Hello AF

Yesterday, AF showed up after my failed transfer. Before I started taking the pill I had horrendously painful periods and I've experienced them on and off this year whilst having fertility tests etc. This period is different, it's way worse. I assumed the artificially thickened lining but either way it isn't fun. I expected heavy bleeding but so far that's not been too bad.

I dragged myself to work this morning but within an hour the cramps had me in agony and every time I moved I felt like I was going to throw up.  I spoke to my team leader who suggested I go home.

When I told one of the girls in the office I was leaving and that I felt horribly sick, she immediately said, "You're not pregnant, are you?".

Well, no. No I'm not. Exactly the opposite in fact. It upset me a little but I honestly felt way too sick to really notice. It sucks that people always jump to that question or ask when you're having kids or any other equally invasive question. I guess it's just another thing I have to get used to unless I want to explain my situation to everyone!

Thanks for playing, better luck next time.

I'm aware that I haven't actually posted about transfer or the two week wait but I've been incredibly busy - I do have a post mostly written and I'll post it later this week but matters have been overtaken.

I had my beta yesterday (100 mile round trip for a blood test) and then headed off to work.  We had to ring at 1:30pm for the results so I asked ALS to ring and let me know when I got home - I'm not mentally prepared to deal with stuff like that at work.  When he picked me up, I got in the car and he was looking quite sheepish, holding a sign that said "Pub?".  I knew exactly what it meant.  I shrugged, I choked back the tears and asked him to take me home.

It sucks.  It really sucks.  At least I have a definitive answer (my HCG level was < 1 so definitely not pregnant) but it wasn't the one I was hoping for.  I cried for a short while but then I picked myself up and headed to the gym.  Honestly, I did feel better for it.  I slept surprisingly well and then coped pretty well at work today,  We had a fuddle with the whole department at lunch today and whilst in the room with a load of people I'd never met, I crumbled.  I excused myself and went for a little cry.  I have no idea why. I can talk to people about it and be fine but I just wasn't ready for a big social group I guess - despite nobody knowing what was going on, aside from 2 of my close colleagues.  I'd guess that it's because I'd been having to keep myself sane for most of the day.  I work in a Maternity & Gynae Department at my local hospital.  This morning I had to deal with some stuff in the Fertility Unit, then I had to go to the Antenatal Clinic (full of pregnant ladies, of course), then I had to sort out the postnatal discharges (most of the notes have lovely pictures of baby scans in them).  It's not the ideal job - I dealt with it well today but it will only get harder with each failed cycle.

I've done a pretty good job of rationalising so far:

1.  I can now have a drink over Christmas.
2.  On days when I'm super tired, I can actually have caffeine.
3.  No more waxy, disgusting pantyliners from the stupid pessaries.
4.  We didn't expect this to work first time anyway.
5.  We deliberately started doing this whilst we're young because we knew it would take a long time.
6.  I don't have to explain to my mum that I'm pregnant (I don't care that I'm 24 years old, I'm still terrified of telling her)!
7.  I can now lift heavy weights at the gym again.
8.  It will happen when it's time.

What I have definitely learnt from this is that I am a LOT stronger than I give myself credit for.  ALS has told me that he's so proud of me and that I'm incredibly strong compared to when we first met each other.  He's definitely helped me to control my emotions and deal with things, rather than just either bottling up or crying at everything.

I'm expecting a few more days of random emotional moments, especially as all the hormones leave my system.  I'm expecting a horrendous period thanks to my extra thickened lining.  Then, I'm expecting life to go on.

We agreed to regroup, enjoy Christmas with our family and friends and then try again in the new year.  We have an appointment with our PGD Coordinator on 6th January to discuss starting a second FET cycle.  I'll probably be quite absent until then, what with all the Christmas festivities and all, but I'll keep you posted when anything IVF-related actually happens.

Also, I WILL get the transfer/2ww post up in the next couple of days!

En Route!

I'm writing this post on the train to London. Today is the day we transfer one of our 3 unaffected embryos.

I'm experiencing a mixture of feelings at the moment; excitement, nerves, curiosity.  I'm trying hard not to feel any of them.  I don't want to worry about it because stress is bad for conception. I don't want to be excited because then I'll be more upset if it doesn't work.

I'll do a full post about the experience later in the week. Wish us luck!