Ding Ding... Round 2!

Well… where do I start?

We finally had our appointment with the Consultant to get the IVF ball rolling on 5 November. Oscar stayed with Nana and Papa while we went to Sheffield and he had an absolute blast by all accounts. 

Essentially, it was a bit pointless Ant being there despite them having demanded he attended. The Consultant asked what our plans were, said he would like to get a baseline scan (which I had expected to be done at the appointment) and then would refer us to the fertility clinic. He did ask us what our plans were if this failed i.e. did we want to do another cycle and then checked my AMH (ovarian reserve) just in case that is something we decide to do. He did warn us that we wouldn’t be seen in the fertility clinic until the new year most likely but, as we weren’t wanting to get started until springtime, that wasn’t a problem for us and was something we had anticipated.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’ve received my appointment for the scan on 3 December. That should be a nice easy one as it’s on my day off anyway and I can go alone. However, we then received our appointment for the fertility clinic for the afternoon of 12 December. First thoughts were that it was a pleasant surprise to have received an appointment before Christmas but that it’s on my working day which makes it difficult for us to get there without me having a day off – either I have to leave work early enough to go back and pick Ant up or we have to take two cars. There’s also childcare as an issue because we knew Nana and Papa were at work that day. As it turns out, I’m actually on annual leave that day anyway because I’m going to a concert. Typically, the concert is in Sheffield. Now, initially that sounds perfect… appointment in Sheffield, hang around for concert. Except the appointment is with Ant and the concert is with a friend so my friend would have to get herself to Sheffield (and she’s due to give birth about two weeks before) and Ant would have to get himself home… starting to get less straightforward.

I moved the appointment to 19 December to avoid any stress and asked if Ant really needed to be there. Turns out he does, we have to sign and be witnessed signing the consent form to thaw the embryo. Therefore, we can’t do 19 December as we have no childcare. It definitely wasn’t this hard last time. Let me just add, I’m not the sort of person who requires childcare to get on with my daily tasks. If I have an appointment, I just take Oscar with me and I think it’s important that he learns how to behave in these situations. However, I’m not insensitive enough to roll up to a fertility clinic with a toddler – there are no rules against it but there is kind of an unspoken rule that you just don’t do it.

So that brings us to yesterday! The nurse had emailed me to let me know about the need for us both to attend and offered to move the appointment to the new year as we wouldn’t be able to start before Jan/Feb anyway due to Christmas closures. Fortunately, Nana and Papa were at our house at the time so we worked out a day that worked for all of us, meaning they could have Oscar while Ant and I had our appointment and it still leaves us plenty of time to aim for a spring cycle. So our appointment is now 8 January on one of my days off work – at least working part time is providing a little flexibility I guess. I’d love to say that the nurse is so accommodating because it’s going to be a privately funded cycle but, the truth is, she’s the same nurse we dealt with last time and she was always willing to move mountains to make our lives a little easier so I’m 100% grateful to have her on our team!

We know that the cycle is about five weeks (not including three weeks of pills first) so we are aiming to transfer somewhere between the end of April and middle of May which will give us a mid-Jan/mid-Feb 2021 due date if we are successful. We’ve put a LOT of thought into the timing as anything earlier would have meant risking missing our friends’ wedding in September 2020, then we could have tried to squeeze between that and Oscar’s birthday in November 2020 or between his birthday and Christmas but allowing for the fact that babies can be three weeks early or two weeks late (not including planning for an actual premature baby) it would all just have been too risky. We figure if we aim for mid-Jan at the earliest we should at least be clear for Christmas, although obviously there are never any guarantees.

Part of me is SUPER excited to get things moving but also terrified… if this fails then potentially that’s it and all hope is removed. The Consultant also mentioned at the appointment that because of my cycle being long he doesn’t think I ovulate – now, I remember this conversation happening last time and I think we checked and I just ovulate later in the cycle BUT it’s still a concern, just in case we did decide to get Ant tested and go down the route of trying naturally (assuming luck is in our favour and he doesn’t carry the gene). 

So right now things are a little bit up in the air but we are hopeful moving forward. I’ve gone back onto the pill which should hopefully bring some predictability back to my cycles and get my body ready for the treatment ahead. I’m a little concerned that last time I was in pretty good shape physically and had a LOT less stress in my life (no mentally ill mother to worry about, no sleep deprivation, no highly strung toddler, no financial issues… you get the picture) but I’ve got a few months to do what I can to give myself the best possible chance. Obviously, I’m currently eating a chocolate bar and drinking a can of full-sugar energy drink while typing this so maybe I should try harder but I’m FULL of cold and needed a boost!

24 months - TWO whole years!

Once again I'm terribly late writing this but this will be my last monthly Oscar update - they'll get a bit ad hoc now!

Weight:  I haven't had him weighed in a while but he seems to be growing.  He's finally gone into 18-24 month clothes, although we've had to go back to 12-18 month trousers as the bigger ones are just falling down!

Health:  We are really progressing well with the milk ladder - he managed step 1 of malted milks and step 2 of muffins with no issues (other than the fact that he demands biscuits and muffins now and refuses to eat at all when he doesn't get them).  We tried step 3 which includes cooked cheese such as sauces or pizza, custard, chocolate and yoghurts - he outright refused pizza but he has been having a little bit of custard over the last few days with seemingly no ill effects, time will tell.  Otherwise his health has been okay, although the query of autism is coming up more and more.  He gets overly fixated on things (at nursery he carries a doll around in each hand for the whole 5 hours he's there), he has major issues with food and throws everything, he likes to eat soil or stones, he often smacks or bites me especially if he's not seen me in a while and we had serious self-regulating issues when we tried to get rid of his dummy.  I plan to approach the GP next week to see what we can do - if nothing else I need some help with the food side of things.  He choked on a coin on his birthday and that was the last straw with everything going in his mouth!

Sleep:  His sleep isn't great at the moment - he's back to asking me to "stay" at night which is just too cute to refuse and he gets very upset if I don't oblige.  He has also had a few nights where he's really faffed about, last night it took an hour because he really wanted his Mad About Dinosaurs book (a current obsession) reading over and over again, then he said he needed a drink, then a wee, eventually he crashed and slept through bar one wake up for a couple of ounces of milk.  Most nights he wakes up once or twice, occasionally more.  He still tends to wake early although we have been putting him to bed no earlier than 7, sometimes as late as 8, and occasionally get lie ins until around 6:30.  It could be a bit of separation anxiety, stress from moving room at nursery (despite not being upset there at all), 2 year sleep regression or just because he's learning so much.

Development:  His speech has absolutely exploded in the last month - he's regularly putting two words together now such as "mama knee", "oh no", "all gone", "did it", "big digger" etc.  He asks for people by name now and his first proper name was "Maymee" for "Amy"!  He has great pretend play and feeds his baby or makes me cups of tea.  His physical development is coming on and he's starting to try to catch balls although rarely successful just yet.  He is doing really well at swimming (when he wants to participate) and blows bubbles, kicks, pushes off from the side, climbs onto and jumps off the float, holds on to the side and turns towards us, tries to monkey walk - he just is mostly grumpy as lessons are in afternoons so we are planning to move to a morning session. He's taking a real interest in numbers and can identify a fair few of them if he's focusing, the same with shapes.  Colours are slow to come but he seems to have got brown randomly!  He can pretty competently use a spoon and fork and is starting to use a knife with a little help - we haven't given him one at meals but he likes to use them with Play Doh or help to cut up his food.  He finishes the rhymes in his Mad About Dinosaurs book, saying the last word of "teeth" or "claws".  His memory is brilliant and he will tell me what he's done during the day when I get home from work.  He's just about tolerating a blanket at night and for the first time tonight he's actually using his duvet, although I'm sure it won't last!

Likes/Dislikes:  Food wise he seems to have found a love for baked beans, with cous cous still a firm favourite.  Night time crackers have been replaced by Cheerios for now but to be honest he loves any cereal.  His favourite TV show at the moment (much to my dismay) is Peppa Pig and he loves watching the songs from Moana on YouTube, along with a video called Here Comes a Digger.  Book wise he had a book from Emma for his birthday called Lost and Found which is about a penguin and he really likes it but his firm favourite is Mad About Dinosaurs - it has little rhymes about all different types of dinosaurs and he will ask for it to be read five or six times in a row!  His favourite toys are a plastic dinosaur that he had in a set for his birthday and has named "Big Roar" and his baby, which we bought him for his birthday after much controversy.  He loves pink things, again much controversy!  He still loves balls - throwing and kicking anything to be honest.  He likes feeding animals such as the ducks at the park and tries to get the cats to come to him, he is finally starting to be gentle with them too.  He really doesn't like shadows at the moment and is pretty scared of fireworks.  He doesn't like it if he's having a strop and you try to get toys out to distract him and he doesn't like spills e.g. if he spills something on him or if someone else has a wet patch on their clothes.  He isn't a giant fan of other children and actually spent most of a friend's little boy's birthday fending toddlers off with a toy chair!

Nursery:  He's moved up to the 2-3 year room at nursery this week and is absolutely loving it - he runs in without hesitation in a morning and can't wait to find his "baby".  I think he must feel a little insecure as he can't cope if he hasn't got a baby in each hand - at home he likes to take his baby everywhere but is happy to put her down while he's playing etc.  I'll be interested to see how he gets on with the more social side of things and whether they are noticing any autistic traits.

Me:  I did my fourth assignment amendments and it passed but I have barely started on the fifth - it's been such a busy month with work, Ant's business, Oscar's birthday, family stuff etc.  I did apply for a job yesterday at a school but I don't have the qualifications or experience so I'm not expecting to even hear back from them.  I'm really stressed about money, especially with Christmas coming up, but things could always be worse.

We had our IVF appointment on Tuesday and are set to be seen in the fertility clinic in the new year.  I've started back on the pill and I'm due to go for a scan in Sheffield on 3 December as the final part of the fertility checks.  Oddly he said from my blood tests that my long cycle might mean that I don't ovulate so would have struggled naturally but actually I think I remember last time him having to do extra blood tests that showed I just ovulate late - I'm pretty sure I ovulate!

23 months

I am SO late writing this, almost a whole week - oops!!

Weight:  I tried to get him weighed but the clinic was cancelled - I weighed him on our scales and he was 11.5 kg and then last week he was down to 11.1 kg (after being poorly).

Health:  We saw the dentist today and he confirmed that Oscar indeed has a full set of teeth before the age of 2!  He's been okay reflux wise.  We got to step 2 of the milk ladder - he tolerated full malted milk biscuits with no issues so we moved onto the next step.  We gave him three cheesy puffs and the next day he developed diarrhoea so we stopped... however he then got sick and then passed his symptoms onto Ant and then onto me so we don't think it was the dairy.  Otherwise things have been good.

Sleep:  He goes to sleep pretty well and happily waves me off at bedtime so he can settle alone.  He was sleeping pretty well, waking only once and sleeping until 6 or 7 am until he got poorly a couple of weeks ago.  He then started waking at 3 or 4 am and not going back to sleep.  He's slowly improving now and is getting up around 5-5:30 am but he's fidgety from around 3 and often has to have a snack to settle him down.  The dentist mentioned today that his teeth are starting to get misaligned so we're going to have to ditch the dummy ASAP which no doubt will have a major impact on his sleep for a while.

Development:  He's doing really well with his speech - he's still not quite stringing two words together but he can use lots of words in context and you can just about have a simple conversation with him.  He can communicate his point most of the time and is making a few more consonant sounds.  He's pretty good at undressing now and can remove trousers and long-sleeved tops by himself most of the time.  He was showing a real interest in the potty before he got poorly and today he sat on it for the first time since his illness and actually did a wee just before bed so that may be in the pipeline soon.  He's gone through a bit of separation anxiety lately but now he's back to full health he seems to have gotten over it.  He's getting good at kicking a ball and aiming it and is trying hard to "draw" things.  He can get himself up and down stairs on his feet, holding the bannister although he prefers to hold a hand.

Likes/Dislikes:  He still loves his cous cous and cream crackers - they've been the staple of his diet for a while now but since he's been poorly they're about all he's eaten.  He's digger crazy but also partial to buses and dustbin lorries.  We let him watch way too much TV while he was poorly, especially as we ended up poorly too, and he's absolutely obsessed with Monsters Inc and The Jungle Book - anything is better than that damn Bing bunny - and I think we watched Monsters Inc at least once a day for about 12 days straight.  He hates the wind which is making it harder to get outside but at least the rain doesn't bother him.  His favourite books at the moment are The Gruffalo and The Gruffalo's Child - he's cuddling his Gruffalo at night instead of Peter Rabbit at the moment.  He likes stomping in puddles too.

Nursery:  He's really happy at nursery, although I still feel very out of touch with them.  He's due to move up to a new room, in a totally separate building when he turns 2 but they move them in batches so they said it won't be until probably around December and they'll do it gradually.  He already goes into the bigger garden and has had the odd few hours in the 2-3 year old room so I think he'll be okay.  We've had our approval for 15 hours free childcare when he's 2 although it doesn't start until the term after he turns 2 so will start in January.  He only does 15 hours so for 38 weeks of the year our childcare will be free and we will only pay for school holidays.

Me:  I've submitted my fourth assignment and had it back so just have a few amendments to be made.  I would have been further ahead but we've had a hell of a month with my mother and then with us all being ill.  Oscar got a stomach bug, then passed it onto Ant (who ended up in hospital with severe dehydration) and then I got it, recovered for a day and got it again.  It's been a hell of a busy, stressful month.

We ended up missing our IVF appointment because I was poorly so it is now set for bonfire night - very frustrated by that but nothing we could do about it!

22 months

Weight:  He won't be weighed for a little while now but he seems to be growing nicely.

Health:  Things are quite settled at the moment - he's off all reflux medication and doesn't see to be having any major issues, although he does still vomit occasionally when he bends down.  We stopped the Piriton but he seems to be struggling with congestion still, particularly at night and when he first wakes up so he's back to having that before bed again.  I'm struggling with allergies too, especially when I first wake up, so I'm wondering if it's the same allergen.  I think he finally has all his teeth now, though it's quite hard to get a good look.  We are still questioning a diagnosis of mild autism but it's something that won't be considered until we have his 2 year review or see the Paediatrician again.  

Sleep:  We have had some big changes to sleep lately - he seems to have two patterns overnight.  Either he wakes between 12 and 2 am, has half a bottle and sleeps until around 5:30 or 6 am (even 7 am on rare occasions) or he sleeps through to about 4:30 am and then that's it for the night.  However, we are taking things one step at a time because we have now fully changed his cot into a bed.  We did move it away from our mattress for a few nights but he kept falling off so we put our mattress back against it until we get a guard rail.  He's very happy with his "big boy bed" and absolutely loves his digger, which he sleeps with every night.  A couple of weeks ago I started to notice he was getting distracted by me and taking a while to go to sleep so I tried telling him I'd be back in a few minutes and he settled himself down.  Since then he's gone to sleep unattended every night and it's been a couple of weeks now so fingers crossed it lasts. 

Development:  He's trying hard with his colours and seems to be able to identify yellow most of the time.  He's showing an interest in numbers and counting but his language is holding him back somewhat.  He's really trying to say lots of words and has well over 50 now but only maybe 10 that are understandable without context.  He's climbing really well and getting quite adventurous - he's been tackling really big slides and the big play areas at soft play.  We've had a few bumps and scrapes in the last week now he's getting braver.  He uses signs in multiple contexts e.g. asks for "help" but also uses it to ask if he can help us.  His understanding is great and he can follow reasonably complex instructions.  He's trying to help more with dressing and undressing, especially with his shoes and jacket.   

Likes/Dislikes:  Nothing much has changed here - he loves vehicles (especially diggers), books, music and being outside.  His current favourite books are Zog, Stick Man and Superworm.  He is still a little cous cous addict and also loves Malted Wheaties (his current favourite cereal from Aldi).  He likes a cuddle now and again but they're still reasonably hard to come by and don't last for long.  He still loves TV and likes to sit in the corner of the sofa with his Peter Rabbit blanket over him - it's the only time he'll tolerate a blanket on him!  He dislikes loud noises, especially when he can't see where they are coming from.  He also dislikes having his arms and legs covered up.  We've had a couple of days this week where it's been cooler and he's needed trousers and a jumper instead of shorts and a t-shirt and he's been trying to roll the sleeves up and pull his trousers up to his knees.  

Nursery:  He is slowly starting to eat a little more at nursery, especially fruit which I often can't get him to eat at home.  He's coming along really well and they're trying hard to work on his speech with him.  They've noticed he really comes into his own when the other kids go for a sleep and he gets some one to one time with the staff.  He definitely prefers adults to children.  They've been letting him go and play in the 2-3 year old garden as he's outgrown the one he's in and he loves it!

Me:  I've started my fourth assignment but I'm really slacking at the moment as we've had a LOT going on.

We are due to have our first appointment to discuss the next IVF process in a couple of weeks, Ant is in the process of getting a loan to set up his own fitness studio, my mum was recently sectioned (and now has been discharged), I'm struggling with my energy levels and generally it's just been a very busy few weeks, especially with it being summer and having lots of plans with friends and family.  

My bloods came back okay - or at least I didn't hear otherwise - but I've not heard anything about the referral to the Chronic Fatigue Service.  I'm really struggling with allergies, particularly when I first wake up and I've had to use my inhaler a couple of times in the last few weeks.  I've been getting out of breath just trying to read stories to Oscar.  I'm also struggling with my bladder, a lot of the time I feel like I can't empty it properly and need to go as soon as I have been.  I can't be bothered with dealing with the GP again so I'm just going to put up with it!

Speech Delay?

Oscar's speech is somewhat of a concern to us at the moment, mostly in terms of pronunciation.  I'm pretty confident that he doesn't have any issues with language as he understands what we say, he points to thinks and tries to name them and repeats what we say.  The words he can say he uses in context and he signs quite proficiently to make his needs known.  He has started creating his own signs which, with a lot of pointing and guesswork, we are starting to figure out.  I'm not sure where he's getting them from and often can't see the link - for example, he touches his two index fingers together to sign"play dough".  Just in the last few days he is starting to really try and repeat words, although none of them sound like what he is trying to say.

I'm going to use this post to detail, for my own benefit, where he is at the moment so that I can see his progress and get things in some sort of order for his 2 year review with the Health Visitor.

WORDS HE CAN SAY WELL:
Mama
Yeah
No
Owl
Papa
Nana (Jenny)
Pepper

WORDS HE CAN PARTLY PRONOUNCE
Ball, book, bin, bird, box, bath, bear, Bing, bounce, bus - he says "ba" for all of these
Banana - "nana"
Shoes - "oo"
Gone - "ga"
He's very recently started saying "mo" for moon and mouse too

WORDS HE STRUGGLES WITH (AND WHAT HE SAYS INSTEAD)
Daddy - "gaggy"
Help, please, van, car - he says "ba" for these too
Bye, done, ta - "ga"
More - "nor"
Lawnmower - "nor-no-ner"
Hedgehog - "ge-goh"
Badger - "ga-ger"
Digger - "giga"

He struggles to make vowel sounds other than "ah", "oo" and "ow".  He only has "b", "g", "n" and "m" as consonants but they sometimes get mixed up too - for example, he says "ba" for everything but then says "ga" for bye which should be easy for him. 

He makes a lot of animal noises and they mostly sound like what they're meant to although he does say "ba" for "quack" and "mmm" for "moo".

He also says "gmm gmm gmm ba" for Stick Man, gingerbread man, Postman Pat... sometimes with more or less "gmm" noises but always basically with his mouth closed, like he's really having trouble forming the words.

Nobody else understands much of what he says and they don't understand the signs either but he gets by.  We don't leave him with anyone except nursery and occasionally Ant's parents (Jenny is quite good at understanding him).  He's having a lot of tantrums and that's probably because he's frustrated that he can't say what he wants to and we often don't understand him. 

He says "ba" for pretty much everything, usually accompanied by a sign or pointing so we know what he's getting at.  Unless he comes on phenomenally in the next six months I'm expecting he'll need some sort of speech therapy.  He comes on in fits and starts but his pronunciation doesn't improve - he said virtually nothing by 18 months except "daddy" and "owl", not even "mama", but then he had a spurt of learning lots of words.  It slowed down again but he's currently trying to repeat every thing and getting a lot more communicative, however his pronunciation still hasn't improved.  I'm determined to advocate for him as I genuinely believe knows the words and is of average, if not above average, intelligence so I don't want to see him struggle and give up.

I'm going to see his Key Worker at nursery about it tomorrow so will be interested to see what she says!

21 months

Weight:  He was weighed on 30 July and was exactly 11 kg (24 lb 4 oz).  His weight was on 25th-50th centile which is the highest it's been for a while!  He was 80.8 cm tall (9th centile) and head circumference was 49.5 cm (just under 98th centile) so clearly he's got my height and his daddy's head.

Health:  Things have been up and down.  We saw the Paediatrician on 30 July and he's not concerned about the chestiness as he thinks it's just secretions and not reflux.  Given that, we are weaning off the ranitidine.  He's down to just an evening dose at the moment and then once that's weaned we will try him off the Piriton and see how he goes.  I'm writing this a bit late (7/8/19) as we've had a busy weekend but I think he might be coming down with something today.  He's seemed alright all day but he woke up from his nap with a low-grade fever and it's come and gone all afternoon.  This evening he was tired during his stories/snack and didn't even drink his milk, he didn't want a bath and he fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the pillow, even before I'd finished his story, which is unheard of!  His temperature was around 38.5 at bedtime but he seemed happy enough so I didn't give him any Calpol, just keeping a close eye on him.  We are starting to question whether he may be on the autistic spectrum due to some of his behaviours and the epic tantrums/head banging he's having but I'll do a separate post about that I think as it'll take a while to explain. 

Sleep:  Bedtime is still pretty smooth (although last night took a long time and I had to pick him up and rock him which he's never liked before).  He generally has one bottle in the night, around 3 and then wakes for the day anywhere between 4:30 and 6:30.  He has been waking to ask for his bottle around half 12 but if I tell him to lie down while I go get it he's often fallen back asleep by the time I get back and then ends up actually having it around 3 so not too bad.  He's randomly started wanting to get up in the night now and it can lead to some serious upset when I don't let him but it's only happened a couple of times so hopefully it's a short-lived thing.  He generally naps well and has around 1.5 - 2 hours anywhere between 11 and 2:30.  When he's at home it's usually asleep just after 11 but on nursery days he falls asleep en route home at around 12:30.  He's also decided his little TY Peter Rabbit toy is now his comforter and he goes everywhere with him, it's very cute. 

Development:  He's picked up a few fears lately - one of which was the bath, but after a LOT of patience and work on water play we seem to have cracked that one.  His speech isn't coming on quite as quickly as we might like but he is trying to say new words, his pronunciation is just not great.  He signs really well and can get his wants/needs across.  He's starting creating his own signs and we have no idea where they're coming from - we only manage to guess what they are from the context but nobody else will have a clue!  He's tryingt o run and is getting better at climbing.  He can blow bubbles with a bubble wand and uses a spoon and fork quite well.  We are trying to work on counting and colours at the moment - it's hard work due to the lack of speech but I'm still introducing the concept.  

Likes/Dislikes:  He LOVES diggers at the moment and playing with "big kids", anyone 6 or older generally.  He refuses to acknowledge children his own age.  His favourite food is cous cous, pretty much the only thing he'll eat these days although we are working on it.  He's at his happiest when he's out and about exploring - he'll walk through woods and such for well over an hour just looking around and toddling along.  He loves animals although mostly from a distance.  He has a bit of a TV obsession which we are working on (he had way too much TV when we were both poorly a few weeks back and it's been hard to wean down) - he loves Bing, Waffle the Wonder Dog and the Julia Donaldson TV adaptations.  He still really loves books and loves pointing things out in them as I read - current favourites are Here We Are (with a big page of animals), A Busy Day for Birds and Room on the Broom. 

Nursery:  He doesn't eat at nursery, except for one random corned beef hash but his behaviour is apparently impeccable.  I'm waiting to speak to them about his development/behaviour issues (he bit me the other day) but they're generally happy with his development and just want to work on his speech. 

Me:  My course is going well and I've passed my third assignment so I'm over halfway there now - I really need to get started on my fourth!  

I'm struggling health wise and have been to the GP.  She's requested some bloods and I'm going to be referred to the Chronic Fatigue Service as there's no local EDS specialist.  I'm having a lot of pain in my hips at night and generally feeling exhausted.  My hand therapist gave me a splint for my little finger (which she had to make as my fingers were too small) and I go back on 6 September to discuss it and see what issues I've been having etc.  I think I have a condition, linked with EDS, called dysautomnia which explains most of my symptoms.  Oddly enough I was fine while pregnant and mostly fine while breastfeeding but I assume my blood pressure is back down to being stupidly low now I'm back to "normal". 

Time for another?

Bear with me, this is going to be long.
I always wanted around a 2 year gap between babies but obviously with the need for IVF and wanting to breastfeed that was never going to be reasonably practicable and actually, given how challenging Oscar has been, I'm glad that's turned out to be the case.  If we could have tried naturally we might, in a moment of madness, have already ended up conceiving and I don't think that would have worked for any of us.  I never wanted a big gap between my children but I'm open to a slightly bigger gap that I was previously.  I'd really like them within 4 years though, I think any more just puts them at completely different stages of life all the time and, until adulthood, they might find it hard to be close.  Obviously they might not get on regardless of the age gap but I want to give them the best chance possible.

So, our original plan was always to have our baby and then use our frozen embryo to make a roughly 2-3 year gap.  I wanted to breastfeed for the first 12 months, wean and get started again when Oscar was around 14-15 months.  We figured it would be around a 6 month process, plus 9 months of pregnancy which would lead to a sibling being born when Oscar was 2.5 years old.  Obviously this was all very vague but in my head I thought we might transfer again at the back end of 2019 or very early 2020, leading to a sibling before Oscar turned 3.  Obviously this all relies on our frozen embryo actually sticking, another reason I want to get started early in case we have to go down other routes.

As it has turned out we have had a few complications:

We found out recently that, instead of around £1000, we are looking at around £2500 (£650 for Sheffield's costs, £1400 for London's costs and £400 for medication) - fortunately we have savings to cover this and we may be able to knock it down as Sheffield and London are only doing certain parts and those costs are for full embryo replacement cycles, but it was a bit of a bummer.
We found out that we couldn't even start the referral process until I had finished breastfeeding and my periods had returned, which meant a slightly longer wait.
Oscar has only just weaned from the breast, just after he turned 19 months.
There's around a 3+ month waiting list just for referral.

I spoke to our IVF Nurse recently who informed me of the process and costs.  Basically, we can have the fertility tests and referral on the NHS and then once we see the Consultant to get the process started we pay the fees (in full).  So she told me that once I'd stopped breastfeeding and my periods had returned I should go to my GP and ask for the referral.  She said they might be kind enough to arrange the blood tests in advance which saves a bit of time as they have to be done throughout the cycle.

Fortunately, my periods returned within 5 days of him weaning so last Wednesday (19 June) I went to see the GP to ask for a referral.  I was seen by the GP who is the Senior Partner for the practice.  He's an older, slightly eccentric gentleman whom I've never met before and, my goodness, it was not a productive exercise.  I expected this to be the simple bit but, as is often the case with IVF, it was not.  He basically told me that it was his understanding that, as I have a live child, the NHS won't touch me so all he could do was make a private referral (although I could self-refer anyway if that was the case).  He did say that he might be willing to do some very basic blood tests for me if I clarified exactly what they were.  I explained that my nurse had told me to ask for the referral and that the blood tests were basic day 2 and day 21 fertility tests.  Apparently that wasn't clarification enough so I showed him the email from her explaining the referral process.  That STILL wasn't enough so he sent me away to speak to her again and find out exactly what the blood tests were (as a senior GP I figured he'd know, even I knew that it was day 2 LH/FSH and day 21 progesterone, which I said, but I didn't want to miss anything) and send an email to the surgery for his attention so he could provide me with the blood form.  He basically said that he wouldn't/couldn't make the referral and that was that.

The following day I emailed our nurse who, as usual, was absolutely fabulous.  She assured me that we were eligible for the tests and referral on the NHS, as it is quite common practice for them.  She detailed the blood tests that were needed and got back to me within less than 48 hours.  She said she was looking forward to seeing us again, offered to help in any way that she could with the GP and provided details of their business unit so he could speak to them if he was unhappy with the process.

So on Monday (24 June) I emailed the GP surgery, for this particular doctor's attention, and asked him to get back to me with regards to the referral and the blood test request form.  Needless to say I haven't heard anything yet (26 June).  I did have the delight of speaking to him for almost 10 minutes on the phone this morning, regarding Oscar's reflux, where he was JUST as unhelpful but that's a whole other story.

Anyway - this whole thing has left me feeling a little deflated.  Since I've stopped breastfeeding Oscar, presumably due to hormones, I am incredibly broody.  It doesn't help that one of my best friends is pregnant, although it kind of does help because I can live vicariously through her.  She went through 4 years of trying to get pregnant too and has a little IVF baby growing inside her so I'm 100% happy for her and genuinely not jealous.  But it doesn't stop me wanting to get things moving.  In my head, the timeline from here will be a little like this:

Referral made by end of July.
Appointment for October/November, blood tests done in meantime.
Baseline scan and appointment with Consultant in December/January.
Start treatment February/March.
Transfer April/May.
IF successful, baby due late 2020/early 2021.
By that timeline, we would be looking at around 18 months from now before any baby was born and only actually around 9 months from now for me to be pregnant again which, when I phrase it like that, doesn't sound so bad.  I'm not desperate to have another baby right now and we have lots of other stuff going on, but I really would love to be pregnant again sometime soon, certainly before this time next year.  I really don't want a Christmas baby which could well be a possibility if my timeline is correct.  Potentially, it could all happen quicker and we could be looking at transfer earlier in 2020 (I think this year is definitely off the cards).  However, I am also very aware that it could take longer.  It could be more of a summer transfer, with any baby due spring 2020. 

Also, this is ALL very hypothetical.  We could go through this whole process and not end up with a baby, or even a pregnancy.  Six months ago I would have told you that I was entirely happy with Oscar and, whilst I would like another one, I wouldn't be devastated if it didn't happen.  However, I have settled into motherhood a lot more in the last six months and by the time any potential baby comes Oscar will be much older and, hopefully, much less demanding.  He will also be in free nursery hours so any baby can have lots of one-to-one time with me, which Oscar had the benefit of, so I think this is actually reasonably good timing.  More importantly, we have become very aware that if we don't have any more children, Oscar may be very isolated.  I'm quite isolated, I don't have many friends and I have no siblings.  Ant has a brother and two step-brothers - his brother isn't likely to have children any time soon and we don't see his step-brothers regularly, although one of them does have a little boy only 4 months older than Oscar.  We will have our friend's baby for Oscar to grow up with and hopefully he'll be better at making friends at school that we were, but it would still be nice for him to have someone else, someone who is always there.

The above point is especially important as the chance of him having high-functioning autism is quite high.  I am currently on a (very long, 15 months to be exact) waiting list to be assessed for autism having scored 40/50 on their preliminary test, with a score of 26+ making you eligible for assessment.  Ant has also done the same assessment and scored 40, although in different areas, and will be applying to the waiting list soon too.  Given that there's a high chance of us both being autistic, poor Oscar doesn't really stand much chance.  He's certainly not going to be severely autistic, unless something changes drastically, but it would be no surprise to us if he struggles to make friends.

I wasn't going to write about this for a while yet.  I often don't have time to sit and write blog posts or to even gather my thoughts so, as much as I felt I ought to document it, I was going to at least wait until we had a referral in place.  However, I found out earlier that my ex-boyfriend and his wife are expecting their second child.  They have a son who is about a month younger than Oscar and it just really, really hurt.  Partly because I'm a little bitter at his happiness knowing full well he treats her just as badly as he treated me but mostly because they, and most people, don't have to worry about this stuff.  They just decided "let's have another" and then it happened.  We have a very different experience to those who have fertility issues and I'm not saying that our situation is worse than theirs, it isn't.  However, we have never had the option of even trying naturally, I've never tracked my ovulation, I've never taken a pregnancy test and eagerly awaited the results.  We have had to plan every single step of the way - in some ways, compared to those with fertility issues, it's a luxury.  They don't get to plan, they have endless disappointments and their outcome is about the same as ours.  BUT I know a fair few people who had IVF for their first, which boosted their fertility and then they got pregnant naturally the second time, often by surprise.  That isn't even an option for us.  I'm not saying I would rather have fertility issues, I wouldn't.  I like to plan and I couldn't handle the endless disappoints.  I think the real bummer here is that this all might not even be necessary.  If Ant doesn't have the gene, then this is unnecessary, which is going to be a real kick in the teeth if we end up not being able to have a second child.  Similarly to the above issue, I don't wish we'd had him tested instead.  Sure, if it was a negative result then it would make our lives SO much easier but if it was positive, that would be awful for our mental health and not something that we want to have to consider at this point in time.  So we are somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If this cycle fails, I don't know what we do.  I'm almost reluctant to start it because, while that embryo remains frozen, we have hope.  We currently have the possibility of trying for another child and can dream about it.  If this cycle fails, that's pretty much it and I don't think I can accept that.  So then we try again... we end up in a lot of debt... we maybe still don't conceive... we end up with a very big age gap between our children.  Here's hoping they find a cure for HD so we can get Ant tested and have a postive outcome whatever the result.  Yes, if it's positive we would still need IVF to continue (even with a cure we wouldn't want to put that on one child and not another, it wouldn't be fair) but if it was negative we could try naturally and, if it's later than planned, so what.  We have no particular love of travelling, we are very family oriented and if Oscar's a teenager by then we have a ready made babysitter.  I'm open to the possibility of expanding our family much later on and I will forever remain hopeful.  To be honest, by the time Oscar and any other child are teenagers I'll probably have hit broody again so, if trying naturally is an option, I might go for it - I haven't discussed this with Ant though!  We've talked about fostering so maybe we'd do that instead, who knows. 

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and I've achieved that.  Having Oscar has fulfilled that need and means I don't really "need" another child.  But in some ways it has made me want another one so much more because this journey has been so incredible and watching him learn makes my heart fill with more love than I ever thought possible.

Anyway, that's a big, long update on things at the moment because I REALLY needed to vent.  Ciao!


Update - I wrote this post on 26 June but due to internet issues it didn't get posted.  However, today (4 July) I rang the GP to ask about the email I'd sent.  Turns out it hadn't even been passed on to the GP.  They apologised and said he was now on holiday so they'd had to get someone else to look at it - which might actually work in my favour!  They said they'd put it in front of someone this afternoon for them to get back to me tomorrow so I remain hopeful... if my maths is correct I'll need to get the first blood test done next Wednesday so we shall see how it goes!