I wrote a full post about it yesterday).  I did ring the GP last week about his reflux but I got an older, less caring GP who basically said he'd grow out of it and that was it!  I'm wondering if he's maybe outgrown his ranitidine dose but it shouldn't be such a drastic difference so I'm really not sure.  We are seeing the Paediatrician on 30 July so will save all my questions for them!  Obviously I always worry that it's EDS-related but he doesn't seem obviously hypermobile so hopefully not.

Sleep:  Bedtime is generally pretty smooth and we've shuffled it back to closer to 7 pm instead of 6 pm in the hope that he might sleep later in a morning, no such luck so far!  He's still waking very early but it's hard to tell why as he's had a cold/hayfever/cough for the last week or so which has been disturbing him, along with his reflux making things worse.  He's now having two bottles of milk (watered down) during the night, one around midnight and one around 4-5 am but he often doesn't go back to sleep after the second one which is exhausting for everyone involved.  I'm going to see how things go once his cold has gone (if it's a cold) and then get in touch with our Sleep Consultant to ask about timings etc.  He's midway through another developmental leap too so it wouldn't surprise me if that's had an impact.  

Development:  Every day is something new!  Today he surprised me again - we were reading a story from a collection storybook and when we'd finished Oscar started pointing at the book and blowing kisses.  He wanted to read another story from the book about kisses which we've only ever read once or twice and not for a couple of months!  His memory is impeccable which does cause us some little difficulties because he never forgets anything - for example, if you say no to something he won't just drop it, he'll ask again an hour later, a day later, a week later etc.  It will be a big asset for him when he gets older though!  He cottons on to things so quickly; I've started counting to three to warn him about things and try to get him to do things when he's asked so now, if I ask him to do or not do something he holds his finger up and goes "daa" (he can't say one yet).  He's learning new words everyday, today's was "robot" and he picks up signs really quickly now too - he's even been teaching the staff at nursery.  He's getting better at communicating his wants and needs to us, whether verbally or otherwise.  He can build towers with wooden blocks, up to around six at a time and is getting better at balancing them.  He's basically running everywhere now and kicks a ball by swinging his leg rather than walking into it.  He generally tells us when he's done a poo so we're thinking about toilet training in the next few months but ideally he'll tell us before he does it before we start.  He's getting better at using gentle hands with people, animals and books although he's still likely to smack/headbutt/grab my face if he's overexcited or doesn't get his way.  We are going to start introducing a time out zone and see how that goes.  He's coming on amazingly with his swimming - he can hold onto the side independently, kicks his legs, climbs out with a little help, supports himself with two woggles to float around the pool, jumps in from sitting and generally participates well.

Likes/Dislikes:  He had his first time on a ride at a fair this weekend and LOVED it, so much so that he spent the next hour asking to go back on it and making a beeline for it!  He really loves being outdoors, exploring anywhere and everywhere.  Breaded fish is easily his favourite food and one of the few things that I can consistently get him to eat, he's pretty picky nowadays but we're getting by.  He isn't keen on loud noises such as strimmers, motorbikes, dogs barking but he is slowly getting used to them with a lot of support.  He loves taking selfies, brushing his teeth, playing in water and books too.

Nursery:  He's still barely eating at nursery, although they said he's doing pretty well with his fruit lately.  They're really impressed with his signing and they take him into the pre-school garden to play outside because he's too advanced for the baby garden now.  

Me:  My course is going well and I've passed my second assignment (after some minor alterations).  I'm getting stuck in with my third now.

Universal Credit STILL isn't in place but we're managing and we've cut corners wherever possible.

I've been physically struggling and generally exhausted since weaning Oscar.  I'm not sure if it's a hormonal thing, a hayfever thing or because I've been eating a lot of dairy, I'm going to give it another few weeks and if it doesn't improve I'll cut the dairy down again.  It could also be because I'm not very physically active so I'm going to try and start getting some exercise again.  I've been trying to take regular vitamins to see if that helps.  I had a filling the other day on a tooth that didn't hurt and now it hurts when I bite down so I'm going to have to go back and see them about that.  I've also got my first hand therapy appointment this week.  

Both Ant and I decided to self-refer to be assessed for autism.  The first step was a questionnaire whereby if you scored more than 26/50 you warrant an assessment.  We both scored 40, although on different questions.  I've sent mine off and am on a waiting list but it's a FIFTEEN month waiting list so nothing will happen any time soon.  

We are starting the process to have a second child but it's not going to be very quick - I've drafted a full post about it which I'll post soon!

Bad Behaviour?

Since the beginning of the year I've really felt like I've "settled in" to parenting.  I have a break from Oscar on my working days and Ant works hard to ensure I get lie ins wherever possible as I do the night shifts.  I was starting to really enjoy my time alone with Oscar, especially as the weather improved and we could get out more.  Now he's a little bit older he can engage more with play and activities, his attention span is a little longer, he can entertain himself reasonably well for short periods and his communication is coming along, all of which made it easier spending long periods of time alone with him.

However, in the last month (since I stopped breastfeeding) I've really noticed a shift in my mood, his behaviour and how I'm finding parenting.  He seems to be a little more aggressive (sometimes because he's tired or overexcited) and more demanding - now he can ask for what he wants it frustrates him when he doesn't get it.  Here are a few examples of his current behaviour:

• He asks for Baby Shark, I let him listen to it a couple of times then tell him that's enough and it's going away.  He gets very upset/angry and tantrums for a short while then repeatedly asks again/tries to get my phone to get me to put it on.  He then asks continuously throughout the day, each time with a meltdown when I say no.
• We went to a fair and let him go on a ride.  He spent the following hour asking to go on the same ride again, could not be distracted by anything else and every time we put him down to have a run around he ran straight back in that direction, even from the opposite side of the fair.
• He throws his food, sometimes even the food he wants to eat.  We have a place on the table for him to put food that he doesn't want, so he doesn't have to keep it on his tray, and this did work well for a while.  However, now he's just gone back to chucking it on the floor and then either saying "gone" or pointing at the table where he should put it.
• He throws EVERYTHING.  If you tell him he can't play with something and try to take it off him, he throws it, usually hitting me and hurting me!  If he's done with something, he throws it.  It's excessive.
• When he gets angry or overexcited he gets aggressive - he tries to smack, grabs/pinches your face, head butts.  He's pretty good at using gentle hands when he's reminded though and is more likely to head bang against an inanimate object than hurt someone else.

Now, most of these things are within the realm of "normal toddler behaviour" and he's by no means a majorly difficult child.  However, when I'm tired and in pain it all gets a lot harder.  If I'm struggling in a morning I let him have the TV on more, which inevitably leads to him being more difficult in the afternoon.  He's struggling with worsening reflux, teething and going through a developmental leap at the moment so I'm not entirely surprised by any of his behaviour and I'm sure it's just a phase but I'm finding it hard.  I think part of it is that he relied quite heavily on breastfeeding to calm himself down and he's yet to learn other ways of doing so, especially as he isn't keen on cuddles.

What's worse is that I know I'm part of the problem.  I can be inconsistent with behaviour management and sometimes I overreact.  Suffering from chronic pain makes me overly sensitive to acute pain so if he throws something at me or scratches me or whatever I tend to yelp or shout, not at him but in pain.  He then gets really upset and it's hard to address the issue because he's so upset.  I'm hoping this is all a hormonal thing from stopping breastfeeding and it will balance out once I can get myself back on the pill.  I'm also considering whether it could be related to the fact that I've put dairy back into my diet, maybe I have somewhat of a dairy intolerance too?  If sorting my hormones out doesn't help then that will be my next port of call.

Here's hoping things settle down again soon!