Pregnancy - 4 weeks

How far along?  4 weeks  

How big is baby?  I'm going with sweets this time so about the size of a rainbow sprinkle.

Total weight gain/loss?  My starting weight is 60.8 kg which annoyingly is about what I weighed at 26 weeks pregnant last time so I'm expecting to be much bigger this time.

Waist?  30 inches - again annoyingly this is where I was at when I hit 20 weeks last time so I'm starting on the back foot.

Stretchmarks?  None yet - I'll be getting some Palmer's Cocoa Tummy Butter which I used nightly last time.

Maternity clothes?  I didn't really buy much last time but I'm still wearing the leggings I bought! 

Sleep?  I'm absolutely exhausted! I've not been sleeping very well with restless legs and nightmares but also Oscar has been getting up really early - today it was 2:52. Needless to say I'm feeling pretty shattered already.

Best moment this week?  Finding out we are going to get to complete our family.

Movement?  Nothing yet, way too early.

Food cravings?  Nothing so far, I'm mostly just flitting between starving and having no appetite.

Food aversions?  Nothing.

Gender?  If we had to guess we would say a boy given our family history etc. However we will be finding out this time.

Labour signs?  Hope not!

Pregnancy symptoms?  I've been trying hard not to look for these but I've had a few. I'm very fatigued which could also be due to the lack of sleep. I also had an episode of lightning crotch earlier and have been having incredibly vivid dreams and restless legs for the last week. They could all just be related to the progesterone I'm taking but now I know that my HCG has also soared!

Belly button in or out?  In.

What I miss?  Caffeine, being fit going into my precious pregnancy, looking slim, getting to sleep past 4 AM, antihistamines.

What I am looking forward to?  Being able to finally start planning for our future!

Upcoming appointments/scans?  I have a scan at the clinic in Sheffield on 1 November (6 weeks 3 days).

Weekly wisdom?  Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change those I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Milestones?  Actually being pregnant!

Bump Picture:

Definitely bigger than I started off last time but I'll keep going with Serenity rather than berating myself for not being in better shape.

Beta Day!

What a day! 

I went for my blood tests this morning only to find that the request form hadn't been sent across. The kind lady took pity on me and did them anyway but I was wracked with nerves all day that my sample wouldn't get processed!

The ladies at work did an amazing job of keeping me calm and distracted all day and I finally got to go home.

When I got home Oscar was a bit upset so it was a while before I actually found out but then Ant waltzed in with a balloon with my beta written on it - 326! Even the nurse he spoke to asked if we had transferred two as that was quite high. Oscar's beta was 261 and we thought that was high so maybe my hormones just kick in quickly! 

Oscar was so excited to learn he was going to be a big brother but is adamant he wants a little sister so he may well end up disappointed. 

We made video calls to my dad, Ant's parents and our best friends Sam and Amy and I filled our other close friends in by way of messages.

This evening we chilled out with pizza and TV and I'm just trying to let it all sink in but I think it'll be a while before I really comprehend the enormity of the situation!

PUPO!

The last few weeks have absolutely flown by - I haven't written an update since right at the start of the cycle so this is going to be a long one.  I'm going to break it up into stages so I can refer back to it easily enough in the future:

Buserelin

For the first two weeks I did my injections and generally felt okay.  I had the occasional headache with them but nothing major at all.  The injections themselves have been a bit of a pain, especially on the right hand side, and I've struggled to get the needles in but it's a small price to pay.

Buserelin + Oestrogen

I had my scan after two weeks (14 Sept) and everything was suppressed as it should have been.  This has always been the case in previous cycles so there were no surprises.  With everything being as expected, I was given the go ahead to add in my oestrogen tablets.  Weirdly, during this two weeks my sex drive returned and we've had some rather interesting evenings together!  My appetite has definitely reduced but not to any sort of worrying level and I'm maintaining my weight - I could do with losing a bit but now isn't the time to focus on that.

Transfer Ahead!

On 28 September I went back for another scan (with a very bruised stomach as the injections bruised more and more as I went on).  At this point, generally my lining has been a little thinner than they would have liked or just about acceptable.  However, magically, this time my lining was already 11 mm!  I hadn't even been drinking my pomegranate juice because the one I found tasted awful.  I was given the green light for transfer and had to call that afternoon to arrange a date.

My amazing nurse, Tracy, asked if I would be willing for her to do my transfer and honestly I couldn't think of anything better.  She's looked after me for the last six years, right from the start, and has always been there every step of the way for all my silly questions and worries.  The transfer was set for 6 October which handily fell on a day I don't work and we decided that Ant would stay home with Oscar and I would go alone, knowing that I would be in safe hands with Tracy.  I started on my progesterone pessaries on the Friday morning (1 October) and that pretty much brings us to today...

Transfer Day

Yesterday they called and said my transfer was set for around 11:40 and so I needed to be there by half 11.  The Embryologist said she would give me a call this morning once they had thawed the embryo to let me know how it was getting on.  Fortunately she rang before 9 AM to let me know that it had survived and was hatching - exactly what they were hoping for.  I headed off at 9:45, having tried to drink plenty, and by 10:40 I needed to pee!  I made it there for about 11:05 and headed slowly up to the clinic.  When I arrived at 11:25 a nurse took me straight into a room to get changed and I quickly donned my gown and hairnet.  

After a few minutes Tracy came to see me and we had a bit of a chat.  She asked if I wanted her to do the transfer or if I wanted her supporting me by my side.  I absolutely wanted her to do the transfer as I could still talk to her and she was really keen to do it too as she's been with us from the beginning.  So she popped off to get ready and I just hung around in the recovery room waiting for someone to come and fetch me.  At about 11:50 the other nurse came back to get me and we headed into the theatre room. 

Once in there I sat on the bed and the Embryologist asked me a few questions, showed me a picture of the embryo and said we could keep it, which was a nice touch as we have never had that before.  It was hatching which is apparently a good sign.  Then Tracy talked me through the process.  It is obviously a familiar process for me by now but I appreciated how thorough she was and she enjoyed hearing how it was similar and different to Guy's.  After a few minutes I was asked to lie down and very nearly wet myself.  I managed to get in position and the doctor performing the ultrasound scanned my tummy, confirming that my bladder was perfectly full and she could get a great view of my uterus.  Along the way we laughed pretty much the whole time.  Someone commented that it was a bit dark and Tracy replied she liked mood lighting, I said I was trying really hard not to pee on her and she said, "You can pee on my any day" to which I laughed and very nearly peed and she also apologised for the speculum being a bit tight.

The procedure went without a hitch and the doctor doing the ultrasound also managed to get a photo of the flash as the embryo was transferred into my uterus which I was able to take home with me as well.  Tracy thanked me for allowing her to be a part of it, she was also there when the embryo was biopsied, and then I was sent on my way with all the information about the next steps.  

I gave Ant a ring on my walk back to the car park to let him know everything had gone well and then I headed home, grabbing McDonald's chips on the way!

IVF Transfer #4

Somehow, the time has snuck upon us to embark on our journey to put our fourth embryo (the only one from this cycle) back where it belongs.  A week ago I started my injections and things are going well so far.  I've been full of cold so my healthy diet and exercise regime has totally gone out of the window but I'm not feeling too bad.  My period has been really heavy but that's to be expected as I'd taken about nine weeks of pills back-to-back as we weren't sure when the medication would be starting.  

Today is the first day I've felt any potential side effects - I've had a headache this evening - but it could be totally unrelated.  I'm feeling much calmer than I did last time, probably thanks to the sertraline! 

Oscar is, typically, being super challenging at the moment because he just seems to like to prove to us that we couldn't handle a second child.  

I have a scan next Tuesday then hopefully will be ready to add in the oestrogen and we are expecting transfer to be the week commencing 5th October, assuming everything goes smoothly.  It could potentially be early the following week if my lining isn't quite ready but I'm in no rush. 

Part of me would like it to be a little later so as to avoid a due date too close to our nephew's birthday but the other part would like it to be earlier as our best friends are planning a cycle with transfer towards the end of October and we don't want to be too close together as we are likely to be their childcare during labour!

Parents' Evening

 A couple of weeks ago we had Oscar's parents' evening.  It was lovely because we actually managed to do it face-to-face in the nursery garden and Ant was home in time to sort Oscar out so I could go without dragging a very chatty 3.5 year old with me!  My appointment was actually with the Nursery Manager/SENCO who has known Oscar since he first started and spends quite a lot of time working with him in pre-school. 

I couldn't be more proud of the things she told me!  They all adore him and she particularly has a soft spot for him.  He spends most of his time in the "older" group within pre-school (it's 3-5 year olds so they split them up).  His best friends (Julian, Alfie and Eashon) are all about starting school in September though which is a little bit awkward but I'm sure he will be okay.  Apparently developmentally they think he is really bright and exceeding expectations for his age which absolutely thrilled me.  It's really awful to admit but because I was always very academic from a young age I've always hoped for a smart child.  Obviously we know he is incredibly intelligent in many ways (he remembers everything he hears, knows so much about nature and the world around him etc) but there are quite a few more "standard" academic things that he finds hard (letters, numbers, mark making etc) so it is nice to know that his skills are being recognised in the educational environment.

She also said that his eating is really coming along - obviously that's not the case at home but he is eating most things at nursery, aside from vegetables, so at least he's getting a healthy lunch five days a week. 

The best thing she said was that he loves to make people laugh, which we have noticed too.  If he does something and you laugh he will do that same thing over and over again so you keep laughing.  Given this, and how needy he can be, he is probably going to end up in stand-up comedy!

Overall, it was such a glowing report and I was so proud of him.  We absolutely picked the best nursery where he is really thriving and I can't wait to see how much he grows in confidence and skill over the next year with them!

Anything is Better than Nothing!

At 5:30 this evening I received a phone call from the Consultant, rather unexpectedly.  Given that it was past 5 PM on a Friday I had just assumed that we wouldn't hear anything now until next week.  I was in the midst of packing a suitcase with Oscar as we are going to stay with my dad for the weekend and it caught me rather off guard.  The conversation started on quite an amusing note, the Consultant asked to speak to me, let me know he had our results and then it went like this:

Oscar:  Is that my daddy?

Consultant:  I hope not!

Me:  Not unless something went very wrong in the lab the first time.

Consultant:  I think I'd be struck off for that.

That's about where the amusing stuff stopped.  As it turns out we have one embryo to use, just one.  Three were at risk of HD - which is kind of annoying because they could be perfectly fine but because we are doing exclusion testing there is no way to know.  The fourth embryo was a high level mosaic which means it most likely wouldn't result in a pregnancy and, if it did, would likely result in miscarriage or stillbirth.  So that leaves little embryo number five.  I was so flustered that I didn't even think to ask him about the quality.  He suggested that we now speak to our nurse to arrange the transfer cycle so I will go over all the details with her.  It was quite hard to concentrate because obviously Oscar was chattering away at me.

I immediately messaged a couple of friends because Ant was at work and I wanted to speak to him about it in person but also really needed to discuss it straight away.

Generally, I'm doing okay.  Obviously I'm really disappointed and I'm already anxious about being anxious and ruining the cycle because there's so much pressure on this one, being our only chance and all.  However, I'm going to use the next month to get myself healthy and in good shape (hopefully) and then we are hoping to start the medication for the transfer straight after the August bank holiday weekend - we are at a wedding that weekend.  That way, if we need to isolate, we have nothing planned after August and also we have a holiday planned in November so if the transfer doesn't work we have something to look forward to at least.

I've emailed the nurse this evening to update her but she's on annual leave until Wednesday so I don't expect to hear anything until the back end of next week and then we can get planning.  In the meantime, I've already written myself an exercise plan (which I would have started this week if I'd not been ill) and will get my meal plans sorted!

Embryo Growth & Testing

 So, I’m doing an abysmal job of keeping this updated but I’m finding myself just absolutely swamped with a never-ending to-do list at the moment and then have been written off with a rotten cold and cough for a bit too!  I spend half my time wondering how I will ever cope with another human being to take care of and the other half thinking it will be okay because at least I’ll be on maternity leave and Oscar will be at school by then!

 

We got a phone-call the day after egg collection to tell us that, of our 16 eggs, 12 eggs were good quality and we had 9 that had fertilised.  By the Monday we had about 6 that were looking good and on the Wednesday they managed to biopsy and freeze 5 which is exactly the same as last time and hopefully gives us a good chance of having a successful pregnancy.  This time we are doing PGS testing as well as PGD which means we might end up with less embryos overall but hopefully any we do get will be more likely to be successful.  Last time we got 3 out of the 5 which is about par for the course as the PGD test is a 50/50 chance so we would be expecting maybe 2 or 3 this time but with the PGS I am conscious that it could be lower.

 

I’d established that I would be accepting of 2 and happy with 3.  Anything more and I would be absolutely ecstatic but if we only got 1 I would be definitely petrified because it gives us just the one chance.  However sometimes it only takes one and anything is better than nothing.  I can’t even bring myself to consider the possibility of not getting any!  I have however suggested to Ant that, however many we get, we need a pregnancy with the last one.  For example; if we got two embryos and the first didn’t work but the second did then we get our sibling and everyone is happy.  However, if the first one works and we have two children, we then have to decide whether to use the third (which I reckon we would).  In doing so, we set ourselves up to accept a three-child household so, even if we would never initially have had three children, it becomes something you want and then end up losing if it doesn’t work.  It’s really hard to put into words but I know what I mean.

 

We were due to have an appointment with the Consultant to discuss the results on 26 July however we had to cancel this as we still didn’t have the results back.  We were told they could take up to three weeks and it was only 19 days post-biopsy so we knew there was a chance of them not returning in time.  However, last time they only took ten days!  Currently it is 29 July, so 3 weeks and 1 day post-biopsy and still nothing.  I’m generally not stressing about it, or even really thinking about it, however every time my phone rings I get so nervous so I’ll be glad when we are taken out of limbo.  Our nurse is brilliant and I know she will let me know as soon as she has the results.  The Consultant can’t fit us in for an appointment now until September but he is going to arrange an ad-hoc phone consultation once the results are back so we don’t have to delay unnecessarily.

 

I’ve spent SO long agonising over the timing of it all but now I think I just need to take it as it comes and go for it whenever we can rather than thinking too much about it and trying to plan too hard.  Ideally we would avoid a due date around when Oscar starts school as both starting school and having a sibling are massive life events that he might struggle with so we would rather not do both at the same time.  It would be nice if we could have a baby before that point so that I’m on maternity leave when he starts school but I was initially cautious about not wanting a summer baby because they would be so young starting school.  However, I guess it would save on childcare costs!  So, as it stands, we will just go for it whenever we can but aim to avoid an August or September due date to help Oscar out!  I did like the idea of an October due date but I don’t think this would be achievable given the closures of the clinic over Christmas and I’m also a bit impatient and don’t really want to wait that long.  I’m going to have a discussion about it with Tracy and hopefully she can provide some insight as it also very much depends on the isolation rules.

 

First things first, we need to ensure we actually have an embryo to use I suppose!